Category Archives: intimacy

Opinions

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Sometimes, there are lots of opinions flying about our break

room at work. The ones that when we were growing up, we

were taught to not bring up in social settings, seem to

catch my attention more. You know, like you are spying or

catching a glimpse of someone, sometimes a side you would

not expect.

At home, those who have read a few of my past articles or

posts, you may remember my parents were very open-minded.

We, essentially, at the dinner table talked about all kinds

of things considered, ‘inappropriate.’ My Mom’s high school

students had prepared her, from the fifties through the

eighties, to handle those three subjects one could think about

but, never, ever bring up. We had “guess who’s coming to dinner,”

literally including students from her school, my brothers and my

friends and neighbors, too.

I tended to ‘echo’ this pattern, while a single mother, raising

my three children. We had guests often, we did not limit our

conversation subject matter, (unless someone got ‘squeamish’ or

asked that the subject be ‘squashed.’)

Both my parents helped to make me a more relatable parent. This

meant I did the same thing, let the children have their ‘voice’

and forget about that old, antiquated philosophy,

“Children should be seen and not heard.”

In our country, when you start talking about the three subjects

most consider ‘touchy,’ the general population list: sex,

politics and religion.

I heard it expressed many times before at friends’ and my

ex-husband’s, “We don’t talk about those subjects in ‘mixed

company.'” One of my best girlfriends, who had a mother who

resembled, Donna Reed, wore an actual full, ruffly apron while

she prepared dinner. One time while I was helping set the

table, my friend’s brother started to talk about what was

called, “Sex Ed.” We were in middle school and he was in high

school. Susan’s mother said,

“Jeff, we don’t talk about those things at home! It is not

nice!”

(Wow! Wonder what that did to his sexual performance, later

in life? Thinking the subject matter was not only ‘taboo’

from discussion but it was, “not nice!”)

I also have heard the familiar expression, “Who opened this

can of worms?”

I was thinking today, of a light hearted post, where people

from around the world, would respond with their ‘off limit’

subjects and also, what it is called when you wander into a

controversial subject. There must be a wide variety of ways

that this is expressed!

I hope that posing this open-ended response won’t start

something!

Just wondered, what did your family consider too personal to

talk about?

What does that mean: ‘in mixed company?’

Was that to refer to men could talk about certain things,

which women’s ‘pretty little minds needn’t worry about?’

I think my Grandma once told me,

“That’s not lady-like to say, Robin.”

Laughing my way through, what some people call, ‘hump day!’

Valentine’s Day Gifts and Aphrodisiacs

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The usual gifts come to mind when I think of men going

out to shop for us, special people, in your lives. I

also have a few of the standard gifts (on standby) that

‘worked’ with some of my exes. I remember favorites of

my Dad and definitely, a brother or two liked. So, after

reading this post, you may be better informed and aware

of something with a little more interest, or you can

‘blame me’ if your gift falls flat on its face, or gets

thrown out the window…

1. Dove’s Chocolates (come in different chocolate

flavors) and have sweet messages on their hearts.

2. Better quality chocolate, Ghiardelli, Malley’s

See’s Candy’s, Whitman’s, Russell Stover’s or a

local candy making shop could just ‘hit the spot!’

3. Beau Ties from Vermont. There is an attractive

hearts and flower subdued pattern (looks like a

white or cream paisley print) that could be an

excellent gift if your man wears bow ties, like

our Past President of Ohio State University,

Gordon Gee.

4. Em’s Baby Gems Headband. This is made by a

Clevelander, (you can find Emily Marquard on

etsy.com) and there were several adorable patterns

for grandbabies or children. (Girls)

5. Pierre’s Ice Cream has a way to get online and

order messages printed on pints of their yummy ice

cream. I like this idea of special messages, since

they can be personalized. (Dove’s has a whole wide

range of generic love messages.)

There are some cute messages:

a. “I’ll share my heart, but not my ice cream!”

b. “Here’s your own pint to eat.” (those 2 could go

together!)

c. “Being in love means never having to say,

‘I’m out of ice cream!'”

d. “Have you heard the latest scoop? I love you!”

e. “Will you marry me? Please enjoy ice cream anyway.”

6. Tim Horton’s/ Cold Stone Creamery products:

a. Chocolate dipped strawberry turned into ice cream

flavor.

b. I Heart You donut.

c. Ice Cream Cakes such as these three:

“A Cheesecake Named Desire,” “Midnight Delight,” and one

that is shaped like a heart and has red velvet cake with

chocolate ice cream and a chocolate ganache frosting.

When I looked it up on their website, I could not locate

the name. (I saw it at our Delaware, Ohio store, but

did not memorize its name. It is rather pricey, $29.99.

There is a $3 coupon in the newspaper. You may find out

the name, also!

7. WINK stands for products “When In Need of Kindness”

and purchases help a family receive a package of

toiletries at Ronald McDonald House, while their

young one is in surgery. Columbus Children’s

Hospital has a Ronald McDonald House. My youngest

daughter and I visited there. The WINK products

have a wide variety of cosmetics, jewelry and other

toiletries, scented soap, for example.

