Category Archives: jokes

Levity in Brevity

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Just sending some smiles and funny little jokes collected by my Mom

over the past few weeks from her friend, “Pooky,” otherwise known

as Joyce. Joyce is older than Mom, knows how to get on the computer

and prints out all kinds of colorful emailed jokes, some are illustrated

by John Wagner, with “Maxine” comic strip pictures attached. She

has tried to get my email address from my Mom, for which I am

eternally grateful for Mom. She has not asked me for my email

address. Mom handwrites Joyce notes but sometimes they are very

short notes. She repeats herself, they may just talk about the

weather and her dog, Nicki. I have read them and helped her out,

adding a few details and saying, “Just an extra note from Robin.”

 

This is a little silly but remember my Mom is 86 and it didn’t

embarrass her…

 

“An elderly man goes into confession and says to the Priest,

‘Father, I’m 80 years old, married and have 4 kids. I have 11

healthy grandchildren. Last night, I had an affair or fling

with two young women.

I was able to perform with both of them. . .

Twice.’

 

The Priest answered,

‘Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?’

 

His reply was,

‘Never Father. . . I’m Jewish.’

 

The Priest asked,

‘So then, why are you telling me?’

 

The excited elderly man exclaimed,

‘I’m telling EVERYBODY!'”

 

My Mom wrote at the bottom of this, just in case I didn’t get the joke:

“He is so proud of himself!”

 

 

My Mom put three ***’s by this one:

 

**”I’m thinking of leaving my body to Science.

Even scientists can use a good laugh now and then.”

(This had the famous Maxine and her dog with his eyes crossed.)

 

Another Maxine my Mom gave this two **’s:

**”The older I get, the harder it is to find Mr. Right.

Darn cataracts!”

 

This one my Mom emphatically agrees with (usually!)

She gave this one 4 ****’s:

****”Sometimes I like to turn the TV off and just sit

quietly, with my thoughts.

Then, when I am sure the commercials are over,

I turn it back on.”

This picture has Maxine with a big bowl of popcorn and

her television remote control in her hand. The dog has a

bowl of some kind of food, with it on his lap. It is cute.

 

My Mom also enclosed a note which was full of x’s and o’s,

as well as quick ‘sound bytes,’ like:

“Stay Warm!”

“Take Your Vitamins!”

“Wear gloves and warm socks!”

“Tell everyone Great Grammie O. Loves them!”

 

and last, but not least. . .

 

“Please don’t send the jokes back!”

 

 

 

Humor Comes in All Sorts of Packages

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Sometimes there are things you may “think,” but you would never

put into words. You may even admire the one who seems to have

listened to that impudent ‘voice in your head.’ You may, on the other

hand, cringe and think, “Oh no! That is way too blunt!”

 

Comedy is often built around those ‘cringe-worthy’ moments.  I

laugh at movies, which if someone were to actually DO the things

which are depicted in the movies, I may actually display a face

full of horror.  I may be outwardly ‘aghast’ but I also might be

laughing on the inside, too.

 

In Shakespeare’s time, his plays often added humor sometimes

displaying a bit of ‘sauciness.’ While taking a high school English

‘mini-course,’ we studied Chaucer’s “Canterbury Tales.” The school

administration encouraged our teacher, Mr. Billman, to send home

parents’ permission slips before we read and discussed this rather

controversial book. It makes me smile a little to think we needed

permission to read this bawdy collection of tales. They are considered

‘classics.’ This book has been on some lists for ‘book-burning,’ too.

 

When the history of ‘drag queens’ is studied, you learn that the

ones who were “dressed as girls” became called, “drags.” While

those who were wearing men’s (otherwise known as ‘boys’)

clothing were named, “drabs.”

 

Women dressed as men, sometimes in the most interesting

situations. In the movie, “The Year of Living Dangerously,”

Kevin Costner’s character has a ‘male’ friend, a photographer.

Linda Hunt won Best Supporting Actress in her male role.

