And now, “the rest of the story”

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As a great radio storyteller, Paul  Harvey, always said, there are

always more to stories and that is how he would break to the

last commercial during each airing of his daily show. He would

come back and tell the listeners about the “rest of the story.”

I am going to shock and amaze you with the rest of the story

about the “new guy.” I feel bad, but must tell you that a couple

of personal friends, including Anna, say that I need to finish this

story. I did not “break up” with him over surface issues. I did not

choose to leave and not continue our friendship due to small

differences.

I liked his mother, his fun style of dating but when it comes down

to the “nitty gritty” of adult encounters and relationships you need

to talk frankly about your sexual preferences.

So, from here on out, this post is rated “R” and may have a few

moments of humor but also some precautions and warnings to

those who follow me and want the “truth” about dating. I would

hardly be giving the story correctly without finishing the last part.

I was so excited about dating and a physical relationship that I

wrote the post, “Sudden Preoccupation with Sex.”

I knew the possibility of vaginal dryness may come up so I bought

some lubricant and also, condoms that would be compatible with

them. You need to check the labels on both products, or some lubes

counteract and take away your “protection from STD’s.”

Just because a woman is a red blooded female, and wants “romance”

doesn’t mean she is anything (some bad words come to mind…) but

normal. Just want all those women (and men) who wish for their

physical contact to continue searching for a good, nice partner with

all of your interests aligned, AND go over verbally what you visualize

those encounters in the bedroom will include. Also, don’t be shy!

This is very important advice. I am remiss if I don’t include this in my

story, although, some may have quit reading by now!

Not all of you need this advice, you are in healthy and monogamous

relationships, either married or living together.

Or you have chosen a wilder side, and that is your preference, too.

Or you have chosen to live with abstinence, a great choice, in this

very dangerous adult sexual world!

When someone says, “Let’s just see where this takes us,” this is

being honest. I agree, not everyone can predict the outcome to

anything.

Nothing comes with a guarantee!

There was a 70’s expression, I heard it in college,

“Bad sex is better than no sex.”

Today, I would say, “No! That is not true! Don’t compromise your

integrity by having one night stands!”

My opinion, remember, but this is not someone else’s blog. You

have to depend on my telling you, straight from my heart to

yours.

Intimacy of the mind is so valuable. Respect, caring, love, and yes,

you may include lots of FUN in the mix!

I happen to like lots of kissing, which may lead someone in their

teens to think,

“Let’s get it on!” (I can hear his song playing, as I write, Marvin

Gaye, thank you for your sexy song! )

And Barry White I love that song, “You (Sexy Thing)” among both

your repertoires; a lot of romance has been going on for years!

I happen to wear nice clothes, with push up bras and hose on

dates, again, does this mean that I want sex all the time, no

thank you!

While with the new guy, somehow I maneuvered the conversation

to positions, preferences and feelings. This was only one month into

it and had thought earlier on,

“Oh, we can wait for three months or more.”

I was starting to feel the “pressure” from the new guy. Lots of sexual

comments about my appearance, his “being horny” on texts, and

some direct contact, too.

I asked, bluntly, while driving in the car on our way home from a nice

date where I wore a black dress with turquoise and green waves on

it, satin scooped neckline and hemming, black hose and short patent

leather heels with silver buckles on them. He wore a “Bernie Kosar for

President” t shirt and nice jeans. It was Steve Dakota’s Grille steakhouse,

so casual wear was more the norm. After all, we were in Marion, Ohio.

He kept going on how “sexy” I looked and I am appreciative of all

compliments and our friendly banter. I was relaxed and in a car,

not directly looking at each other sometimes is a good way to tackle

those sometimes hard to talk about subjects. I asked,

“How far did you think we would be going tonight?”

He answered,

“All the way, we have waited long enough.”

I replied,

“I am getting closer to that point but I had some problems in

my last relationship due to his preferences. Can we talk about

positions, what we like, what is off limits?”

He shrugged, seemed a little nonplussed,

“Nothing should be off limits except I don’t like anal sex.”

I agreed with that one!

Also, he added his favorite positions. Both of them did not

involve face to face contact. And, weirdly enough, one included

that position that was in my sudden preoccupation post, the

dreaded “wheelbarrow” one. Where my friend got a crick in

her neck! The other I would include but never in the beginning

nor in a close, cuddly way.

I guess I am more of the face to face, kissing, leading and getting

to the other places later, kind of girl!

People have told me I am “candid,” “forthright,” and informative.

I hope you see I am not trying to “gross you out” but telling this

is getting to where I realized I needed to include in our exit, last

time together visit.

While I told him my thoughts, he was nodding and agreeing. He

was understanding my directions and yet, not getting upset with

my candor. He was going to make sure I was “pleased first” he

told me.

When we got to his apartment, I washed up, brushed my teeth

and we were going to watch an Eagles concert dvd. I thought that

all sounded nice.