The Next Portion of this Post has a little history

and some Natural products that may “enhance” your

Valentine’s Day!

1. Douse yourself in saffron. Cleopatra used this

natural ingredient to produce passion with her lovers.

2. Increase your libido with a salad that includes the

natural greens of Arugula. (This comes from ancient

times’ Pliny the Elder.)

3. Chocolate comes from the Aztecs, but this is a weird

twist of nature that was found to be written about this

native tribe. The Aztecs locked up their virgins during

avocado harvest times. The reason is men are very visual

and the testicle like appearance of an avocado! There are

records of increased lust among the farmers/harvesters.

(Now I will never look at those bumpy, dark green things

in the same way!)

Use of the following natural foods and spices can also be

used for your meal and may have a ‘double duty’ or ‘dual

purpose’ to the end of your evening! Hey, there was a

time when I would have tried ANY thing to get my past ]

husband to be more attracted to me…

1. Cloves.

2. Dates.

3. Garlic. (NOT in my romantic world, unless both parties

agree beforehand! Smile!)

4. Jasmine scent.

5. Oysters.

6. Fennel seeds.

7. Sage.

8. Lavender.

9. Asparagas.

10. Cucumber (see Avocado reference, phallic symbol.)

11. Papayas.

12. Cinnamon makes blood flow to special parts of

your body…

13. Ginger has been used as an aphrodisiac, since

thousands of years ago. Both the Chinese and Indian

cultures have included this spice. In Italy, at the

Medical School of Salermo, they use this quotation

about ginger:

“Eat ginger and you will love and be loved, as in

your youth.” (Does this make it watered by the

Fountain of Youth?)

Last but not least, the stand by’s:

Roses or flowers of any kind. Possibly you may

get the right one, that your loved one enjoys.

Make sure no allergies!

Jewelry, depending on how serious you are.

(Again, make sure no allergies, some jewelry

is hypo-allergenic, which is best if you don’t

have a clue!)

Earrings and bracelets don’t mean you are in

a permanent ‘bind.’ They usually bring smiles.

Watches for either sex are definitely classy

gifts.

I would choose neck ties, for my teaching

brother and father. I would choose sweaters

or nice, artistic shirts for my other brother.

I chose to buy nice clothing for an ex or two.

What worked best for you in the past? Go with

that again!

For me: Hint, hint! I enjoy a delicious meal out

at a nicer restaurant, where I am willing to put

a dress or skirt and blouse on, wear hose and

be relaxed. No dishes or cooking! Always works

with me!

There may be a whole other post out there in

the blogging world that gives you suggestions

for romantic, seductive music!

Let us know and tell us about the ones that don’t

work, too!

Thank You Notes

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Just in case my mother forgot to write her thank you notes

for Christmas, 2013’s gifts, I sat down this morning to get

this task finished. It had been on the ‘back burner’ of my

brain, since New Year’s Day. My Mom had always stressed the

importance of writing thank you’s. Even as a child, we would

get our lined paper out of our notebooks, write out our thank

you’s to aunts, uncles and our grandparents. There were years

that we were old enough to use those pretty cards that did not

have any lines and we were then using pen, not pencil, to impart

our personal hand written messages of gratitude. I have several

saved of my Grandpa Mattson’s, some from friends, pen pals,

children and grandchildren’s, along with my parents’ notes all

sent to me, in a little chest purchased from Pier One Imports.

It has a nice little brass latch connecting the hinged lit to

its darkly stained, woven basket chest. I have preserved years

of memories in postcards, letters, cards and little notes that

were ‘dashed off’ on church bulletins or restaurant paper placemats.

Some are loving, others apologetic, and most were saved becoming

special; due to the “who” that sent them. Looking at them, easily

recognizing each family member’s characteristic scrawl or neatly

penned handwriting, brings back memories of the times they were

written. Two of my aunts sent me postcards at camp each year,

summers which also challenged my Dad to take the time, missing

me to write, too. Mom has always been the most faithful, twice

a week correspondent, through college, my moving away and living

in Bowling Green (as a young newlywed), to Lancaster (as a young

mother) and then, finally, during the long years of being single,

here in Delaware. She chose cards sometimes but mainly used floral
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print stationery. My Mom, after all was “Rosie,” so that was often

the theme of gifts. It was very difficult to weed and sort, trying

to choose ones that meant the most, to save!

I started each of the five thank you’s this morning with a bold

and calligraphy written message of “Happy New Year, 2014!” Then,

I followed with the personal words, “Dear ——.”

Here are three of the gifts that were shared with my mother

this past Christmas for which I am so grateful for, too.

The first notes I wrote were showing Thankfulness for

Friendships:

To the couple out in Colorado, who have been friends with my

Mom since she was teaching in Westlake, Ohio in 1970. This

44 year friendship included a man who was the drama coach and

theatre director at Westlake. David Lanning, his wife, their son

and daughter mean a lot to my Mom, for their continued caring

and informative communication. Her old co-worker, David, is the

one who writes about his family’s current happenings.