 

In the movie, “Yentl” Barbara Streisand portrayed a young man

in this Jewish story. It was unusual in that it was considered to be

a “romantic musical drama comedy” movie released in 1983.

 

In the more recent 2012 movie, Glenn Close depicted the main

character and title role in, “Albert Nobbs.” She was nominated for

Best Actress in this movie, along with Golden Globe and SAG’s

but did not win in her fascinating portrayal of a man.

 

Women were not often ‘allowed’  in stage productions, due to the

impropriety.  So, the original ‘drag’ performers were considered

‘normal,’ while performing in traditional plays. Their wardrobe

choice would fit the role they were playing. This made men wearing

women’s clothes, considered ‘appropriately attired.’

 

In the making of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s life, in the movie,

“Amadeus,” there are several scenes where the fine, classical and

renowned musician is carrying on with people of questionable

sexual orientation.

 

Funny. how when the black and white movie, with Tony Curtis,

Jack Lemmon and the gorgeous, Marilyn Monroe cane out in 1959,

no one made a big deal about men hiding in women’s clothing,

from the Mob. The same theme came into play, in the television

series, “Bosom Buddies.” This resulted in giving us the famous,

funny and talented actor, Tom Hanks.

 

There are many other examples of men dressing up like women

which makes the audience laugh.

 

Why does it bother some people then, to go and see a Drag Queen

or a comedy performance with men dressed as women? I guess

this is up to each person’s level of Comfort Zone.

 

There may be some of Mary Nolan’s humorous comments listed

in this post which you may not like. You may even consider them

‘distasteful.’ I hope you will laugh instead. But, at least I gave you

‘fair warning’ of the content in the remainder of this post.

 

I edited out a few of this transgender Columbus native’s raunchy

descriptions of famous people and left the more ‘palatable’ ones

here.

 

There is something to be said about bluntness and edginess. I am

one who doesn’t believe in censorship. What I hear in a comedy

sketch or stand up routine performed in a local tavern, bar, film or

comedy club is usually off-color but comical, one way or another.

 

I have to admit, I may like ‘shocking’  or ‘bawdy’ content. Now, be

honest: Have you ever laughed at “Bridesmaids,” “American Pie”

or “There’s Something about Mary?”

 

This is not “R-rated”nor even “PG 13,” so hope you find something

to laugh out loud about. But if not, this is fine. Humor is like food

and other ‘tastes:’ To each his own!

 

Each of these comments were published in the January, 2015,

“Outlook” magazine.  These are taken from Mary Nolan’s column,

“Reading is Fundamental.” The main readership of this monthly

publication  comes from  the culture of Ohio’s  LGBT  and  Ally

community. You can find this in the lobby of our Delaware County

District Library and other central Ohio locations. It is free to all.

 

1. About John Boehner-

 

“Hey John, skin cancer called and it doesn’t want you either!”

 

2. About Taylor Swift- (appearing with the Victoria Secret models

in her own white outfit, circlet of white feathers on her head and

angel wings):

 

“It’s like the cast of “Glee” gang-banged a bag of sugar-coated

rainbows and the offspring was the most nauseating collection

of happy teen angst.”

 

3. About Kim Kardashian-

 

“I’m all for big (“a- – – -“) behinds, but this girl makes Ohio

bottoms look slightly less hungry.”

 

4. About Nick Jonas- (appearing in a photo without a shirt on):

“Nope, not gonna try to read this one except to say that he was

talentless in the group, Hanson.”

 

5. About Johnny Manziel-

“Nice work in that first start. Helen Keller did a better job of

finding the mark.”

 

6. About Mike DeWine- (on the subject of legalizing same sex

marriage):

“Fiscal responsibility apparently stops when it comes to a couple

of queens getting hitched.”

 

7. About Sherri Dribblelipz-

“I’m all for French broads and their hairy bodies, but for Christ’s

sake, would it kill you to take a weed whacker to them pasty white

airplane pillows? It’s like this: whatever happened to Baby Jane?

I don’t care!”

