Category Archives: John Wagner

Levity in Brevity

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Just sending some smiles and funny little jokes collected by my Mom

over the past few weeks from her friend, “Pooky,” otherwise known

as Joyce. Joyce is older than Mom, knows how to get on the computer

and prints out all kinds of colorful emailed jokes, some are illustrated

by John Wagner, with “Maxine” comic strip pictures attached. She

has tried to get my email address from my Mom, for which I am

eternally grateful for Mom. She has not asked me for my email

address. Mom handwrites Joyce notes but sometimes they are very

short notes. She repeats herself, they may just talk about the

weather and her dog, Nicki. I have read them and helped her out,

adding a few details and saying, “Just an extra note from Robin.”

 

This is a little silly but remember my Mom is 86 and it didn’t

embarrass her…

 

“An elderly man goes into confession and says to the Priest,

‘Father, I’m 80 years old, married and have 4 kids. I have 11

healthy grandchildren. Last night, I had an affair or fling

with two young women.

I was able to perform with both of them. . .

Twice.’

 

The Priest answered,

‘Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?’

 

His reply was,

‘Never Father. . . I’m Jewish.’

 

The Priest asked,

‘So then, why are you telling me?’

 

The excited elderly man exclaimed,

‘I’m telling EVERYBODY!'”

 

My Mom wrote at the bottom of this, just in case I didn’t get the joke:

“He is so proud of himself!”

 

 

My Mom put three ***’s by this one:

 

**”I’m thinking of leaving my body to Science.

Even scientists can use a good laugh now and then.”

(This had the famous Maxine and her dog with his eyes crossed.)

 

Another Maxine my Mom gave this two **’s:

**”The older I get, the harder it is to find Mr. Right.

Darn cataracts!”

 

This one my Mom emphatically agrees with (usually!)

She gave this one 4 ****’s:

****”Sometimes I like to turn the TV off and just sit

quietly, with my thoughts.

Then, when I am sure the commercials are over,

I turn it back on.”

This picture has Maxine with a big bowl of popcorn and

her television remote control in her hand. The dog has a

bowl of some kind of food, with it on his lap. It is cute.

 

My Mom also enclosed a note which was full of x’s and o’s,

as well as quick ‘sound bytes,’ like:

“Stay Warm!”

“Take Your Vitamins!”

“Wear gloves and warm socks!”

“Tell everyone Great Grammie O. Loves them!”

 

and last, but not least. . .

 

“Please don’t send the jokes back!”

 

 

 

Wisdom Through the Ages

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Sometimes philosophy can be found on posters, bumper stickers,

t-shirts and other forms of public media. I found these precious

and funny bits of wisdom tucked into a circulated email. If you have

already received this set of “Great Truths” before, please don’t give

up on my writing original material very soon. . .

 

“Great Truths Little Children Have Learned:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3. If you sister or brother hits you, don’t hit your sibling back. They

always catch the second person. (“She did it first” doesn’t work in

school either.)

4. Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato or a wriggly

kitten.

5. You cannot trust dogs to watch your food. Even if they are guard

dogs.

6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7. Never hold a Dust Buster and a pet or a bowl of cereal at the same

time.

8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Cutting brussel

sprouts into tiny bits doesn’t make it appear invisible either.

9. Don’t wear patterned underwear (polka dots) under white shorts or

slacks.

10. The best place to be when you are sad is Mommy, Daddy, Grandma

or Grandpa’s lap.”

 

“Great Truths Adults Have Learned:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.

3. Families are like fudge. . . mostly sweet but a little nutty.

4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for its fiber content

rather than the sweet flavor, coupon or toy inside.”

(Did you notice the list is getting smaller, as we age?)

 

“Great Truths About Growing Old:

1. Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.

2. Forget the health food. We need all the preservatives we can get.

3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you

are already down here.

4. You are getting old, when you get the same sensation from a

rocking chair or a porch swing that you once got on a merry go

round or a roller coaster.

 

Hope you also enjoy the following word plays and don’t mind

if they are a little “Pun- ny.”

 

1. “The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he or she can

tell when he is really in trouble.”

 

2. “Birds of a feather flock together. . .

and then use your car as target practice.”

 

3. “The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,

because by then your body and your fat have gotten

to be really good friend.”

 

4. “The easiest way to find something lost around the

house, is to purchase its replacement.”

 

5. “He who hesitates is probably right.”

 

6. For those over 40 years old, did you ever notice the

Roman Numerals for forty are:  “XL?”