I like to point this out, have been married to two men who

kept up writing and have two brothers who continue to write

personal letters. I have enjoyed re-reading about my brother,

Randy’s travels and receiving notes on Mother’s Day, Valentine’s

Day and birthday cards from my brother, Rich. I never realized

how rare this was until I entered that match.com six months’

period. Most men were not even interested in emailing and at

our lunch table, when Melvin is around, he says that he is the

only one in his family who still writes ‘snail mail.’

The other friendship was a neighbor, Jeannie J., who lived

across the street from my parents when they retired in 1980.

The couple who lived there had met, (very encouraging to

me), at a Burger King, both divorced and wishing for a new

companion. Jeannie shared with me, wedding photographs last

summer, along with their love story. When they were in line

for fast food, they chatted, as they parted and he shook

her hand, a shock and a shiver went up her arm. Their life

style changed dramatically over the years, motorcycling and

travel was their passion. Unfortunately, Jeannie has lost

her Dennis, her parents and his parents and her son, she is

only five years older than I am, such a kind and sweet,

attractive woman. I thought her special Christmas card to

Mom, with a personal message, merited a thank you from me

to her.

Her message to me had been: “Don’t judge a book by its cover!”

(Since she would never have dreamed of being a ‘biker chick’

in her forties! But that is what she had become once married

to her Dennis.)

The next gift was from my Mom’s cousin, Elaine. My note to her

was thanking her for the Gift of Life. Mom loved her gift of

the gorgeous pot with the bulbs of paperwhites tucked under the

peat moss dirt. I told Elaine about our holidays. I also told

her how Mom had been excited after Christmas to take down her

decorations. She could not wait to put the new planter on a

doily on her shelf outside her apartment door. Many of the

residents like to decorate these as small examples or showcases

for their style and creativity. Her simple, bright green shoots

of the paperwhites were popping out by New Year’s Eve.

Mom had mentioned to me, in one of her recent notes, that she

has been getting compliments on her simple decoration. Some

have felt the message was for a ‘Hope for Spring.’ Elaine is in

her late eighties and I thought her gift such a great idea!

For love, family and remembrance, I thanked my younger cousin,

Holly and her family for the delicious gift of Fannie Mae

chocolates. When Mom opened it, she wanted to share it with us,

but my youngest daughter and I declined, telling her to savor

them, hide them and eat them later, after the holidays. The

beautifully wrapped circular box, ribboned festively with its

golden bow was a perfect gift ‘match’ for my chocolate-loving Mom!

I am always grateful for my brothers’, son’s and daughters’

cooking, baking and sustenance. I had already written my thank

you cards to them. I texted back and forth to my sister in law,

with gratitude for her carefully chosen gifts from South Africa.

I had put off sending these grateful missives long enough! I just

needed to get this ‘chore’ completed. Once finished though, I was

so happy. It is strange how prolonging what you perceive as agony,

often once completed, feels like it was meaningful and you wonder

‘why?’ it took you so long to do it!

I had worried, with my Mom’s memory slipping away, that she would

not follow through on her end. I also think that it never hurts to

double up on thanking someone. It’s always a good idea, to make

sure that the ones who matter the most, know you are filled with

love and gratitude!

Handwritten Love Letters

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Collections of notes and love letters carry such important

messages. Sometimes connecting the world with the past,

sometimes bringing hope and love across the miles and

through dangerous times. Bill Shapiro went around the world

to collect his findings of such varied subjects, but mostly

he wanted Love Letters. (Check out his book, “Other People’s

Love Letters: 150 Letters You Were Never Meant to See, October,

2007.)

Bill Shapiro’s book can be studied to help you write a moving

and poignant love letter. His collection of letters range from

the very serious subject matter, includes the humorous to the

sublime.

Bill gathered notes and cards, too, that were sent from the

youngest age of kindergarten to the oldest age of beyond

ninety was a fantastic project for him to undertake. I would

have enjoyed this project and cherished the memories of the

faces on the people sharing them and who I would have met along

my journey.

I think that finding letters in an attic is such a wonderful

way to connect to your family’s heritage and see into the

way their thoughts and feelings were during the period the

messages were sent. The subjects of history, war, Depression

and the Holocaust have given us fascinating missives.

My Dad’s love letters, sent from Cleveland to Middletown,

Ohio were beseeching and searching for the way to capture my

Mom’s heart. They ‘cinched the deal’ while my Mom dated a

few men after college, living at home with her parents and

teaching high school. Their love life was always passionate,

filled with the continued promise that it would last forever.

The packet of shoestring tied cards with each personally

filled out, by my Dad to my Mom, found after his death has

been on my mind, especially as their 59th anniversary is

fast approaching.

You see, four years before my Dad’s death he suffered a

life-changing stroke. It was debilitating in a devastating

way. He was not able to read nor write for months. Once he

‘passed’ the occupational and physical therapists’ time

limit, my mother had helped to find the interesting twist of

fate that had switched his right and left sides of his brain.

He was walking in the winter, through the Sandusky, Ohio mall,

where he kept bumping into people. My mother quietly and gently

would move him back by her side.