 

8. About Rosie O’Donnell-

“She’ll huff, she’ll puff and she’ll blow all of your interest in her

out the window.”

 

9. About Suze Ormon- (financial advisor)

“I’d rather get stock advice from the guy who sells drugs in a gay

bar bathroom stall.”

 

10. About Jesse Tyler Ferguson-

(From “Modern Family,” where he is the thinner man in the gay

couple and has red hair):

“For the love of everything unholy, flesh colored beards have never

been and never will be attractive!”

 

11. About Bianca Del Rio-

“Bianca calls her bit the “Rolodex of Hate.” It’s more like the

“Rolodex of Repeat.” She’s had the same material for her entire

40-year career! Speaking of which, Bianca, what were the 70’s

like?”

 

I used to listen to RuPaul, a famous Drag Queen, actress and

author. She made the rounds on talk shows and often appeared

in comedy skits. You can see him in such family movies as,

“The Brady Bunch Movie” and “Brady Bunch Sequel.”

His two books were published and had good sales.

RuPaul’s two books are called,

“Letting It All Hang Out” (an autobiography)

and “Workin’ It.”

 

Here are three RuPaul quotes for you to read:

 

~”When you become the image of your imagination,

it’s the most powerful thing you could ever do.”

 

~”If you don’t love yourself, how the H- – – you gonna

love someone else?”

 

~”We all come into this world naked.  The rest is all drag.”

 

Viva le difference!

 

Growing Older, Maxine Style

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Maxine, who is drawn and imagined by a man named John Wagner,

is one of my ‘go to’ posts and I admit to including some other jokes

and stories to help me fill in the blanks in my own creativity! Mom

and her good pen pal friend, Pooky, from California think she is a

hoot! I have other Senior Citizen articles my Mom stores up in her

apartment, sometimes one is so funny, she cannot resist sending

tucked into her own personally written correspondence. This is

NOT a Maxine list but reminds me of her ‘style!’

 

Growing Old is the Best Reason for Living!

1.  NO one is really wishing to spend hours on the road,

so you do not have to worry about being kidnapped.

 

2.  In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released 1st.

 

3.  NO one expects you to run. . .

Anywhere.

 

4.  People call at 9 p.m. and apologize, they ask. . .

“Did I wake you?”

 

5.  People no longer view you as a “hypochondriac.”

 

6.  There is nothing left to learn ‘the hard way.’

 

7. Things you buy now,

you won’t wear out!

 

8. You can eat Supper at 4 p.m. and catch those

Early Bird specials.

 

9. You get into heated arguments. . .

about pension plans.

 

10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

 

11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who

walks into the room.

 

12. You sing along with elevator and mall music.

 

13.  Your eyes won’t get much worse.

 

14. Your investment in health insurance is finally

beginning to pay off.

 

15. Your joints are accurate ‘meteorologists’ than the

National Weather Service.

 

16. Your secrets are safe with your friends. . .

because they can’t remember them (either!)

 

17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to

a manageable level.

 

*18. You cannot remember the end of any of your

favorite movies or television (repeated episodes) shows.

This really helps when the ‘surprise ending’ comes along!

 

*19. Everything seems to be a glass half full, taking each

day as a special ‘new’ adventure!

 

*20.  You make good, solid friends in grocery store lines.

You even make plans to see each other next week same

time, same location! (Or you know all the library computer

lab fellow users.)

 

*Funny thing, my Mom could not find the last page of this

serial jokes list, so I made up some fun ones that hopefully

reflect my own “Glass half full, positive outlook on life!”

Robin E. Oldrieve Cochran, (1/9/15).

 

Which one of these 20 reasons to enjoy growing old, are ones

that made you laugh or reflect your feelings about aging?

 

Hope this brought a little light and smiles to your day…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Word Play Chuckles

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Using a post combining aphorisms, puns and some humor I always

hope to send readers a good time. Word play is a way I enjoy others

who utilize unique ways to get your mind to travel. Sometimes, you

have to think a bit before you ‘get it.’ Other times, they are so corny,

you may groan. . .