I put my leftover steak dinner in the take home box in his fridge.

I had decided, after our initial talk in the car, to stop and get my

favorite morning treats, maple long johns and french vanilla creamer

to add to our coffees.

I had my accoutrements needed for our intimate time in my purse,

so I was “good to go.” Always come prepared for action!

I also mentioned that I was okay with waiting, stretching out the

anticipation of the special moments and just having some good

“make out sessions.” He was not so keen on that, saw his frown

and I let that go.

Once we had been home for awhile we did proceed to my area of

interest, but as time went by, something odd happened, he started

piling sofa pillows on the floor and saying he was going to have me

kneel on these.

Huh? That was not the way we had discussed my preferences. Then,

he switched that he would use these while I turned around, etc.

Again, no that is not the way I visualized.

With a burst of tears, I gave up. I did not want this anymore. I was

“not feeling it” anymore.

This was not how I pictured it, I was feeling rushed, confused, and

conflicted. The person that I met, went to two movies, met his mother,

he met my mother, my brother, and two of my children at the wine bar

was doing something that my last boyfriend did.

He was ‘acting like he agreed with my thoughts and preferences’ but

not following through with them.

Then, an angry man faced me, all 6’4″ or so, that I had misled him,

the tears and concerns of my feelings were “selfish” and more of this,

as I grabbed my black sweater, hose, and shoes.

I felt a little breathless, realizing that I had a difficult position to get

out of. I have to say, to finish the truth of it all, I used his mother to

make the man shrink. I said, “How would you have liked your mother

to been treated? She was a single mother of four children when she

met your Dad, do you think she was going to have to get down on

cushions or have a non face to face first time with him?”

While doing this, make sure you fully believe this is not a serial rapist

nor a murderer. I do know they have “Mommy issues!” This could

trigger the final switch in your safe exiting.

As he stormed down the hallway to “take care of himself in the

bathroom” I left.

I have to say, calling my oldest daughter I was trembling with some

relief and fear mixed in. I could have been easily overpowered or

raped.

When she answered, her calm voice was enough to get me crying

again, as I pulled over to talk. I told her the whole story and she was

reassuring, did not judge me and my choices. She is so funny, her

first line was,

“Mom! I went to art college! You cannot ever shock me!”

(She attended Columbus College of Art and Design, lots of nude

models, crazy college roommates and friends… now a mother of two

boys, her boyfriend/partner there, too.)

Her comforting words after she heard the whole story, reassuring

me that I did “the right thing for you, Mom.” Getting the details was

not upsetting to her, she got a few more I would rather not include

but were also within the realm of my overall story.

My daughter told me something that may or may not be true, but

she believes that men who like it this way, are “Alpha males” and want

to “establish their dominance right from the ‘get go.'”

I did not ask if she had experienced any of this, but it seemed logical.

I am going to try and not seek athletes, especially ones who seem

to still be acting like they are “frat boys” or juvenile in their first

approaches.

It was fun to date a younger man, some may be quite sensitive so

not ruling them out, in the future!

The words I would tell anyone, are as follows,

“Make sure you are both on the same page. Don’t think you are

going to change his viewpoint midway through it. If he says he

likes no face to face or less of that then you need and want,

realize his first words are the ones to listen to, not the ones after

you have stated your preferences. Same goes for men.”

I have since talked openly to my friend, Bill, who has had a few

struggles getting where he wants with his younger woman, Heather,

his Starbucks’ younger girlfriend. Her first thoughts were threesomes,

my staid, steadyand calm man, never wants those. Did not back down.

No one should pressure you into anything!

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About reocochran

I am experiencing crazy and hapless adventures in dating that may interest people over fifty. I am now approaching 62 later this year and enjoy taking photographs, incorporating stories or poetry on my blog. I have many old posts which are informative and written like essays. I have several love stories collected from family and friends. Even strangers spill their stories, since I am a grown version of the girl next door. I have been trying to live a healthy lifestyle with better food selections and active hiking and walking. I have written four children's books and illustrated them. They are not published but a battered women's shelter used one about neglect and abuse for their children's program and a 4H group used my "Kissing a Bunny is like saying a Prayer" as a coloring book. Please comment or respond so I may get a chance to know you. Sincerely, Robin

32 responses »

  1. You are so right, there is no changing peoples sexual preferences and that is why I feel it’s very important to not wait too long before having sex. You run the risk of getting too emotionally involved and trying to justify not getting your needs met. I’m not saying have sex on the first date, but don’t wait 6 months either. Good luck finding someone who is what you need.

    • I liked this forward approach and helpful addition to my pieces of advice from experience! Thanks so much! Waiting does get you attached and then, finding out there are differences is harder to disconnect. Literally and emotionally.