When he would reach for his silverware or cup of coffee, she

would note, he would be reaching in the opposite direction

from where he wanted. He would look at my mother, with a

somewhat confused and childlike look on his face. She said it

reminded her of a wounded puppy.

She started by telling him to place his left hand on the table

and remember that was his left side. When he would physically

do this, it helped. It placed him more in the realm of awareness

and also, this became quite helpful for him to read again.

One of my parent’s favorite activity, as they drank their coffee

on retirement days, they would combine their brains and complete

the crossword puzzle in two newspapers daily. What he knew in

science and technology balanced her knowledge of the world,

history and of course, her favorite subject, English and

languages.

My mom found the squares in the crossword puzzle to be rather

helpful for Dad’s orientation and re-introduction to writing

left to right. Why do I think this is significant to love letters?

The way he was childlike had concerned my mother’s mind and their

budget. Her ‘last straw’ was when he chose to buy six ‘expensive’

Vermilion, Ohio beach towels from one of the souvenir stores in

their retirement village of choice. The total came to $120!! my

Mom yelled! My Mom took his credit card away, even though the

thought of his six grandchildren, my three plus Rich and Susan’s

three, were not worth the extraordinary cost! She returned the

towels to wait until a local store (now closed) called Alco’s

had their beach towels on sale, at the end of summer clearance.

So, my Dad was sadly commissioned an ‘allowance’ of only twenty

dollars a week.

Four wonderful years passed. He had been given a new lease on

life, his heart had stopped in the hospital while recuperating

from the stroke. He had gone, he believed ‘to Heaven and back.’

Pulled back to life, by the resuscitation process with those

handheld electric shock pumps on his chest.

Of course, if you have read this before, it never hurts to hear

these encouraging words that my Dad exclaimed, once ‘back from

his spaceship trip to Heaven:’

“If I can make it to Heaven, anyone can!”

My Dad found out he had cancer in late Summer, 2000. He was

told it may be a year or less, he took the chemo and the other

treatments. He was ‘chipper’ but nauseous. He continued to find

wonders in each day, since that stroke had made him a big kid

again. Mom and he had some special and romantic moments, despite

his knowing he was not going to live long.

The fact that he bought, over the short period of September, 2000

when he found out he had cancer and not long to live, until the

beginning of January, a total of 42 cards is outstanding! He used

his budget to buy a few each time that my parents were out, my

Mom swears she never even noticed him wandering around the stores

towards the card department. She also said when she was buying

candy at the local Hallmark Shoppe, she did not notice him looking

and searching for ‘just the right one.’ None of us knew until my

Dad had died on January 27, 2001, that my Mom’s treasure trove of

cards and messages was still waiting for her to find.

It took my Mom past February to even think of going into Dad’s

clothing drawers. She found a few things in the laundry and

was not even wishing to wash them. They had my Dad’s scent on

them. She wore one of his sweatshirts for a month of nights

to bed. She finally got herself ‘geared up’ for the heavy task

of cleaning out the drawers.

Three stacks were made on the bed she no longer slept in. The

day that my Dad passed, she chose to start sleeping on the sofa

with the back of it, like his own back, pressed up against her.

One stack of clothes was for my brothers to search through,

one was for the grandkids, my own three children choosing to

pick a t-shirt and a tie, with my son and oldest daughter

wanting a leather belt each. The third stack of clothing went

to the Vermilion Goodwill Store.

When she opened the socks drawer, she was digging through

it, transferring the great number of tube socks directly

across the room, into her own sock drawer. She, to this

day, wears men’s socks that are leftover from Dad or buys

new ones to remind her of him.

At the bottom of the drawer a pile of cards over 12″ tall,

about 8″ wide, was tied with a brown shoe string. It had

a note at the top. It said (the gist of it):

“Rosalie, I hope that you will find comfort in these cards

that I searched for you to open. Please read only on the

dates that are given on them, so they will last quite

awhile. I hope to make it to our 46th anniversary, but if

not, that will be your first card to open. Now, you know

I love you and will be with you always. Don’t be sad when

the last card is opened. Maybe you can have a party and

celebrate then, on our 50th Golden Anniversary.

Love you, pardner! Bob.”

My Mom called each of us to share the news. We had had a

meal on their 46th anniversary with Mom, my oldest daughter,

both brothers, myself, my sister in law and my ex-husband.

We had eaten at one of their favorite restaurants by the

Sandusky Mall. She had not yet found the hidden cards.

When Valentine’s Day came she had not yet discovered the pile.

But by the rowdy holiday of St. Patrick’s Day and the rest of

the years leading up to 2005, she had several to open on important

dates, along with some silly ones thrown in to fill in gaps in time.

There were six non-holiday ones, that tickled his ‘fancy,’ and had

some nonsensical reference to a memory that they shared. All major

holidays we celebrated, including Thanksgiving, Christmas and New

Year’s. Each had some quick thoughts jotted down after the printed

message. My Dad utilized some of his clever and sarcastic wit. Her

birthday ones and the anniversary ones seemed to my eyes to respect

their serious nature and therefore were very elaborate and ornate.

These were the ‘special’ ones, that if you were there, you would

note a tear shed by Mom. The Halloween ones had silly things like

witches and one time, as if she were a child, one had a ghost that

opened up into three dimensional and whispered, “Boo!”