 

The Family Tree

of

Vincent Van Gogh

(Note:  His members included a few ‘stereotypes’ which I left out.)

 

His hardworking Brother at the convenience store known as “Stop N Gogh.”

His dizzy and kooky Aunt known as “Verti- Gogh.”

His magician Uncle otherwise known as “Where Diddy Gogh.”

His Nephew who drove a stage coach out West was named, “Wells Far Gogh.”

His bird watching Cousin who went by the name of, “Fla Min Gogh.”

The beautiful, exotic Aunt was named, “Tang Gogh.”

The little girl Cousin who liked to eat fruit known as “Mang Gogh.”

The positive Teacher and Aunt was nicknamed, “Way to Gogh.”

The Grandfather from the Old World country, “Hugh Gogh.”

The little bouncy Nephew named Poe Gogh.

(This depended on whether or not you have heard of Pogo sticks?)

The lively Sister who loves disco and dancing- Go Gogh.

And Vince’s Niece whose family travels in an R.V.- “Winnie Bay Gogh.”

 

I saw you smiling over there, almost snorting your coffee:

“There Ya, Gogh!”

 

Maxine gives you this Intermission Thought:

“Take every birthday with a grain of salt. . .

This works much better if the salt accompanies a

Margarita!”

(Thanks, John Wagner!)

 

“No Pun Intended”

Ten “Punography” Entries

(I could have had twenty!)

1. What does a clock do when it is hungry?   It goes back 4 seconds.

 

2. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  Thesaurus.

 

3. Plans for the class trip to the Coca Cola factory:  I hope there won’t be

a Pop Quiz!

 

4. Broken pencils are. . .   pointless.

 

5. Old school Bible pun. . . How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

 

6. I tried to catch some fog.  I mist.

 

7. When chemists die, they barium.

 

8. This woman said she recognized me from the club for vegetarians.

But I’d never met herbivore.

 

9. I was in a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

 

10. The hospital told me I had Type A. . . . It was a Type O.

 

Now, drum roll please: An encore Pun!

“A dyslexic man walked into a bra.”

 

You may wonder what an aphorism is:

A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or

a general truth. I used to love George Carlin’s aphorisms. Here are a few

to hold you over until you can read G.C.’s brand or style of humor.

1. The nicest thing about the future is. . . that it starts tomorrow.

 

2. Money will buy a fine dog,  only kindness will make him wag his tail.

 

3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense

at all.

 

4. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

 

And the old standby, often expressed aphorism:

5. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark

to become a teen who wants to stay out all night?

 

And as Bugs Bunny would say with a stutter and a big smile…

“That’s All, Folks!”

Happy Moments

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Here are some funny jokes that have children and all ages involved

in them. They will hopefully bring you a chuckle and some cheerful

thoughts to get you through the rest of the week. These came from

Pookie, my Mom’s good friend in California. Mom circled a few of

the  jokes on the pages and added her own wording.  I trust her

editing and typed them pretty closely to how she had these.

These are story ‘jokes’ where it may actually sound like they are

written by me, but they are not. I think it is fun to insert myself or

people I know into them.

1.  The Facts of Life:

“On the way home from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson

innocently said to my daughter,

“Mommy, I know babies come from tummies, but how do they get

there in the first place?”

My daughter tried to change the subject, not quite ready to ‘break

the birds and the bees’ speech’ out at such a late hour with her 10

year old and 5 year old listening in rapt silence.

When she had ‘hemmed and hawed’ awhile, my grandson said in an

exasperated tone,

“Mom, it’s okay if you don’t know the answer, just tell me so!”

2.  A Military Story:

“Just before my friend’s son was deployed to Iraq, he sat his 8 year

old son (her grandson) down and broke the news to him, as gently

as possible, under the circumstances,

“Jimmy, I am going to be away for a long time but will keep in touch

with you, as much as possible.”

His son asked him, looking worried,

“Where are you going?”

