Category Archives: Happy ‘Hump’ Day!

Happy Moments

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Here are some funny jokes that have children and all ages involved

in them. They will hopefully bring you a chuckle and some cheerful

thoughts to get you through the rest of the week. These came from

Pookie, my Mom’s good friend in California. Mom circled a few of

the  jokes on the pages and added her own wording.  I trust her

editing and typed them pretty closely to how she had these.

These are story ‘jokes’ where it may actually sound like they are

written by me, but they are not. I think it is fun to insert myself or

people I know into them.

1.  The Facts of Life:

“On the way home from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson

innocently said to my daughter,

“Mommy, I know babies come from tummies, but how do they get

there in the first place?”

My daughter tried to change the subject, not quite ready to ‘break

the birds and the bees’ speech’ out at such a late hour with her 10

year old and 5 year old listening in rapt silence.

When she had ‘hemmed and hawed’ awhile, my grandson said in an

exasperated tone,

“Mom, it’s okay if you don’t know the answer, just tell me so!”

2.  A Military Story:

“Just before my friend’s son was deployed to Iraq, he sat his 8 year

old son (her grandson) down and broke the news to him, as gently

as possible, under the circumstances,

“Jimmy, I am going to be away for a long time but will keep in touch

with you, as much as possible.”

His son asked him, looking worried,

“Where are you going?”

Suddenly the friend’s son thought, ‘Oh no, I must not make him

worry,

Maybe he thinks I am dying… After all, just a few months’ ago, his

uncle had passed away…

“Jimmy, I am going to a far off country called, Iraq.”

Jimmy looked at his father like he was crazy and said,

“Don’t you know there’s a war going on over there, Dad?”

3.  Famous People Story, Kid’s Perspective:

“One afternoon a few years ago, Paul Newman was visiting the “Hole

in the Wall Gang Camp” for children stricken with cancer, AIDs and

blood diseases.

When a camp counselor spotted the actor with his wife, Joanne

Woodward, he pointed the couple out to his table of children,

‘That is the man who made movies and is a famous movie star

with his beautiful wife. Have you ever noticed or seen his picture

on salad dressing bottles?’

The kids all gave the camp counselor ‘blank stares.’

He tried once again to let them know about the importance to this

camp Paul Newman and his wife’s philanthropic project meant to

the kids,

“This couple came up with the idea for this camp so you could come

and enjoy the outdoors. Have you ever seen his face on any lemonade

cartons?”

Finally, a little eight year old girl perked up,

“How long was he missing?”

4.  God’s Problem Now:

“A man was at his wife’s graveside service, talking and thanking

people for coming to the funeral, despite it being such a stormy day.

He was speaking to the minister who had been so supportive to him

and his family.

All of a sudden, a massive clap of thunder rang through the gray clouds,

followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning.

This was followed by even more rumbling thunder in the distance.

The elderly man looked at his pastor, calmly saying,

“Well, we know she made it!”

5.  An “Aw-w-w!” Moment:

“I was waiting in the reception area of my doctor’s office, when a

woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the outer room.

As she went to check the elderly man in, over at the receptionist’s

desk, the man sat there alone and silent. His head was down, either

sleepy from his drive there or not feeling well.

Just as I was thinking about making small talk, hoping to brighten

his day, a little boy across the room slipped off his Mommy’s lap.

He walked timidly over to the older gentleman and placed his hand

over the top of the man’s.

He looked directly at the man and said,

“I know how you feel. My Mommy makes me ride in a stroller, too.”

6. Last one, hope this makes you smile. . .

“A group of us were chatting, while my oldest daughter was nursing

her son, (my grandson), Micah.

A 3 1/2 year old cousin, my son’s youngest daughter, went over to

my daughter…

She was quite curious and started asking questions,

‘What ‘cha doing?’

Carrie said, ‘I am feeding your baby cousin, Micah.’

‘What’s it taste like?’

Carrie responded, ‘Like milk. Like the stuff your Mommy puts in

your bedtime bottle.’