 

7. Did you ever notice when you put the two words

“THE” and “IRS” together they spell, “THEIRS?”

 

8. Going along with this thought:

“A penny saved is a Government oversight.”

 

Now, to close with two “Maxine” comic strip comments:

9. “I can rise and shine,

but not at the same time.”

 

10. “Ever feel like you’ve had too much coffee?

Me neither.”

 

Happy Valentine’s Day funnies from “Maxine”

illustrated and written by John Wagner:

 

~**~ “The only thing better than a guy (or gal)

with chocolate is just the chocolate.” ~**~

 

~**~ “A box of chocolates is calling me. . .

which is more than my last boyfriend did.” ~**

Growing Older, Maxine Style

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Maxine, who is drawn and imagined by a man named John Wagner,

is one of my ‘go to’ posts and I admit to including some other jokes

and stories to help me fill in the blanks in my own creativity! Mom

and her good pen pal friend, Pooky, from California think she is a

hoot! I have other Senior Citizen articles my Mom stores up in her

apartment, sometimes one is so funny, she cannot resist sending

tucked into her own personally written correspondence. This is

NOT a Maxine list but reminds me of her ‘style!’

 

Growing Old is the Best Reason for Living!

1.  NO one is really wishing to spend hours on the road,

so you do not have to worry about being kidnapped.

 

2.  In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released 1st.

 

3.  NO one expects you to run. . .

Anywhere.

 

4.  People call at 9 p.m. and apologize, they ask. . .

“Did I wake you?”

 

5.  People no longer view you as a “hypochondriac.”

 

6.  There is nothing left to learn ‘the hard way.’

 

7. Things you buy now,

you won’t wear out!

 

8. You can eat Supper at 4 p.m. and catch those

Early Bird specials.

 

9. You get into heated arguments. . .

about pension plans.

 

10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

 

11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who

walks into the room.

 

12. You sing along with elevator and mall music.

 

13.  Your eyes won’t get much worse.

 

14. Your investment in health insurance is finally

beginning to pay off.

 

15. Your joints are accurate ‘meteorologists’ than the

National Weather Service.

 

16. Your secrets are safe with your friends. . .

because they can’t remember them (either!)

 

17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to

a manageable level.

 

*18. You cannot remember the end of any of your

favorite movies or television (repeated episodes) shows.

This really helps when the ‘surprise ending’ comes along!

 

*19. Everything seems to be a glass half full, taking each

day as a special ‘new’ adventure!

 

*20.  You make good, solid friends in grocery store lines.

You even make plans to see each other next week same

time, same location! (Or you know all the library computer

lab fellow users.)

 

*Funny thing, my Mom could not find the last page of this

serial jokes list, so I made up some fun ones that hopefully

reflect my own “Glass half full, positive outlook on life!”

Robin E. Oldrieve Cochran, (1/9/15).

 

Which one of these 20 reasons to enjoy growing old, are ones

that made you laugh or reflect your feelings about aging?

 

Hope this brought a little light and smiles to your day…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Word Play Chuckles

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Using a post combining aphorisms, puns and some humor I always

hope to send readers a good time. Word play is a way I enjoy others

who utilize unique ways to get your mind to travel. Sometimes, you

have to think a bit before you ‘get it.’ Other times, they are so corny,

you may groan. . .

 

The Family Tree

of

Vincent Van Gogh

(Note:  His members included a few ‘stereotypes’ which I left out.)

 

His hardworking Brother at the convenience store known as “Stop N Gogh.”

His dizzy and kooky Aunt known as “Verti- Gogh.”

His magician Uncle otherwise known as “Where Diddy Gogh.”

His Nephew who drove a stage coach out West was named, “Wells Far Gogh.”

His bird watching Cousin who went by the name of, “Fla Min Gogh.”

The beautiful, exotic Aunt was named, “Tang Gogh.”

The little girl Cousin who liked to eat fruit known as “Mang Gogh.”

The positive Teacher and Aunt was nicknamed, “Way to Gogh.”

The Grandfather from the Old World country, “Hugh Gogh.”

The little bouncy Nephew named Poe Gogh.

(This depended on whether or not you have heard of Pogo sticks?)

The lively Sister who loves disco and dancing- Go Gogh.

And Vince’s Niece whose family travels in an R.V.- “Winnie Bay Gogh.”

 

I saw you smiling over there, almost snorting your coffee:

“There Ya, Gogh!”