Suddenly the friend’s son thought, ‘Oh no, I must not make him

worry,

Maybe he thinks I am dying… After all, just a few months’ ago, his

uncle had passed away…

“Jimmy, I am going to a far off country called, Iraq.”

Jimmy looked at his father like he was crazy and said,

“Don’t you know there’s a war going on over there, Dad?”

3.  Famous People Story, Kid’s Perspective:

“One afternoon a few years ago, Paul Newman was visiting the “Hole

in the Wall Gang Camp” for children stricken with cancer, AIDs and

blood diseases.

When a camp counselor spotted the actor with his wife, Joanne

Woodward, he pointed the couple out to his table of children,

‘That is the man who made movies and is a famous movie star

with his beautiful wife. Have you ever noticed or seen his picture

on salad dressing bottles?’

The kids all gave the camp counselor ‘blank stares.’

He tried once again to let them know about the importance to this

camp Paul Newman and his wife’s philanthropic project meant to

the kids,

“This couple came up with the idea for this camp so you could come

and enjoy the outdoors. Have you ever seen his face on any lemonade

cartons?”

Finally, a little eight year old girl perked up,

“How long was he missing?”

4.  God’s Problem Now:

“A man was at his wife’s graveside service, talking and thanking

people for coming to the funeral, despite it being such a stormy day.

He was speaking to the minister who had been so supportive to him

and his family.

All of a sudden, a massive clap of thunder rang through the gray clouds,

followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning.

This was followed by even more rumbling thunder in the distance.

The elderly man looked at his pastor, calmly saying,

“Well, we know she made it!”

5.  An “Aw-w-w!” Moment:

“I was waiting in the reception area of my doctor’s office, when a

woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the outer room.

As she went to check the elderly man in, over at the receptionist’s

desk, the man sat there alone and silent. His head was down, either

sleepy from his drive there or not feeling well.

Just as I was thinking about making small talk, hoping to brighten

his day, a little boy across the room slipped off his Mommy’s lap.

He walked timidly over to the older gentleman and placed his hand

over the top of the man’s.

He looked directly at the man and said,

“I know how you feel. My Mommy makes me ride in a stroller, too.”

6. Last one, hope this makes you smile. . .

“A group of us were chatting, while my oldest daughter was nursing

her son, (my grandson), Micah.

A 3 1/2 year old cousin, my son’s youngest daughter, went over to

my daughter…

She was quite curious and started asking questions,

‘What ‘cha doing?’

Carrie said, ‘I am feeding your baby cousin, Micah.’

‘What’s it taste like?’

Carrie responded, ‘Like milk. Like the stuff your Mommy puts in

your bedtime bottle.’

(She was still getting a bedtime bottle, soon to be a sippy cup instead.)

She was intrigued by the whole process, waiting to watch Carrie burp

Micah. When Carrie tucked herself back into her nursing bra, the last

comment ‘brought the house down,’ of the family gathering of adults

and children bursting into huge laughs,

‘My Mommy has two of those, but I don’t think she knows

how to use them.'”

My real family news, all joking aside:

Today, Lara is singing at Willis Middle School with the Chorus

singers. I am excited to be going to my first grandchild’s Middle

School program. I hope they will sing holiday songs. I will let you

know tomorrow. (12/17/14)

Tomorrow, in the later evening, Skyler, Micah and my oldest girl,

will do our annual tradition of seeing the lights at Alum Creek State

Park, which used to have just the “Twelve Days of Christmas,” now

has many wonderful displays. This display has gradually expanded

each year since my own three children, my parents and I would take

them. My parents had a Trans Van, which was a great way for the

kids to have a snack, their pajamas on, and get to see both sides of

the presentations. While you drive, you can tune into a local radio

channel that has the songs that go with the displays.

Dad was a ‘big kid at heart’ and loved listening to my children exclaim

in excited voices, “oooh!” and “aahh!” We would also enjoy going to

see Santa Claus across the street at Cross Creek Camp Ground. My

parents liked to sometimes stay there in the summer in the guest lots.

