Category Archives: gross subject matter

Being a Senior

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There are plenty of advantages to being a senior citizen, discounted menu items

and movie tickets. I am adding some silly thoughts, thanks to John Wagner’s

creation of Maxine! Mom, my youngest brother and I watched a serious movie,

called, “Mandela: The Long Walk to Freedom” and today, my Mom and I just

watched another library DVD, “Betty and Coretta,” telling the stories of the two

women who became widows, their struggles, their speeches and impact on black

women for generations. Betty was married to Malcolm X and Coretta was married

to Martin Luther King, Jr.

What better way to ‘lighten’ our moods than opening Mom’s big envelope of funny

stories and “Maxine” clippings sent from California, Pookie. We laughed at this set

of “Yes, I’m a Senior Citizen” one-liners:

1. “I’m the life of the party…

Even if it lasts until only 8 p.m.”

 

2. “I’m very good at opening childproof caps on medications…

using a hammer.”

 

3. “I’m awake many hours before

my body allows me to get up.”

 

4. “I’m smiling all the time,

because I cannot hear a word you’r saying.”

 

5. “I’m sure everything I cannot find is

in a safe secure place…

somewhere.”

(This was one that directly applied to Mom and me,

while we searched from drawer to drawer for her

Medicare/Aetna insurance card! We found it, just in

time to leave for the ‘first doctor of the week.’)

 

6. “I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy,

and that’s just my left leg.”

 

7. “I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for cowards!”

(Maxine says, “Not for wimps.”)

 

8. “I’m having the time of my life, if I only knew which apt.

I live in!” This was a comment from an elderly woman who

was listening to the musical program here last night to my

Mom.

 

This joke made my Mom laugh but she followed it with a quick

comment, “That is kind of gross!”

 

“A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out she is taking

a nap. So he sits down in a chair in her room. He flips through a few

magazines. He munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the

table.

Eventually the aunt wakes up. Her nephew realizes he has absent-

mindedly finished up the entire bowl of nuts.

He says, “I’m so sorry, Auntie. I have eaten all your peanuts. I will

bring you some next time I come to visit.”

She replies,

“Just remember to bring me chocolate covered peanuts, as I enjoy

sucking off the chocolate. I don’t care for the peanuts part, dearie.”

 

And the last, making this an even ten funnies for this Wednesday…

“A woman meant to call a record store but dialed a private home

phone number instead.

She asked with some enthusiasm,

“Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme?’

The puzzled homeowner responded,

“Well, no, but I have a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” the woman inquired.

“I don’t think so, ” replied the man, “but it is as close as I want to get.”

 

 

Happy Hump Day and enjoy the rest of the week!

I hope

it goes

all

d

o

w

n

h

I

l

l

!

 

 

 

 

 

“Saint” Karen

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My friend, Karen P., was a one-to-one aide at my special needs school, long before I

‘nabbed’ her to become my teaching assistant. She had what I call ”the patience of Job,”

with a little child (age 3) with autism. With this child she worked by using both sign

language and verbal cueing. She learned also, through workshops and the therapists, to

use positive reinforcers. His special pleasure was playing with tractors. Casually, you may

have heard the word, ‘fixation,’ when his parents talked about his tractors. He was quite

an independent child, which was hard to explain to his parents that his ‘shrieking’ was

not because of his being ‘rebellious.’ I would consider Justin’s intelligence level to be

found somewhere on the Asperger’s Spectrum; as ‘higher functioning.’

 

When I think of friends, I remember that old Girl Scout song, which was a ’round’ which

repeated itself. It goes like this:

“Make new friends, but keep the old,

One is silver and the other is gold.”

 

The nine years I had dear “Saint” Karen by my side, in the ‘trenches, and sometimes

taking all the dirty work, quite literally, make her my Gold Standard of Friend. You will

think we are quite ‘sick in the head’ when I tell you that we still roar with laughter about

one Christopher who threw chairs across the room, we felt he was ‘possessed!’ We were,

in our private moments , just barely able to contain ourselves. Our favorite way to make

light of Christopher, was to say to one another,

“We know that face will be on the “Wanted” posters in the Post Office one day, we just

know it!”