(She was still getting a bedtime bottle, soon to be a sippy cup instead.)

She was intrigued by the whole process, waiting to watch Carrie burp

Micah. When Carrie tucked herself back into her nursing bra, the last

comment ‘brought the house down,’ of the family gathering of adults

and children bursting into huge laughs,

‘My Mommy has two of those, but I don’t think she knows

how to use them.'”

My real family news, all joking aside:

Today, Lara is singing at Willis Middle School with the Chorus

singers. I am excited to be going to my first grandchild’s Middle

School program. I hope they will sing holiday songs. I will let you

know tomorrow. (12/17/14)

Tomorrow, in the later evening, Skyler, Micah and my oldest girl,

will do our annual tradition of seeing the lights at Alum Creek State

Park, which used to have just the “Twelve Days of Christmas,” now

has many wonderful displays. This display has gradually expanded

each year since my own three children, my parents and I would take

them. My parents had a Trans Van, which was a great way for the

kids to have a snack, their pajamas on, and get to see both sides of

the presentations. While you drive, you can tune into a local radio

channel that has the songs that go with the displays.

Dad was a ‘big kid at heart’ and loved listening to my children exclaim

in excited voices, “oooh!” and “aahh!” We would also enjoy going to

see Santa Claus across the street at Cross Creek Camp Ground. My

parents liked to sometimes stay there in the summer in the guest lots.

This probably excites me even more than the grandkids and my oldest

daughter. I pay for the ‘treat’ which goes to a worthy cause. They

are happy and do pipe up with their own little exclamations, like their

Mom did, when she was a girl.

What is your favorite family tradition?

Do you like to go out in your vehicle and look at Christmas lights

and decorations? Is there a special neighborhood that you like to

so see annually?

Humorous Nonsense

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Here are a few senior ‘jokes’ which are sure to tickle someone’s ‘fancy,’ or possibly

your ‘funny bone,’ at least!

 

1. “Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the people.

I did this and when I got home last night, I told her I had joined a Parachute Club.

 

She said, ‘Are you nuts? You’re almost 60 and you’re going to start jumping out

of airplanes?'”

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

 

She exclaimed loudly and profusely, ‘For heaven’s sake, where are your glasses?

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!'”

 

I am kind of in trouble now, I don’t know what to do.

I signed up for “Five Jumps a Week!”

 

Life, as a senior citizen is not getting any easier!”

 

2. Here are a collection of One Liners written and often delivered by

Phyllis Diller:

 

~ “Most children threaten at times to run away from home.

This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”

 

~ “Burt Reynolds once asked me out.

I was in his hospital room.”

 

~ “Robert Redford once asked me out.

I was in his house.”

 

~ “Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.”

 

~ “Any time 3 New York men get into a cab without

an argument,

a Bank has just been robbed.”

 

~ “I am eighteen years behind in my ironing.”

 

~ “We spend the first 12 months of a child’s life,

teaching them to walk and talk,

Then the next 17 years or more, we spend telling

them to sit down and be quiet!”

 

~ “What I don’t like about Christmas Office Parties,

is having to look for a job during the holidays the

day after…

 

When Joan Rivers died, I immediately thought about the ones who came before her,

like Mae West. And then, when I found these funny thoughts and quips by Phyllis

Diller, I could not stop thinking of her wacky looking self and her irritating voice,

both which added to her persona and held audiences while she cracked them up!

Phyllis Diller was born in Lima, Ohio in 1917 and lived to 2012. What a long and

productive life she led. She certainly went ‘far’ in the world of comedy. There wre

reports she ‘died with a smile on her face.’

Laughter is like the Fountain of Youth,  dip into it as often as you can!

Some of her insults about her husband may have sounded cruel, but she meant

them to be humorous. Poor Fang!

 

And. . . here’s another for the road.

 

“I have been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about

‘short and cheap?’

That’s pure Phyllis for you, razor sharp wit.