 

Maxine gives you this Intermission Thought:

“Take every birthday with a grain of salt. . .

This works much better if the salt accompanies a

Margarita!”

(Thanks, John Wagner!)

 

“No Pun Intended”

Ten “Punography” Entries

(I could have had twenty!)

1. What does a clock do when it is hungry?   It goes back 4 seconds.

 

2. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  Thesaurus.

 

3. Plans for the class trip to the Coca Cola factory:  I hope there won’t be

a Pop Quiz!

 

4. Broken pencils are. . .   pointless.

 

5. Old school Bible pun. . . How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

 

6. I tried to catch some fog.  I mist.

 

7. When chemists die, they barium.

 

8. This woman said she recognized me from the club for vegetarians.

But I’d never met herbivore.

 

9. I was in a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

 

10. The hospital told me I had Type A. . . . It was a Type O.

 

Now, drum roll please: An encore Pun!

“A dyslexic man walked into a bra.”

 

You may wonder what an aphorism is:

A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or

a general truth. I used to love George Carlin’s aphorisms. Here are a few

to hold you over until you can read G.C.’s brand or style of humor.

1. The nicest thing about the future is. . . that it starts tomorrow.

 

2. Money will buy a fine dog,  only kindness will make him wag his tail.

 

3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense

at all.

 

4. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

 

And the old standby, often expressed aphorism:

5. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark

to become a teen who wants to stay out all night?

 

And as Bugs Bunny would say with a stutter and a big smile…

“That’s All, Folks!”

Being a Senior

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There are plenty of advantages to being a senior citizen, discounted menu items

and movie tickets. I am adding some silly thoughts, thanks to John Wagner’s

creation of Maxine! Mom, my youngest brother and I watched a serious movie,

called, “Mandela: The Long Walk to Freedom” and today, my Mom and I just

watched another library DVD, “Betty and Coretta,” telling the stories of the two

women who became widows, their struggles, their speeches and impact on black

women for generations. Betty was married to Malcolm X and Coretta was married

to Martin Luther King, Jr.

What better way to ‘lighten’ our moods than opening Mom’s big envelope of funny

stories and “Maxine” clippings sent from California, Pookie. We laughed at this set

of “Yes, I’m a Senior Citizen” one-liners:

1. “I’m the life of the party…

Even if it lasts until only 8 p.m.”

 

2. “I’m very good at opening childproof caps on medications…

using a hammer.”

 

3. “I’m awake many hours before

my body allows me to get up.”

 

4. “I’m smiling all the time,

because I cannot hear a word you’r saying.”

 

5. “I’m sure everything I cannot find is

in a safe secure place…

somewhere.”

(This was one that directly applied to Mom and me,

while we searched from drawer to drawer for her

Medicare/Aetna insurance card! We found it, just in

time to leave for the ‘first doctor of the week.’)

 

6. “I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy,

and that’s just my left leg.”

 

7. “I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for cowards!”

(Maxine says, “Not for wimps.”)

 

8. “I’m having the time of my life, if I only knew which apt.

I live in!” This was a comment from an elderly woman who

was listening to the musical program here last night to my

Mom.

 

This joke made my Mom laugh but she followed it with a quick

comment, “That is kind of gross!”

 

“A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out she is taking

a nap. So he sits down in a chair in her room. He flips through a few

magazines. He munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the

table.

Eventually the aunt wakes up. Her nephew realizes he has absent-

mindedly finished up the entire bowl of nuts.

He says, “I’m so sorry, Auntie. I have eaten all your peanuts. I will

bring you some next time I come to visit.”

She replies,

“Just remember to bring me chocolate covered peanuts, as I enjoy

sucking off the chocolate. I don’t care for the peanuts part, dearie.”

 

And the last, making this an even ten funnies for this Wednesday…

“A woman meant to call a record store but dialed a private home

phone number instead.

She asked with some enthusiasm,

“Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme?’

The puzzled homeowner responded,

“Well, no, but I have a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” the woman inquired.

“I don’t think so, ” replied the man, “but it is as close as I want to get.”

 

 

Happy Hump Day and enjoy the rest of the week!

I hope

it goes

all

d

o

w

n

h

I

l

l

!

 

 

 

 

 

Simply Funny

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Isn’t it ironic? By the time you’re old enough to know your way around- –

you’re not going anywhere or are too tired to stay up!

 

Happy people- – can enjoy the scenery, while on a detoured route.