This probably excites me even more than the grandkids and my oldest

daughter. I pay for the ‘treat’ which goes to a worthy cause. They

are happy and do pipe up with their own little exclamations, like their

Mom did, when she was a girl.

What is your favorite family tradition?

Do you like to go out in your vehicle and look at Christmas lights

and decorations? Is there a special neighborhood that you like to

so see annually?

Humorous Nonsense

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Here are a few senior ‘jokes’ which are sure to tickle someone’s ‘fancy,’ or possibly

your ‘funny bone,’ at least!

 

1. “Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the people.

I did this and when I got home last night, I told her I had joined a Parachute Club.

 

She said, ‘Are you nuts? You’re almost 60 and you’re going to start jumping out

of airplanes?'”

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

 

She exclaimed loudly and profusely, ‘For heaven’s sake, where are your glasses?

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!'”

 

I am kind of in trouble now, I don’t know what to do.

I signed up for “Five Jumps a Week!”

 

Life, as a senior citizen is not getting any easier!”

 

2. Here are a collection of One Liners written and often delivered by

Phyllis Diller:

 

~ “Most children threaten at times to run away from home.

This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”

 

~ “Burt Reynolds once asked me out.

I was in his hospital room.”

 

~ “Robert Redford once asked me out.

I was in his house.”

 

~ “Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.”

 

~ “Any time 3 New York men get into a cab without

an argument,

a Bank has just been robbed.”

 

~ “I am eighteen years behind in my ironing.”

 

~ “We spend the first 12 months of a child’s life,

teaching them to walk and talk,

Then the next 17 years or more, we spend telling

them to sit down and be quiet!”

 

~ “What I don’t like about Christmas Office Parties,

is having to look for a job during the holidays the

day after…

 

When Joan Rivers died, I immediately thought about the ones who came before her,

like Mae West. And then, when I found these funny thoughts and quips by Phyllis

Diller, I could not stop thinking of her wacky looking self and her irritating voice,

both which added to her persona and held audiences while she cracked them up!

Phyllis Diller was born in Lima, Ohio in 1917 and lived to 2012. What a long and

productive life she led. She certainly went ‘far’ in the world of comedy. There wre

reports she ‘died with a smile on her face.’

Laughter is like the Fountain of Youth,  dip into it as often as you can!

Some of her insults about her husband may have sounded cruel, but she meant

them to be humorous. Poor Fang!

 

And. . . here’s another for the road.

 

“I have been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about

‘short and cheap?’

That’s pure Phyllis for you, razor sharp wit.

Humorous Romance

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Some of my friends who are younger are amazed when I mention that up until my

Dad died, my Mom and Dad enjoyed one form of romance or another. Here’s to all

those loving, open and caring people who dance in the kitchen! Hope this inspires

you to put some spice in your life or at least bring your significant other a bouquet

of burgundy, crimson, golden and burnt sienna Autumn flowers. My Mom will be

receiving a pot of those gorgeous lavender-rose chrysanthemums, (the closest there

is in the palette of fall colors to her favorite color of pink!) One important thing I

learned from my Mamma: “Never show up on the doorstep of your friends or loved

ones without an old-fashioned hostess!”

This is especially important if you are showing up with a packed bag, dirty laundry,

and a plan to stay for an extended period of many days!  When I would come home

from college, catching a ride from the Studon ‘ride board’ for Fall, Winter or Spring

Break, I already knew which were the certain plants that  Mom liked: mums, pink

poinsettias, and  pink tulips in that order. The pretty yellow or red daffodils or  the

brilliantly gorgeous red poinsettia plants did not ‘fit in’ with the pastels in her formal

Victorian living room.