We had that celebratory party, in a fancy hotel restaurant

halfway to my aunt and uncle’s house in Chardon, Ohio. It was

a lovely feast, where each had put their thirty dollars in to

pay the total bill and include a grand tip for the servers.

It included cousins and three female grandchildren, one great

grandchild, Skyler, (age 4 months), we three siblings, two

spouses, my Aunt Amy and Uncle Orrin and Mom, in all her glory,

at the head of the table.

Gifts were humorous or simple, no expense was stressed when we

planned this celebratory occasion.

Mom ‘kept the card’ but I practically memorized Dad’s message

written here are the words on my Parent’s 50th Anniversary card,

which was absolutely gorgeous,

written five years prior:

“Dear Rosalie,

You were my help mate, my editor, my best friend, my anchor,

my co-pilot, and the mother of my children. You were the love

of my life.

And to Robin, Randy and Rich, our 3 R’s (reading, writing and

‘rithmetic!)

And to Carrie, Jamie, Felicia, Katherine, Jonathan and Libby~~

And to All the Possibilities!

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

(he included 9 ?’s)

I LOVE YOU!

I wish to have you understand what an impact this has been

on my years since. It is hard not to compare the love between

my parents, one raised in the ghetto, working nights at age 11.

My Mom says, “He was such a punk!” While the other half of the

pair (dynamic duo!), my Mom, was raised well. To the long list

of men who have been my suitors (husbands, friends and boyfriends)

I have been disappointed. They “did not hold a candle” to him!

My optimism mixes with some dashes of cynicism, then I get

a little nudge or message in a dream from my Dad:

“Don’t give up the search!

Protect your heart.

He is waiting for you to find him!”

Lovingly sent.

The Truth

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It seems like this word, in itself, could fill journals about

its meaning and consequences. The lack of it, definitely present

in society, individuals and often in companies’ actions. It is a

hard thing to come by, these days, it seems, to find an honest

person. Everywhere you turn, media in all its glory, flashes on

the falseness, the liar, and the unfaithful people. Businesses

have false advertising and people who hold C.E.O. positions are

often taking the brunt of the lies, sometimes knowingly promoting

them. Politicians are not to be trusted, or so the media often

publicizes the ones that are the worst, anyway.

“White lies” or “fibs” are what you would normally expect among

friends, loved ones and family. It would be great if that was the

“worst” you would have to face on a daily basis: someone telling

you look “nice” when you are recovering from the flu or that

dress “fits you,” when it has different areas pinching you in

all the wrong places!

It would be fantastic if there were no lying going on. I loved

the wit, satire and sarcasm of Ricky Gervais in the “The Invention

of Lying.” Poor, beautiful Jennifer Garner’s character is the “foil”

for a lot of the jokes and being so sincerely sweet and innocent,

believing Ricky’s character’s bold faced lies!

The song, “You Can Count on Me” comes from the adorable animated

children’s film, “The Fox and the Hound.” It is a great song about

how friends can count on each other. It was written in 1982, by

Burt Bacharach and has been performed by Rod Stewart, Dionne Warwick

Stevie Wonder, and many more. This leads to my second favorite

song about friendship, it begins with those infamous words, “Winter,

Spring, Summer or Fall…” (“You’ve Got a Friend” sung by James Taylor.)

Both of these songs are talking about your friends being there for you,

through thick and thin. I would like to say, that most people also

assume their friends and lovers will be honest, too. I mean, why would

someone say they are your best friend, or “You are my best friend” and

then, turn around and lie? Also, who would expect someone to say the

wedding vows, then within months, turn around and cheat on their new

bride or groom?

I have a “belief system” that I have “paid” for my mistakes in not

always being honest, if I have misjudged someone, or when I omitted

the truth. This is when I feel “karma” has come into play. Maybe

some would think God would punish the lies. I am not sure about this,

I prefer to think payback comes in time, “what goes around, comes

around.”

As I get older, though, sincerely to tell you the truth, I find it

easier to keep my ‘facts straight’ and to stay on the ‘straight and

narrow,” by just telling the truth. Isn’t that a mouthful? But, I

think you may understand, when you ‘make up excuses’ for not attending

a dinner, helping a friend move or something even more serious, you

don’t feel like going to a funeral, if you don’t just say, “I don’t

feel like it,” inevitably you will be caught in this “lie.” You will

be running out to get milk and you aren’t really “sick” as you had

given for the excuse out of a dinner with a somewhat irritating

friend or relative. They catch you and then, not only is their mistrust,

but you must pay with a bunch of guilty feelings!

While discoursing, without much factual backing on this subject, I had

to tell you that the famous line, Jack Nicholas’ character belts out

in the great movie, “A Few Good Men” echoes in my mind:

“You can’t handle the truth!!”

This can also happen, in your life, you are hiding your head like a

turtle, sheltering your heart. You don’t want to know that the person

you loved is unfaithful to you. You don’t want to really know your friend

cheated on her income taxes. You don’t want to… fill in the blanks of

when you would rather hear a lie. You would rather be comforted with the

blanket of untruthfulness.