Also, the dirty work, was meant (by me, I reassured her when she came to be my assistant)

to be split fairly. When there were diapers which needed to be changed, we took turns.

But another ‘sick’ sense of humor moment was when “Miss Karen” was stuck with ‘her turn’

AND THE BOY HAD DIARRHEA.

But apparently Jonathan did not just do it in his pants. It went down his leg and into his

cowboy boots! When the expression is “Up to your neck in ‘shit,'” for Karen it had been,

“Up to her armpits!” Poor Karen did not feel well the rest of the day, like she could not

seem to get the odor off her hands. She was incessantly washing until she took the vanilla

air freshener spray and soaked her clothes and hands with it.

 

I would like to tell you a short history of Karen’s life, since she overcame a lot of tragedies

to come out wonderfully.  She taught me many things more than I was able to teach her.

At age 8, Karen lost her mother to an accident. Three of her grandparents were deceased,

the one who was left, did not want her. She was raise by her two elderly aunts. When her

Dad came back and forth into her life, she had to adjust to a wide variety of women, his

alcoholism,  and some verbal abuse. She always ended up calling her aunts, begging them

to come and save her.

She got good grades, wore clean but plain clothes. She met her husband, her only “love

of her life,” while going to community college to be a nursing assistant (STNA). He was

at a bar, he was ogling her, sometimes making loud comments and trying to get her

attention. She was 19 years old, she certainly wasn’t attracted to this wild motorcycle

man,  who appeared much older than she, at the time. The summer she met him, he

pursued her, found her almost each time she and her friends were out in Marion, Ohio.

Karen used a dramatic way to describe Dan: “He was relentless!”

Karen is strong willed, she claims to have broke him of his ‘pool gambling habit’ and

his drinking. Dan, on the other hand, gives her credit, saying that a ‘good woman like

Karen’ can cure anything. They have been married for forty years, raised three kids

and three grandkids.  A fourth grandchild, from their son and his wife, was born this

year. So, this was a new beginning for their adventures, continuing the family saga.

 

On Friday, October 24, 2014, we got together and laughed until we cried. We ate

at the local restaurant, Old Bag O’ Nails. We had numerous refills on our beverages

and ate our ‘fish and chips’ slowly.  We had been apart for 2 years, trying to adjust

our busy lives and schedules to fit our friendship in.

 

Here are some of the subjects covered while we were there for almost four hours:

 

1. Grandchildren, of course.

 

2. “CSI” and cast changes over the years.

 

3. Hilarious episode of “According to Jim,” when both men’s clothes were blown off

when the water pipes in basement explode.

 

4. My divorced husband, what he was ‘up to.’ (She had been with me through 9 years,

through thick and thin,  and only one year, while I was single.) Still no car, working

close to his apartment. Got online PhD in Religion.

 

5. “Camel toes,” when the younger teachers taught us what this expression meant.

 

6. Condoms. My first “Secret Santa” gift as a single woman, in multiple hues and sizes.

 

7. Changing over from my old way of wearing “granny panties,” and our trip to Victoria

Secret. (We had multiple shopping trips for supplies, but our trip to Tuttle Mall was

our favorite.)

 

8. Barney, my famous bachelor gym teacher, who showed up my first Single Spring

Break, in a bathing suit, with a towel and a bottle of baby oil, in hand. We ‘cracked up

all over again when we remembered his announcing, “I’m your cabana boy, Robin.”

I had insisted all the female teachers,  some who were in their twenties,  go out

with me dancing once a month. Somehow, when we ran into Barney, they fell in

love with him. (He looks a lot like Tony Danza, seriously.) Karen was sorely

disappointed in the fact we are not still in ‘touch.’