Being a Senior

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There are plenty of advantages to being a senior citizen, discounted menu items

and movie tickets. I am adding some silly thoughts, thanks to John Wagner’s

creation of Maxine! Mom, my youngest brother and I watched a serious movie,

called, “Mandela: The Long Walk to Freedom” and today, my Mom and I just

watched another library DVD, “Betty and Coretta,” telling the stories of the two

women who became widows, their struggles, their speeches and impact on black

women for generations. Betty was married to Malcolm X and Coretta was married

to Martin Luther King, Jr.

What better way to ‘lighten’ our moods than opening Mom’s big envelope of funny

stories and “Maxine” clippings sent from California, Pookie. We laughed at this set

of “Yes, I’m a Senior Citizen” one-liners:

1. “I’m the life of the party…

Even if it lasts until only 8 p.m.”

 

2. “I’m very good at opening childproof caps on medications…

using a hammer.”

 

3. “I’m awake many hours before

my body allows me to get up.”

 

4. “I’m smiling all the time,

because I cannot hear a word you’r saying.”

 

5. “I’m sure everything I cannot find is

in a safe secure place…

somewhere.”

(This was one that directly applied to Mom and me,

while we searched from drawer to drawer for her

Medicare/Aetna insurance card! We found it, just in

time to leave for the ‘first doctor of the week.’)

 

6. “I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy,

and that’s just my left leg.”

 

7. “I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for cowards!”

(Maxine says, “Not for wimps.”)

 

8. “I’m having the time of my life, if I only knew which apt.

I live in!” This was a comment from an elderly woman who

was listening to the musical program here last night to my

Mom.

 

This joke made my Mom laugh but she followed it with a quick

comment, “That is kind of gross!”

 

“A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out she is taking

a nap. So he sits down in a chair in her room. He flips through a few

magazines. He munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the

table.

Eventually the aunt wakes up. Her nephew realizes he has absent-

mindedly finished up the entire bowl of nuts.

He says, “I’m so sorry, Auntie. I have eaten all your peanuts. I will

bring you some next time I come to visit.”

She replies,

“Just remember to bring me chocolate covered peanuts, as I enjoy

sucking off the chocolate. I don’t care for the peanuts part, dearie.”

 

And the last, making this an even ten funnies for this Wednesday…

“A woman meant to call a record store but dialed a private home

phone number instead.

She asked with some enthusiasm,

“Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme?’

The puzzled homeowner responded,

“Well, no, but I have a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” the woman inquired.

“I don’t think so, ” replied the man, “but it is as close as I want to get.”

 

 

Happy Hump Day and enjoy the rest of the week!

I hope

it goes

all

d

o

w

n

h

I

l

l

!

 

 

 

 

 

Just Smile

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How do some people smile all the time, while carrying worries, concerns and other

challenges in their daily lives? This information will fill an aisle of books, in a large

bookstore and possibly be the sole purpose in some blogs and television shows. What

new ways can get your ‘groove’ back? I am not sure if any of these are particularly

“new,” but I am as sure as the “sun will come up tomorrow,” some of these may bring

you a new ‘lease on life!’ (Yes, “Annie,” the musical play and movie, does remind us

that it is a “hard knocks’ life,” along with how we should try to face every new day.)

 

Suggestions for getting happy feelings started in your mind, also getting your energy

revived and other ways for getting out of your funk will be found here. If I were a

speaker, I may try a joke:

 

“There was an elderly man who wanted his younger wife to become pregnant. It was

something she desired also. He went to his family doctor asking for him to suggest

ways of making this result come about. The doctor suggested going to a fertility expert,

so the man set up another appointment. He went on his own, since his athletic wife was

busy taking her tennis lessons.

The specialist’s receptionist gave him a specimen cup to take home and bring back the

next day. She explained what he needed to do to fill it, along with telling him to put it in

the refrigerator overnight. This would get the ‘ball rolling.’ No other way to find out what

level his sperm count would be until he brought this back.

The excited man left the office, with a little more pep in his step.

The patient came back with an empty specimen cup. The receptionist could see the man’s

deflated ego, his head was drooping. She did not ask him a thing,  since she could not

imagine the complications he had run into while collecting the specimen. She had the

dejected gentleman sit down, explaining to him that he must wait to see the doctor.