Have you ever met someone who could look you straight in your eyes, without

batting their eyes, and they could tell you a lie? I have had two men in

my life and a girlfriend do this. It is heart breaking and also, strange when

you look back, seeing that there were threads left dangling, there was some

unraveling going on and you chose to ignore it.

While watching a rerun of “Criminal Minds” I found out that a man or woman

can take the lie detector test and still “pass it” by biting the inside of

their mouth. By creating a painful moment, their can be irregularities in

those “spikes” where the reader can see the lies. But, it can be artificially

created in intervals with little tricks like biting the inside of your mouth,

taking big, deep breaths and exhaling to give your pulse and reactions some

time to relax.

When people are put on the witness stand, they place a hand on the Bible,

then they say those famous words, “I swear to tell the truth, the whole

truth, so help me God.” Wish we could just go around in our lives, being

able to trust our friends, neighbors and loved ones. Sometimes this is

not possible. When you have to face a person who lied to you, how easy

is it for you to forgive? Are their different “levels of transgressions”

that would help you to decide how soon to give out forgiveness?

A serious subject and a diversion from Christmas. Far from the happy

posts, recently, and I hope you will forgive my “breaking up the party”

for these few moments…

Lying.”

Following Your Intuition

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I am always glad to hear these words from my good, dear friend, Bill:

“Follow your intuition, Robin. You have a good head on your shoulders

and good instincts!”  I had a definitely “odd” conversation with my new

friend, Mark, last night. I normally have my youngest daughter over for

dinner after her Pilates instructing on Wed. She came in, teary eyed,

someone had rudely been saying things during her instruction and

leading the women in her class. Several people said to “ignore the

rudeness” or “don’t take that woman seriously!” Anyway, she was not

in the mood for dinner and took hers “to go” and headed on the road

after several Mom hugs and reassuring comments.

When I got the phone call, I was tempted, inexplicably, to just not

answer it. I had mentioned that Wednesday is my youngest daughter’s

visiting night, that we either watch a movie from the library or we watch

our “guilty and silly pleasure t.v. shows.” But Mark called, I had no real

reason not to answer and he launched into a discussion that revealed

a lot about himself.

He started by asking how my day had gone. I mentioned that he was

“lucky” since my youngest daughter had breezed in, taken her lentil

soup and her treat I had saved for her, “to go.” He said, “That was not

very nice to not sit and eat with you.” I explained that sometimes, she

and I like to “retreat” when we have been hurt or upset about a

personal situation. I told him the comments that my daughter had

heard while the rest of the women were silently doing their Pilates

to a soft background of music.

I asked how his day had gone, he mentioned it was “Same old, same

old.”

I asked what he wanted to talk about, he could choose the subject.

He asked about my divorces, I gave a quick one or two line explanation

for each of the divorces. I said the men had started out very open and

committed to making things work, as I had. But, over time, I found out

each had a flaw that I could not adjust to. I tried the hardest with my

first one, less with my second one, and the third one was more him

than me, that made it end. (1. alcoholism, 2. adultery and 3. control

issues.) I mentioned, that I was not able to reconcile my feelings, even

with the first two going to counseling. I took “responsibility” for the

end results.

This is what set new, calm and quiet Mark off! He said, “You women!

It is always our fault!”

I was not sure where I confused him with my summary so I went into

“repeat” mode. I do this, my children know this to be one of my “teacher”

characteristics. If you didn’t understand the “lesson” I will tell it in a

slightly different way.

When I finished the story of how my three marriages ended up in divorce,

I told him that I wondered why he felt I was blaming the men. I felt going

to counseling and AA meetings for the first, going to counseling and taking

a break at my parents’ home for a summer with my children, with my second

husband gallivanting around Europe, and the last one, sticking with the third

while he was unemployed and I was working two jobs and my Master’s degree

deserved a “medal” for marital fidelity.

Poor Mark, maybe he was just not used to my trying to be light hearted. Maybe

he was just trying to figure it all out. I told him that I believed in monogamy

and I believed in faithfulness, I tried with first one to understand a disease that

had changed him from a pleasant man to a mean drunk. Again, saying I just

could not adapt to the ignoring and waiting for him to decide to go to AA. I had

two little children with the first one. The second one left while my third child

was only 6 months old. Last one, I lost the house, he lost his car, I almost lost

my car and ultimately lost my job, through a perpetual struggle to paddle and

stay afloat in a sinking marriage.

This is his revelation that is very telling in itself. My head started repeating the

following words,

“Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson!!” (“Lost in Space” t.v. show reference.)

I slowly listened, carefully digesting Mark’s words.

Here is Mark’s “break up story”:

“My wife left me without any warning at all. She went out the door one morning,

dressed to go to her professional job as a financial planner. She did not tell me

anything. I left about an hour later. I came home 9 hours later to find my house

cleared out of all of our good furniture. I wandered from room to room, crying

real tears. When I got to the family room, I saw her ‘Lady’s Lazy Boy’ sitting in

the corner with an end table between my ‘Men’s Lazy Boy.’ Behind the two

chairs, sitting side by side, there was our book shelf. It had been stripped of

all the books, mostly mine, and the only ones left were about one hundred

romance novels.”