 

9. The ‘girls’ insisted we attend the football game when Barney coached the

opposition; our main rival. He was on the sidelines when his team played

“our school’s” team.

The Speech Language Pathologist and Trina, who talked me into drinking before

the game. We ran into the Superintendent and hugged him. We ran into 2 parents

and also, a school board member. We found the other girls in the bleachers,

climbing over people to get to them.

 

10. Which of the ‘girls’ have gotten married, which have babies and who is still

single, besides me.

 

Karen will always be my “Hero.”

 

Fred Rogers, Presbyterian minister and the nice man wearing the sweater on,

“Mister Roger’s Neighborhood:”

“We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility.

It’s easy to say, ‘It’s not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.’

Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people, my heroes.”

 

 

Just Gross!

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If you are eating or about to eat, maybe skip this post today

and if curious, come on back later, please!

My friend and coworker, Linda, sat with us today at lunch. We

rarely have the chance to talk to her since she left our bins

order filling area to become part of the ‘Cycle Count’ area.

She is a pleasant, Kentucky-born woman who I have enjoyed

intermittent conversations with, over almost six years of

working at Advance Auto D.C. #23.

Linda had a ‘cross’ face on, while approaching our table, and

I wondered what had caused this upset in her day. She right

away launched into a discussion, aiming her comments at me!

“Robin, I swear! I could have killed my little grandchildren

last night! I went over at 6 p.m. to watch them, while their

parents went out for a business dinner.”

So far, that didn’t seem at all disturbing… I looked at her

and smiled, saying,

“Linda, I am going to be watching my M & M girls from 2 p.m.

on Saturday until 2 p.m. Sunday, I got you ‘beat!'”

She looked at me, like I was crazy! Linda then admonished me,

“I am not complaining about going over there and watching the

kids!” She said this a little louder than our ‘usual’ lunch

conversational level. Melvin looked over, from his table of

sports guys, Chuck and Corey sitting there, shaking their

heads at me.

“Okay, Linda, what upset you while babysitting the kids,

you used the word, ‘kill’ in a sentence with precious

Lindsey and Claire, implying they annoyed you.”

Then, Linda took a deep breath and we all sunk our teeth

into another bite of our food. Tammy and Karen were eating

‘machine’ food. This is food dispensed out of the machines.

I took a bite out of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Then, since a lightbulb went on in my head, I asked,

“Linda, why did you address your outrage at the grandkids

to specifically me?”

She smiled and said, “Since you are one to be able to

answer this question. Why does ‘Winnie the Pooh’ have his

stupid name?”

I actually did not have a clue, love Winnie the Pooh, have

shared memories of my Dad reading the book, “The House at

Pooh Corner,” to me from my early childhood. And the cute

page boy haircut allowed my Dad to insert the simple name

of “Robin” instead of “Christopher Robin,” and for years

I thought little Robin was a girl!

“Start from the beginning, please!” I exclaimed.

“Well, I took my cardboard “Classic Pooh” book over to

my son and daughter in law’s house, having never read it

to my granddaughters. I found it and was so glad that

the two year old and three year old won’t be able to

rip it. I cannot wait to read the longer, older book

that has chapters in it, to them!”

I showed them the book, read the title of the story,

“Winnie the Pooh Discovers the Seasons,” and guess

what those little urchins did? They rolled around and

laughed, ridiculously torrents of sniggers, finally

a rollicking giggling ‘fit’ started!”

We all looked puzzled. Questions were flowing across

the lunch table. But we just stared at her. We waited,

since she seemed very peeved at those adorable children!

Linda finally explained, “They had apparently never heard

of Winnie the Pooh, thought the word used was, ‘poo.’

Their mother, my daughter in law, (Linda was using a rather

annoyed tone with this comment) taught them about ‘dog poo’

and when Claire was born, taught Lindsey to call her dirty

diapers, since she was still little herself (they are only

18 months apart) to call her diaper a ‘poo-ey’ diaper.