After reading a few magazines and the newspaper, the man was ready to leave the office,

irritated that such a simple action, which had produced children with his first wife, meant

he had to go through all this trouble again.

When he was escorted into one of the private rooms, the doctor came in and closed the

door behind him. The specialist asked when the empty specimen cup was given to him,

“What exactly was the problem?”

The frustrated man exclaimed,

“Well, I tried it with my right hand. . . nothing.

I tried it with my left hand. . . again, nothing.

So, my wife came home from her tennis lesson, she tried this with her right hand. . .

nothing!

She decided to try her left hand. . .same results.

Then, she used her mouth. . . nothing!”

The doctor stopped this, since he was really shocked at the lack of response from

any of these practices.

The impatient man nearly shouted,

“Wait, doctor, I have to tell you more!”

The fertility specialist paused and said, “Proceed.”

“Well, we were desperate! I ended up asking my wife to invite our neighbor over,

since she is her best friend. . .”

The doctor incredulous interrupted,

“Wait a minute, did you say your wife’s friend tried this, too?”

The man exasperatingly sat down, saying in a low voice,

“Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off the freaking specimen cup!”

 

Here are a few “Prevention Magazine” suggestions for ‘tapping your

inner peace and bringing some joy into your life.

 

1. “Do something called, “the ho’oponopono.”

This is a source of Hawaiian calm and doesn’t mean you need to drink

some Mai-Tai’s or dance at a luau. It is simply repeating these words

in a chant, which helps spread some warmth into your life. Murmuring

the “ho’oponopono” mantra is all about forgiveness. You, your family,

your enemy and the ones who have made your stomach get in a knot.

It means literally, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you.”

By saying this in a low, quiet way, you will ease your anger, untighten

your thoughts and body, along with lowering your blood pressure.

“Try this, you may like it!”

(Source, “The Hormone Cure,” by Sara Gottfried, M.D.)

 

2. “Spritz a scent.”

There are essential oils which can bring you vitality, exuberance,

evoke special memories. Go to your favorite natural products store

and sniff testers until you find a couple of them which give you that

“Ah-h-h!” all over feeling. Good ones which bring many pleasant

feelings are lavender, orange, sage, and ylang-ylang. I like to head

to the Yankee Candle Company, which I know there are some who

will tell you that burning candles means there are pieces of ‘wick’

floating in the air. (My sister in law told me this before I ever read

this!) But, you can get a candle warmer, choosing your favorite scent.

In the fall, I enjoy and savor pumpkin spice, Home Sweet Home, and

country apple… I also found “Woodland Walk” at Meijer’s which has

a very different scent and it doesn’t cause me to want to eat cookies!

 

3. In 2011, a Michigan State University conducted a study of customer-

service employees. They found that ones who smiled throughout the

day, by thinking positive thoughts, reported feeling more serene overall.

I certainly would feel great if the customer service people would carry

this practice out. But I also did not see in the study, that there must

surely be a reward. By smiling; you get smiles back. This perpetuates

the positive activity. “Psychological Science,” (2013) published the results

which include smiling lowers your body’s stress response and also, can

even overcome ‘road rage,’ if one tries to smile in traffic jams!

 

4. Plant something. (If you are in warmer season now)

or Rake some leaves or clean your garden out. (If you are entering the

cooler season, where your plants need to be covered, the remains of

stems and messes need to be ‘mucked out.)

According to research done in a recent study, gardening is an even more

effective stress reliever than reading a good book! This was done in Holland.

There is also evidence microbes found in soil, may lift your mood, from an

older British study conducted in 2007. If you wish to clean your garden out,

digging in the dirt can also be a good way to greet Autumn’s weather changes,

along with feeling like you accomplished a big task. For me, I love the idea of

building a big pile of leaves, after using physical effort which does get your

endorphins going, and asking your children/grandkids/ neighbor kids or

a silly adult friend or two, to jump into the leaves with you!