I felt a weird shiver go through me, like deja vu (sorry the accent is not coming

up on the “vu” but you know what I mean!) My hairs on my arms stood up

and my head had a distinctly tingly feeling.

In the animal kingdom, animals instinctively “know” when a storm is brewing…

Watch your own sense of intuition and your inner “signs,” too.

The way I was raised, we had no boundaries. We spoke out, we debated and

made “bargains” as early as I remember. I did not ever feel stifled, but somehow

the word “stifled” entered my mind at the end of that recitation in a monotone

of his wife’s leaving Mark.

“Actions speak louder than words” in this case.

I asked him quietly, “What do you think she meant when she left only the two

Lazy Boys and her books?”

Mark said, “Hell if I know! What do you make of it?”

I thought and was pensive, I was silent. I could not say what I thought.

I told him, “I will think about it for awhile and let you know. What did your

friends think?”

He responded back, “They couldn’t figure it out, she had it made! I mean,

she had a beautiful house, great clothes, car, family and everything!”

To summarize my feelings, I will tell you this, my dear fellow bloggers,

I think I know why Mark was so different and so distant, guarded at the

restaurant. I also am not sure why I did not pick up on my gut feelings

until now.

I won’t be dating Mark, I believe our break through in communication

was our downfall.  With some foreboding feelings, I am not comfortable

going any farther in our relationship. Two dinners (Buns and Opa’s), two

coffees and a movie date. Finally, got to the “heart of the matter.”

Have you ever had a warning signal go off? Did you follow it or ignore it?

What happened next?

I have to follow my intuition.

Not my “match made from Heaven.”

Too bad!

Nice stuff and all!

And now, “the rest of the story”

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As a great radio storyteller, Paul  Harvey, always said, there are

always more to stories and that is how he would break to the

last commercial during each airing of his daily show. He would

come back and tell the listeners about the “rest of the story.”

I am going to shock and amaze you with the rest of the story

about the “new guy.” I feel bad, but must tell you that a couple

of personal friends, including Anna, say that I need to finish this

story. I did not “break up” with him over surface issues. I did not

choose to leave and not continue our friendship due to small

differences.

I liked his mother, his fun style of dating but when it comes down

to the “nitty gritty” of adult encounters and relationships you need

to talk frankly about your sexual preferences.

So, from here on out, this post is rated “R” and may have a few

moments of humor but also some precautions and warnings to

those who follow me and want the “truth” about dating. I would

hardly be giving the story correctly without finishing the last part.

I was so excited about dating and a physical relationship that I

wrote the post, “Sudden Preoccupation with Sex.”

I knew the possibility of vaginal dryness may come up so I bought

some lubricant and also, condoms that would be compatible with

them. You need to check the labels on both products, or some lubes

counteract and take away your “protection from STD’s.”

Just because a woman is a red blooded female, and wants “romance”

doesn’t mean she is anything (some bad words come to mind…) but

normal. Just want all those women (and men) who wish for their

physical contact to continue searching for a good, nice partner with

all of your interests aligned, AND go over verbally what you visualize

those encounters in the bedroom will include. Also, don’t be shy!

This is very important advice. I am remiss if I don’t include this in my

story, although, some may have quit reading by now!

Not all of you need this advice, you are in healthy and monogamous

relationships, either married or living together.

Or you have chosen a wilder side, and that is your preference, too.

Or you have chosen to live with abstinence, a great choice, in this

very dangerous adult sexual world!

When someone says, “Let’s just see where this takes us,” this is

being honest. I agree, not everyone can predict the outcome to

anything.

Nothing comes with a guarantee!

There was a 70’s expression, I heard it in college,

“Bad sex is better than no sex.”

Today, I would say, “No! That is not true! Don’t compromise your

integrity by having one night stands!”

My opinion, remember, but this is not someone else’s blog. You

have to depend on my telling you, straight from my heart to

yours.

Intimacy of the mind is so valuable. Respect, caring, love, and yes,

you may include lots of FUN in the mix!

I happen to like lots of kissing, which may lead someone in their

teens to think,

“Let’s get it on!” (I can hear his song playing, as I write, Marvin

Gaye, thank you for your sexy song! )

And Barry White I love that song, “You (Sexy Thing)” among both

your repertoires; a lot of romance has been going on for years!

I happen to wear nice clothes, with push up bras and hose on

dates, again, does this mean that I want sex all the time, no

thank you!

While with the new guy, somehow I maneuvered the conversation

to positions, preferences and feelings. This was only one month into

it and had thought earlier on,

“Oh, we can wait for three months or more.”

I was starting to feel the “pressure” from the new guy. Lots of sexual

comments about my appearance, his “being horny” on texts, and

some direct contact, too.

I asked, bluntly, while driving in the car on our way home from a nice

date where I wore a black dress with turquoise and green waves on

it, satin scooped neckline and hemming, black hose and short patent

leather heels with silver buckles on them. He wore a “Bernie Kosar for

President” t shirt and nice jeans. It was Steve Dakota’s Grille steakhouse,

so casual wear was more the norm. After all, we were in Marion, Ohio.