Kenny Rogers’ song about “bringing his wife flowers” was a big  ‘hit’ with Mom. The

memorable special song was called, “Buy Me a Rose,” written by Jim Funk and Erik

Hickenlooper and released in 1999. This song included valuable communication

suggestions like calling one’s partner during the day time, to make her smile and

stay in touch, simple gestures. Too often, those meaningful and thoughtful ways of

staying connected are lost, especially during the frantic paced child-rearing period

of Life. I know, from personal experience oh too well, women can become so wrapped

into their childrens’ lives they miss the signs they are losing touch with their spouses.

My parents set an example of putting priority on their interpersonal relationship

time to go out together, sometimes dressing up to be chaperone school dancees,

then stopping to have a drink out. Low cost; big rewards later.

My Dad knew’if he were in the dog house’ to bring Mom her favorite flowers of all:

pink roses. ”

The song, ” You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” (any more) pulls at my heart strings more

than the song Kenny Rogers sang. It is due to the fact that duets help  me transform

to another place and time, creating a  picture of the two people facing a crisis.  Along

with the two voices of Neil Diamond  and Barbra Streisand’s melodic and harmonious

blending made this a ‘perfect’ love song (in my mind.) This song affected many more

people than just me. Interestingly, this song had a very different beginning than I had

remembered. The collaboration of Neil Diamond with the couple, Alan and Marilyn

Bergman, were to write the music for a television comedy called, “All That Glitters.”

It was a very short snippet of a song, originally written as the opening t.v. series’ song

in 1977. (The show never caught on and took a ‘dive.’) Once it became expanded into

a full-length song in 1978, it was played frequently on the radio and became so popular

it won a Grammy Award for  “Best Song of the Year.”

 

Now, for the lighter side of this post, thanks to my Mom sending it to me this week.

(Joke taken from my Mom’s collection from her good friend and California pen pal

Joyce, otherwise known as, “Pooky.”)

 

Here are~

“Love Making Tips for Senior Citizens”

1. Wear your glasses.

This will ensure you that your partner actually in the bed and not asleep on a Lazy Boy,

in the living room. Glasses will be helpful for other reasons, like grabbing or tenderly

touching the appropriate body parts.

 

2. Set a timer for three minutes.

Just in case you accidentally doze off in the middle.

 

3. Set the mood with lighting.

Suggestion: Turn them ALL off!

Or if #5 is necessary (due to memory loss) keep a low light on your side of the bed

 

4. Make sure you put “911”on ‘speed dial’ or as one of your emergency contact numbers

on your cell phone. Before you begin. . .

 

5. Write partner’s name on your hand, in case you can’t remember it.

 

6. Use extra Poly Grip.

So your  teeth don’t end up under the bed.

 

7. Have Tylenol ready or other medications ready.

Just in case you two actually complete the act. Aches and pains, possible side effects.

 

8. Make all the noise you want.

The neighbors are probably as old as you are and hard of hearing.

 

9.  Congratulations!

Thank goodness for those endorphins and mood-enhancers.

This can be substituted for your daily regimen of a walk.

Exciting way to get your heart pumping and feel alive.

10. For all those ‘single ladies’ or ‘gentlemen,’

Dancing,

Running,

Skipping,

Hiking,

Swimming

or Dark chocolate can work, too.

 

It makes me sad there are a lot of couples who barely speak to each other.

When I  was a server while in my 40’s I would wait on tables and witness

this pattern of disconnection between lovers. Granted, I worked at Cracker

Barrel, where the busy 36/37 routes intersect with north and south 71. A

lot of my customers were tired, cranky tiravelers who also were hungry.

The way I would do my ‘part’ to brighten their day or night,  would be to

get their food or beverage order as soon as I could. Bringing their drinks,

accompanied with a platter of hot biscuits and corn bread  helped to break

the ice. Once I established rapport with them, I would fib to them.

I would say they looked like they “belonged together.”

It was such a simple statement

but it helped to improve their mood

and changed the temperature of the

atmosphere between the two of them,  too.

 

Quote for the Day:

“Blessed are those who can give graciously without remembering,

Blessed are those who can take gratefully without forgetting.”

( “The Spire” October,2014 First Presbyterian Church bulletin)