 

5. Pet a cat, dog, gerbil or ?

If you don’t have a pet to take care of, it is always uplifting to go to an animal

shelter and offer to walk a dog. If you are a cat person, you are always welcome

to pet the kitties, there may be other unusual animals to see and touch, too. I

have a good friend whose two cats came from a farmer who was over-run with

cats. They are adorable calico cats, which I will be cat-sitting in just a week and

a half from now.

 

6. Offering to read to someone’s child, at the library. Volunteering for a monthly

obligation of being a classroom ‘helper’ or a ‘library aide’ are other ways to get your

spirits lifted.

 

Baking cookies is always a treat for me, along with my grandchildren. I am going to

share a company called “Martha’s Chocolate Chip Cookies.” She has 400 employees,

over 2 million dollars sales in only 12 days of being located at the Minnesota State

Fair. Wow! People want cookies!! This retired elementary school teacher may be fun

to look up and get inspired.

 

Here are two books I can guarantee you will feel are ‘guilty pleasures’ but really will

entertain you! I did not skim nor read just the book jacket for these two FUN books!

 

1. “The Widow’s Guide to Sex and Dating,” by Carole Radziwill. It is considered Popular

Fiction. The author was on the television show, “The Real Housewives of New York.” This

is a very satisfying read, one that used to be considered a ‘Beach book.’ Why does it have to

be summer-time to choose an indulgent piece of fluff, which may surprise you with some

deeper meaning, more than you would expect from a ‘real housewife!’ She was, after all,

an award-winning former journalist/reporter. Her book, “What Remains,” was critically

acclaimed, about the memoir of her marriage after her husband died of cancer in 1999.

The widow may not be based on herself, but her wry sense of humor, her simple writing

without frills, will be possibly one of the moving, insightful books you will enjoy this year.

2. “Confessions of a Counterfeit Country Farm Girl,” made me burst into laughter, each

time a new chapter started. This woman, like Carole R. above, is one who captures your

imagination and pulls your leg, getting you to picture all kinds of lively challenges in an

uprooted lifestyle. She is Susan McCorkindale, one of my friends, in my mind! Here are

some of the chapters I loved, “Days of Whining the Big Wigs,” “Get Down on the Farm,”

and the “Chick in the Mail.” The author was really running with the big wigs being the

former marketing director of both “Family Circle” and “Sports Illustrated.” Her husband’s

choice of farm living to raise their boys, involves the whole story, including learning how

to buy appropriate footwear, helping her boys to not always be the dirtiest kids, and how

to order different products, fertilizer, seeds, and of course baby chicks.

 

Eight Simple Steps to Have All Day Energy: Mini-Meals

1. Get up every day at the same time and eat something OTHER than refined carbs.

Suggestion in the August, 2014 “Prevention Magazine,”

Try some hunks of cheese, fruit and a scrambled egg.

2. When you have another hour until lunch, your cortisol levels are dipping, as is

your energy. So, go ahead and have a second cup of coffee.

3. Adding nuts to your day, will help you stay ‘full’ longer throughout the day.

Recommended only 1.5 ounces of almonds. Oh my, I hope you know how to measure

this delicious snack!

4. Lunch time.

Meat, protein if a vegan, eggs, avocado (decreases people’s appetites by as much as

40%) some fiber and vegetables. A salad with chicken, tomatoes and spring greens,

with some whole grain crackers, instead of croutons. This meal is supposed to be your

‘main’ meal of the day. You still have time to wear off the calories when you walk around

the block, catching up with your kids, friend or husband.

5. Sip water or herbal tea, (I love Bengal Tiger Tea, which is aromatic, cinnamon

and has, I believe some chicory in it.) Dehydrated people report more headaches

and dips in mood.

6. Carrots and hummus, yogurt with blueberries and a drizzle of honey, …

Suggestions for a small snack to ‘beat’ the mid-afternoon slump.

7. Dinner.

Balanced but not heavy. Your meal should not include greasy or spicy food, particularly

as we age. This can interfere with your sleep and also cause heartburn. It may also leave

you groggy in the morning.