  2. OH WISE ONE…(and getting wiser all the time!)…that’s quite an experience! It’s a really rough time nowadays finding someone who will openly communicate and you can trust. Rather obvious—afterward—he had his own agenda. Maybe you should ask your daughter for more insight. May I pray that you find a good one…maybe even a “keeper”???? 🙂

    • Thanks, Jonathan! I will always appreciate prayers, my friend. I am so glad to “know” you and your wife is a blessing to you and your family, too. I know you have had my best interests at heart for quite some time. Thank you very much and a big friendly hug and smiles sent your way, too.

    • Thank you and I am always honored when you choose one or two of my posts to reblog in one week! Awesome, and hopefully, will help some single people to make good decisions. I always enjoy your poems, thoughts and comments, too. You are a gracious guest to my posts.

  3. this was so honest, and heartfelt and i am glad you cared enough about yourself to know what you want and don’t want and to stand up for that. i’m not one to judge anyone’s preferences, but each person/couple works that out between them and i think both people should feel good about it. bravo –

    • Thank you, I appreciate another “pat on the back” due to my worrisome nature, I was expecting at least a little “fall out” from this post. So far, so good! I would not want to judge anyone’s preferences or personal choices either. I might get adventuresome later in a relationship but just warming up to the idea of starting this, overwhelmed me.

  4. Love your honesty and insight of this topic. Communication is key. As 50 somethings:-) its so important to discuss these things because that is what intimacy is.

    • It is funny but building trust seems to take longer as we get older. There seems to be less natural and impulsivity. I miss being “young” because I now know the consequences more and don’t want to hurt someone or be hurt… Thank you for liking the topic and not minding the candor! I appreciate your thoughts on the matter!

      • Being older means having more candor. I appreciate that and know that it’s one of the many benefits of being. I agree though we are more protective of both our hearts and others.

      • The days of breaking hearts were over in my twenties. I was saddened to realize when I married my first husband, of someone who still held a “torch” for me. He sent me a wonderful “enagagement and wedding gift” that was a wooden easel, paints (I still use the watercolors and brushes) and canvases. I threw out the dried up, but well used, acrylics long ago.

  5. I think it is too bad your male friend was unaware of how lucky he would have been had he been able to see you instead of the image of you he projected for his own benefit. I think that is one of the distinctions between true caring and infatuation. Whenever I was infatuated with someone it was always about how I felt. When I truly cared for someone, it was always about how they felt. And when it was mutual it was magical. I hope you find the magic!

    • I love the way you wrote this. It should be on a poster, “When you truly care for someone, it is always about how they feel, infatuation is how you feel…” (paraphrased) Thanks, Mike, library is letting me get out early, I used up my day’s worth of minutes! Sorry, will be back to read others, including your post.

  6. Yeah, Robin, people are right that you are direct ;). What an a**h**e. Like a lot of people he only heard what he wanted to hear.

  7. Wow…that was well written Robin! It’s very helpful for men and women to be upfront. A friend of mine recently went through something similar. As Luanne said, he definitely was an A–h–e.

    • Thank you, Sherry, for confirming it is okay to warn others, sharing my problems and not trying to be off color. So far, I do believe it has enlightened a few people and sorry that your friend had to go through this! I am thankful I did not get too involved… take it easy and hope your weekend was wonderful as ever! I live vicariously through your posts!

  8. An interesting story my friend, and you were right to withdraw as he could quite easily have had his own vision on preferences, though even with the position that was mentioned both can enjoy it without one being dominant over the other.

    I don’t know this man that you speak of so he could certainly have had his own agenda or was simply offering something different that would include experimentation for both, of course I do not suggest that a man takes what he wants without giving.

    My experience is that as long as a woman is pleasured without selfishness from the male that all loving ways can be explored, and nothing is too unusual shall we say? As long as both parties are happy then that is all that matters.

    Have a wonderful rest of weekend my friend 🙂

    Andro

    • First experiences, in my old fashioned mind, need to be mouth to mouth, face to face, to make it special and not experimental nor to be distant. The positions he talked about were all many feet away from being where I like the bodies to be. My choice, his loss. I am sure he will find someone to have fun with, all 6’4″ and eleven years younger… I am fine with my decision.

  9. Sorry to learn that this is not going well…but thank God you are safe and sound.

    Once read an article saying that a man would never change/compromise for anyone but only for himself and that’s the nature of a man. Many women always think that LOVE is able to change them, but all of them failed miserably because it is not the LOVE that change a man, it is the man who is willing to change because he wanted to.

    it is a sad, but true fact.

    So, don’t feel bad and I am sure you will be able to meet a man who is willing to compromise deep down from his heart!

    All the best to you,my friend!

    Cheers! 😀

    • It was an awkward “no” moment since it made or broke it for me. I could not envision future encounters and he is still “pouting” but trying to get with another coworker of my daughter’s too.

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