 

Happiness comes through doors- –

ones you didn’t even know existed (or you didn’t even open).

 

Ever notice the ones who are late

and keep you waiting- –

have less worries or cares?

 

Living on Earth is expensive,

cost of living goes up every year,

But it includes a. . .

Free

Trip

Around

the

Sun

Every

Year!

 

My boyfriend and I had words. . .

I didn’t get to use Mine!

 

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

 

I just got a flyer in my mailbox.

It says I can have sex at 59.

(Soon approaching this one!)

Oh goodie!

It’s not too far to walk to apt. 59,

I don’t even have to go outdoors.

I won’t even have to put my clothes on!

I can just wear my pajamas and slippers over.

 

Here’s a great idea for your voicemail.

It will take care of your ‘pesky’ friends

and family, ones who may be ‘toxic:’

 

“Hello, this is ______. I am not available

right now. Thank you for calling. I am currently

making changes in my life.

Please leave a message. If you don’t hear back

from me soon consider yourself one of my changes.”

 

Now, in addition to these happy solutions above,

for your encore presentation. . .

Stay tuned for 4 Maxine quickies!

 

1. Is it true, that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

 

2. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

 

3. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 

4. As income tax comes around once a year did you

ever notice that you can put the two words,

“The” and “IRS”

to spell,

“THEIRS?”

 

Smiles to you and yours!

Hope you have a sunny day!

 

 

 

 

What a Riot, Maxine!

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When I quote some ‘words of wisdom,’ as dictated by the wild and carefree Maxine,

I seem to have more viewers and more fun comments than almost any other posts.

If you have ever seen the drawings and read ‘her’ witty sarcasm by the artist and

writer named, John Wagner, you will be able to ‘picture in your head,’ how Maxine

looks. Sometimes she has a hat with a flower sticking out of it, other times a ‘beret.’

I like her dark sunglasses and her extra curly white hair, with red earrings peeking

out, on her earlobes. I like her dog with his pointy ears and his silly cross-eyed looks,

sometimes his eyes are just ‘askance’ or expressing skepticism of his owner, Maxine.

Sometimes she looks cranky, other times ‘cross,’ but no matter what her appearance,

I will nod my head, sometimes snigger a little,  knowing she understand growing older.

 

Interesting, isn’t it? That its a man who writes these and draws Maxine with such a

unique character and personality,  in such simple strokes. I cannot help myself, I think

of some of my Mom’s apartment neighbors, table mates and her friend, Pooky.

I must admit, my Mom is NOT a cranky woman. . . but she does wear red lipstick, a

hat upon her (thinly haired) head and a smile on her face. There are at least 12 choices

of hats in her coat closet; maybe more! She has Easter hats, a red, white and blue hat,

fall hats, felt hats and ones that look like she is heading out to garden. She has a mirror

by the door, to look at herself, determing which one is the ‘perfect’ match for the day.

 

Are you ready for some fun!

Do I hear you cheering for Maxine?

Here she comes, both ‘barrels’ loaded and ready to give it her ‘best shots!’

 

1. Morning

“The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm every morning is

the fact that it is my cell phone!”

 

2. Aging

“I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older. . .

YOUNGER!!”

 

3. “Bad Girls”

“There’s a certain age where you can no longer use the term:

‘Good Girl gone Bad.’

“It’s more like,

‘Her old ass should know better!’

 

4. Stress…

“My Doctor told me to start killing people.

Well, not in those exact words. . .

He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. . .

Same thing really!”

 

5. Cooking fantasies…

“I read recipes the same way I read Science Fiction.

I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to

happen!'”

 

6. A better place…

“The world would be a nicer place if everyone just

would take a ‘chill pill.’

It would get even better, if some of them choked on it!”

 

7. This is so true…

“My day starts backwards.

I wake up tired,

and go to bed, wide awake!!”

 

8. Musings…

“Why isn’t the number 11, pronounced, ‘onety-one?'”

 

9. More musings…

“If 4 out of 5 people ‘suffer’ from diarrhea, does that mean

that one out of five enjoys it?”

 

10. Recreation

“I’m thinking of going roller skating (insert your favorite

dangerous sport… skateboarding, skydiving…)

I could use a couple weeks in a hospital to rest and recuperate.”

 

Of course, you may use your own form of recreation but I usually

choose wine or desserts to help me feel better.

What helps ‘float your boat?’

 

 

Have a fun-filled weekend!