8. A light carb-rich snack is okay, according to a new Yale review and American Journal

of Clinical Nutrition. Include a banana, milk or something that is not too heavy. I like the

idea of cookies, my favorite one is oatmeal raisin cookie. (My real favorite one is white

chocolate macadamia nut but am sure this is not allowed on this good food plan!) Often,

I go against protocol, so a small bowl of ice cream or a ‘treat’ is what will make me smile

before I go to bed at night. . . or a small goblet of wine or hard apple cider!

 

Dean Koontz quotation:

“Happiness is a choice. That sounds Pollyanna-ish, but it’s not; you can make it or not.

Readers (of Dean Koontz), over the years, say what they love about my books is that they’re

full of hope, and that’s the way I see life.

If you always dwell on what went wrong in the past it’s almost hopeless.

So, I don’t dwell.”

Check out Dean Koontz’s newest thriller: “Innocence,” at bookstores or the library.

 

 

Humor for Hump Day

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I will start by saying some of these are rated PG-13, so if you are not in

the mood for raunchy or off-color jokes, check out another day’s post.

I like to enjoy a wide variety of humor, which in the past, has been also

appreciated. I have included a few children’s/grandchildren’s funny ones,

too.

 

Before you leave, let me send you off with a positive quotation from a

sweet Hallmark movie called, “Stranded in Paradise:”

8/10/2014

“Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone!”

 

Enjoy and laughing along with you on this Wednesday in August!

Starting off with a ‘bang:’

1. Retirement is different for everyone.

One day, while going to work, I passed by a retirement village. On the front

lawn were six old ladies lying stark naked, on beach towels.

They were sometimes getting up on their elbows to pass on some words to

the one lying next to them, other times, as I drove slowly by, just nodding

their heads. One looked like she had been beautiful ‘in her day.’

I thought this was unusual, but I didn’t have time to figure out what they

were doing. I shook my head, wondering, “Are they homeless? Do they have

dementia or Alzheimer’s?” I worried a little about this.

Upon my return trip home, I had more time to drive even more slowly past

the retirement community. I noticed that the same six elderly women were

still unclothed and I put on my brakes to pull into the parking lot. I just had

to know, “What was going on?!”

My curiosity always gets the best of me, under a wide variety of circumstances.

I had pondered this one, all day!

I went inside and to the receptionist desk, asking her if I could speak to the

administrator.  When I saw him, I blurted out this question,

“Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?”

“Yes,” he answered, “Aren’t they darlings? They are retired prostitutes. . .

they’re having a ‘Yard Sale.'”

 

2. A farmer stopped by the local mechanics’ shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he decided since he didn’t live far,

to just walk home.

On the way home, the farmer stopped at the hardware store and bought

a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he proceeded to the feed store, picking

out a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem.

How was he going to carry all of these things home?

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little elderly woman.

She told him she was lost. She inquired,

“Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer replied,

“Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that street. I could walk you

there but I cannot carry this lot.”

The woman suggested,

“Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand,

put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in the other hand?”

“Thanks very much for the suggestion, I will try that.”

The farmer continued to talk to the woman, as they walked to the street address

she had given.

On the way, he had told her that he was a widower, his children living far away,

and had been quite lonely.

He suggested they take a short cut through an alley, to get there faster.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said,

“I am also lonely, without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we

get in the alley, you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my dress and have

your way with me?”

The astounded farmer said,

“Holy smokes, woman! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and

a goose! How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do

such a thing?”

She replied with smile,

“Well, set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of

the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens!”

 

3. Do you ever notice that a 4 year old’s voice sometimes is louder than

a crowd of people’s?

 

Several years ago, a businessman returned home from a trip, just when a storm

hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.

The man entering his home, was really looking forward to curling up with his

beautiful wife, mother of his two children.

When he went into the bedroom, he found her soundly sleeping with their 2 kids.

He resigned himself to having to sleep in the guest room.