In fact she even taught her the initials, ‘P.U.!!'”

We all then started laughing! We could see how this would

happen, but wondered aloud, “Why didn’t my kids think this

way, when I first read this to them?”

The only thing we could come up with was that maybe they

didn’t think of ‘poo’ as ‘poop’ in most of our households.

So, then, Melvin had to interject a much grosser use of

the word, ‘poop.’ He said to our astonishment,

“Did you hear that Arnold Palmer couldn’t hold his bowel

movement until he reached a bathroom and he pooped on a

golfing green?”

Supposedly, this was on the sporting news and had even

‘hit’ the radio sports channel today. Chuck said he also

had heard it and added this line,

“Arnold’s caddy tried to deny it and sounded kind of snotty,

to another person who asked, ‘Is this poop one of Arnold’s?’

and the caddy answered, ‘No, of course not. Arnold would

never do such a thing…'”

We all thought this was really strange and weird.

Then Melvin piped up with his solution to the problem,

using his keen Army honorably discharged and combat-trained

mind to come up with this one:

“I think I’ll invent a rolling Port-A-Pot, so that caddies

can bring their golfers they work for, an instant place to

sit and take a ‘sh__!'”

Linda got up, disgusted and said,

“Melvin, I was talking about children and needed Robin to go

find out ‘why in the world would A.A. Milne name the teddy

bear, ‘Winnie the Pooh?’ in the first place!”

I somehow switched the subject to how my youngest daughter

has a very active ‘gag reflex’ while changing dirty diapers.

She went so far, when my little (now 5) Micah was born, asking

his older brother, Skyler to get a clothespin out of Nana’s

art supplies’ box.

Chuck leaned over and asked me to find out how the skunk

in the cartoons, Pepe le Pew’s name came about. Was it a

‘slam’ against the French? His complete name is Charles and

has some French Canadian blood in him.

Then, Tammy told me to come back tomorrow with the answer

about why the bear is called, “Pooh.”

Tammy left and Karen and I were left, pondering and then,

Karen uttered that funny little Pooh quote, “Bother!”

We started chuckling about how Melvin had grossed Linda

out and how we never have a dull moment at work!

Here is a little history and background information about

the subject of Winnie the Pooh and his answer about why

the bear has its name. The stuffed animal menagerie of

Christopher Robin included Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Kanga,

baby Roo, Eeyore, Piglet and Owl. Disney added “Gopher.”

Here is a list of dates of A.A. Milne’s books:

1. “When We Were Young,” published in 1924. This book

includes poems written for young children. It includes one

about a teddy bear, named Winnie the Pooh.

2. “Winnie the Pooh,” published in 1926. This book has two

vague sentences that refer to the bear’s name.

3. “Now We Are Six,” published in 1927. It includes a nice

compilation of poetry for young listeners.

4. “The House at Pooh Corner,” published in 1928. This is

the one book that I still have from my early childhood,

from which my Dad read to us from. I have all the books

that are here, along with a great little collection that

the gas company of BP published. I collected two sets of

these and have two hard cardboard books that have snippets

of the poetry and stories. One is a Disney production book.

Are you ready for Linda’s answer? I had to write this down,

not only to type it into my blog post, but she will get the

handwritten one tomorrow, (TGIF!)

In the first chapter of “Winnie the Pooh,” there is a somewhat

explanation why A.A. Milne’s son, (Christopher Robin Milne)

had a bear named Edward. This became known later as “Pooh,”

because of this offhand comment:

“But his (the bear’s) arms were so stiff… they stayed up

straight in the air for more than a week, and whenever a

fly came and settled on his nose he had to blow it off.

And I think– but am not sure, that that is why he is

always called Pooh.”

Now, let me tell you, I didn’t think this was very clear,

not one bit! I bet Linda will not believe this is the

only explanation that A.A. Milne includes in his books.

All I can say is, we have to believe this is how it went.

I could hear the bear blow a puff of breath out, “pooh!”