He kept going on how “sexy” I looked and I am appreciative of all

compliments and our friendly banter. I was relaxed and in a car,

not directly looking at each other sometimes is a good way to tackle

those sometimes hard to talk about subjects. I asked,

“How far did you think we would be going tonight?”

He answered,

“All the way, we have waited long enough.”

I replied,

“I am getting closer to that point but I had some problems in

my last relationship due to his preferences. Can we talk about

positions, what we like, what is off limits?”

He shrugged, seemed a little nonplussed,

“Nothing should be off limits except I don’t like anal sex.”

I agreed with that one!

Also, he added his favorite positions. Both of them did not

involve face to face contact. And, weirdly enough, one included

that position that was in my sudden preoccupation post, the

dreaded “wheelbarrow” one. Where my friend got a crick in

her neck! The other I would include but never in the beginning

nor in a close, cuddly way.

I guess I am more of the face to face, kissing, leading and getting

to the other places later, kind of girl!

People have told me I am “candid,” “forthright,” and informative.

I hope you see I am not trying to “gross you out” but telling this

is getting to where I realized I needed to include in our exit, last

time together visit.

While I told him my thoughts, he was nodding and agreeing. He

was understanding my directions and yet, not getting upset with

my candor. He was going to make sure I was “pleased first” he

told me.

When we got to his apartment, I washed up, brushed my teeth

and we were going to watch an Eagles concert dvd. I thought that

all sounded nice.

I put my leftover steak dinner in the take home box in his fridge.

I had decided, after our initial talk in the car, to stop and get my

favorite morning treats, maple long johns and french vanilla creamer

to add to our coffees.

I had my accoutrements needed for our intimate time in my purse,

so I was “good to go.” Always come prepared for action!

I also mentioned that I was okay with waiting, stretching out the

anticipation of the special moments and just having some good

“make out sessions.” He was not so keen on that, saw his frown

and I let that go.

Once we had been home for awhile we did proceed to my area of

interest, but as time went by, something odd happened, he started

piling sofa pillows on the floor and saying he was going to have me

kneel on these.

Huh? That was not the way we had discussed my preferences. Then,

he switched that he would use these while I turned around, etc.

Again, no that is not the way I visualized.

With a burst of tears, I gave up. I did not want this anymore. I was

“not feeling it” anymore.

This was not how I pictured it, I was feeling rushed, confused, and

conflicted. The person that I met, went to two movies, met his mother,

he met my mother, my brother, and two of my children at the wine bar

was doing something that my last boyfriend did.

He was ‘acting like he agreed with my thoughts and preferences’ but

not following through with them.

Then, an angry man faced me, all 6’4″ or so, that I had misled him,

the tears and concerns of my feelings were “selfish” and more of this,

as I grabbed my black sweater, hose, and shoes.

I felt a little breathless, realizing that I had a difficult position to get

out of. I have to say, to finish the truth of it all, I used his mother to

make the man shrink. I said, “How would you have liked your mother

to been treated? She was a single mother of four children when she

met your Dad, do you think she was going to have to get down on

cushions or have a non face to face first time with him?”

While doing this, make sure you fully believe this is not a serial rapist

nor a murderer. I do know they have “Mommy issues!” This could

trigger the final switch in your safe exiting.

As he stormed down the hallway to “take care of himself in the

bathroom” I left.

I have to say, calling my oldest daughter I was trembling with some

relief and fear mixed in. I could have been easily overpowered or

raped.

When she answered, her calm voice was enough to get me crying

again, as I pulled over to talk. I told her the whole story and she was

reassuring, did not judge me and my choices. She is so funny, her

first line was,

“Mom! I went to art college! You cannot ever shock me!”

(She attended Columbus College of Art and Design, lots of nude

models, crazy college roommates and friends… now a mother of two

boys, her boyfriend/partner there, too.)

Her comforting words after she heard the whole story, reassuring

me that I did “the right thing for you, Mom.” Getting the details was

not upsetting to her, she got a few more I would rather not include

but were also within the realm of my overall story.

My daughter told me something that may or may not be true, but

she believes that men who like it this way, are “Alpha males” and want

to “establish their dominance right from the ‘get go.'”

I did not ask if she had experienced any of this, but it seemed logical.

I am going to try and not seek athletes, especially ones who seem

to still be acting like they are “frat boys” or juvenile in their first

approaches.

It was fun to date a younger man, some may be quite sensitive so

not ruling them out, in the future!

The words I would tell anyone, are as follows,

“Make sure you are both on the same page. Don’t think you are

going to change his viewpoint midway through it. If he says he

likes no face to face or less of that then you need and want,

realize his first words are the ones to listen to, not the ones after

you have stated your preferences. Same goes for men.”

I have since talked openly to my friend, Bill, who has had a few

struggles getting where he wants with his younger woman, Heather,

his Starbucks’ younger girlfriend. Her first thoughts were threesomes,

my staid, steadyand calm man, never wants those. Did not back down.

No one should pressure you into anything!