The next day he explained over breakfast that it is okay to sleep in their Mommy

and Daddy’s bed, but on nights that he is planning on coming home, they should

be reassured that the storm will not hurt them. He would come in and tuck them

in, along with Mommy also doing this, in his absence.

After the next trip, several weeks later, the man’s wife and children were picking

him up at the airport.  He got off the plane, in the midst of a lot of people, hundreds

of folks who were waiting for arrivals or departures.

As he went past the security area, taking his shoes off and putting my briefcase onto

the electronic scanner, he heard his little son Alex’s voice calling out to ,

“Hi Daddy! I’ve got some good news!”

The man looked over and waved saying,

“Hi Alex! What’s the good news, son?”

The man’s son shouted joyfully,

“Nobody slept with Mommy while you were gone this time!!”

The airport terminal seemed to get extra quiet as everyone in the waiting area and

in the lines being checked by security guards looked at Alex, then turned to look at

the man, then searched the area to see if they could figure out who exactly Mommy

was!

 

4. This one is sweet and innocent~

 

A little girl asked her Mommy, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”

Her mother answered, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they are too rough.”

The little girl thought about this for a few moments and then asked,

“If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

 

5. A little boy while shopping with his mother was asked his name,

He liked to proudly exclaim,

“I am my Daddy, Mr. Brown’s son!”

Sometimes he would just shorten this to,

“Why, I am Mr. Brown’s son!”

The boy’s mother disapproved of this way of introducing himself, saying,

“You should say I am Jimmy Brown.”

 

A week later, after church while the Pastor was greeting everyone who

went out the door, he leaned down to shake Jimmy’s hand and asked,

“Why I recognize you, aren’t you Mr. Brown’s son?”

Jimmy looked up at the Pastor and said rather loudly,

“I thought I was but my Mommy told me I’m not!”

 

There’s a handful of carefully chosen jokes, ones that made me laugh. Hope

one or two of them, ‘tickles your fancy.’ (Hey, what is your ‘fancy?’ ha ha!!)

 

 

 

 

Friends Till the End

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I like to find people, discover them, and sometimes everyone already knows

all about them! I hope that I may introduce you to a novelist, plays and short

stories writer, along with being a screen writer named, Bruce Jay Friedman.

Since this will be posted on Wednesday, let me tell you this man will get you

laughing! He is quite a curmudgeon.

Friedman calls himself honestly,

“The Considerably Older Guy.”

His most famous book, selling lots of copies, was called,

“The Lonely Guy’s Book of Life,” (1978).

Friedman was lucky to have been discovered early in his life, by becoming

published at age 23. His first short story appeared in the magazine, “The

New Yorker.” His first novel, “Stern,” came out in 1962.

Here are some of Bruce Jay Friedman’s  ‘takes’ on growing older and trying

to stay friends,

“Until the End.”

1.  “Don’t allow a small disagreement to ruin a friendship.” If you find yourself

disagreeing about politics or something esoteric, like “Kurdish independence,”

don’t come to blows over it! He goes on to tell you to remember your history

together, the good times mainly. “The Kurds will always be there, but a good

friend won’t necessarily.”

2.  “Don’t insist that a friend see you exclusively.” He explains that its a good

thing when people have a variety of friends. Who would think of these lines?

“It’s perfectly acceptable for a friend to have friends of his own. And there

is no need to spy on the friend and hack his phone to find out who he’s

speaking to. It’s not like dating.”

3.  Make your spouse your best friend. He goes on to say that they are able

to understand your hopes and fears. They may enjoy going to places you

like to go to.

His joke he adds to this section is: “But it’s tricky. (being friends) When you’re

ready for sex, she might say: ‘Are you crazy? I thought we were friends.'”

He mentions that your spouse accepts you for who you really are. . .

“But don’t push it, though. Even the closest friends will draw a line at nose an

ear hairs.”

4.  When he mentions people with money and who are in ‘high places,’ he

tells us to “Think twice about having a friend who occupies some high and

influential station. There will always be the feeling that you’re taking up his

precious time.” You already have enough feelings of inadequacy, as you get

older!

5. Instead of being worried about age, having friends who are younger can

be invigorating. He says, “Instead of being jealous of his youth, admire his

vitality. And don’t expect a young friend to remember David Niven. Or even

Eisenhower. Consider yourself lucky if he remembers the first Bush.”

Here are some great suggestions that I would label, ‘warnings!’

6. “Limit contact with a friend who greets you with a yawn and says, ‘It won’t

be long now, right, fella?'”

7. “In matters of friendship, try to steer away from financial matters.” He jokes,

“A friend, no matter how wealthy, might grant you such a loan and then resent

it bitterly for the rest of his days.”

8. (On more money matters) “If you’re pressed to the wall and in desperate

need of a loan, make sure it’s for a substantial figure. Don’t ask for $18 and

blow what might be your one opportunity. (And once you have the loan, don’t

lie awake riddled with guilt, or worse, return the loan immediately, which

defeats the whole purpose.)”

Bruce Jay Friedman gives some parting words on friendship. . .

9. “There is no such thing as a perfect friend.”

10. “Finally, it is of great importance to have at least one friend who is in worse

shape than you are.”

This is the wisdom of the man who wrote the screen play for the Oscar-nominated

movie, “Splash,” with Tom Hanks and Darryl Hannah. I loved the humor, love and

friendly way the love story goes in that sweet movie. His memoir, “Lucky Bruce,”

came out in 2011.

 

 

We’re Half Way Through the Week!

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Here are some funny comments given by children, collected in a humorous

arrangement of “forwarded emails” from grandparents. . .

Hope some of these ‘tickle your funny bone!’ or make you say, “Aw-w-w!

Kids Say the Cutest Things!”

 

1.  The grandmother was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under

the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter. This was something that

regularly occurred while little Katie visited.

After she applied her lipstick, and started to leave the little one said,

“But Granny, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!”

(I may never put lipstick on again without thinking of Katie’s comment

to her grandmother!)

 

2. When young great grandson, Tommy, called his “Gramps” to wish him a

“Happy Birthday,” he asked him how old he was. When his great grandfather

answered proudly, “I am 80 years old”

After a moment of silence, the man asked, “Is something the matter, Tommy?”

Tommy replied,

“Did you start at one?”

 

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into an old

set of raggedy pajamas and proceeded to wash her makeup off and washed

her hair in the sink.

As she heard the children getting more and more louder. They apparently

were playing and getting rambunctious. She was tired, losing her patience

with them.

Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into the bedroom,

she grabbed each child, setting them in their beds and stormed out of the

room, with a firm and loud warning!

As she left the room, she heard the three year old say, with a trembling

voice,

“Who was that scary lady?”

 

4.  A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter, Suzy, what her own

childhood was like:

“We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing in the summer made

from a tire. It hung from a tree in our back yard. We rode our neighbor’s

pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

Little Suzy had wide eyes, taking this all in. At last she exclaimed:

“I sure do wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

 

5. Little Larry was diligently pounding away on his grandfather’s computer.

He said he was writing a story, when asked, “What are you doing, Larry?”

When his grandfather asked,

“What is your story about?” the answer came ‘quick as a wink!’

“I don’t know! You know, I can’t read yet!”

 

Here are two ‘posters’ worth noting:

This is another version of the “God Grant Me the Courage…”

On the left side of the poster is a steaming cup of ‘joe’ in a floral porcelain

coffee cup and on the right side of the photo is a tall glass of wine.

The scrolling letters impart wisdom in its message:

“Lord, give me

COFFEE

to change the things

I can change.

Lord, give me

WINE,

to accept the things

I cannot change.”

 

A set of elderly women are sitting on a park bench. They had been out for a

stroll. One is leaning forward, on her cane, while seated. One is looking out

into the far distance, and the other’s face is turned to hear the conversation.

One of the three women remarks,

“It’s windy!”

Another responds to this,

“No way. It’s Thursday!”

The last one says,

“Me, too. Let’s go get a beer!”