We are all “grown ups” here, I hope! I realize there are occasional young
people that are part of the blogging community that may wander in and
read one of my posts. There are ones who are as young as high school or
college who may stop by. I believe anyone who is logged into wordpress
or have their own blog are able to hear about a wide variety of subject
matters, or make the choice to ‘move on.’ I also think everyone should
read other posts, just in case the first one is just not your ‘cup of tea.’
Today, I am not trying to ‘start something,’ nor wishing to add too much
controversy in your lives. I don’t wish to shake you up or create drama
that you aren’t interested in.
I am hoping for a conversation about relationships.
The working relationship between the characters of Boothe and Temperance,
in the television series, “Bones,” had a great quotation that I will try to paraphrase
to give its essence:
(Boothe to Bones)
“Our perceptions are always colored by what we want to believe and hope for.”
I will share just some recent things that have caused me to ‘draw conclusions’
on the subject of couples.
Everyone has read or seen the subject, “Signs You Need to Break-up,” on the
television, in articles and on talk shows. Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, Judge Judy, all have
their opinions and judgments.
I always hope you (my friends and family) will know and make that choice on
There are times, though, that you may feel as a good friend or family member,
that you have a right to express your opinion. You are my ‘family’ of sorts and
I wish to share reasons I would ‘give up’ rather than ‘fight’ to stay in a rocky
You sometimes know, instinctively, when you have heard a person tell you about
someone who seems a little bit “off” or “wrong” for that friend.
Here are some strange and real examples observed or told to me by friends. . .
When You Know Things Are Going Wrong or
When You Need to Dis-Connect:
1. Calling one of the members of your ‘couple’ (spouse/partner) “Selfish.”
This is something that I could not believe someone said recently around me.
In this case, I would need to find out why that person was being considered
‘selfish’ and tend to think the one who is ‘name-calling,’ may not be meeting
that other person’s needs.
2. Using derogatory comments, with possible swear words, in a group or
In this time, I was at a play area, where the person said this to the other one,
in a loud voice, while children were playing near by.
This would be, truly, a cause for leaving someone. Sorry, I don’t play around
3. When you walk into a home, where the people are not great-grandparents,
and there are two Lazy-Boy’s, side by side, with an end table in between.
I am wondering how long have these people been living on parallel chairs,
with no bodies touching?
4. One participant in a relationship, who is not open for any counseling nor
discussions about improvements. There is a big, final door shutting on this
couple, I hear about at work.
5. Shorter version, not open to friendly (not nagging) suggestions and gets
hurt and insulted ‘easily’ by the other member in the couple.
6. One excuse after another, even when there is no financial nor scheduling
challenges, for having a ‘date night’ and time away from children.
7. One excuse after another, for months on end, with no physical or emotional
reasons behind these excuses, (unfounded excuses) for refusing any kind of
I would recommend the frank and explicit film, “The Sessions.” Our library has
it, it is about a man who is a parapalegic who has sexual healing sessions with a
physical intimacy counselor, played by Helen Hunt. It is very touching, I cried. I
felt that someone who is fully capable of having romance, will realize that it is a
gift to be able to do so.
This was brought up in a painfully honest, step by step movie, on how to get the
‘spark’ back into your marriage, in “Hope Springs.” It is not, in any way, funny.
But so honest and brutally true of some couples with their lives on hold, for
whatever reason. (Tommy Lee Jones, Meryl Streep and Steve Carrell, in a
serious role as a counselor.)
8. In a shorter version of #6 and #7, one person ‘putting distance’ into a
relationship. There is something wrong, this needs to be fixed before it is
irreparably repaired or broken.
9. No ‘big’ secrets kept between members of a family.
10. There is an uneven distribution of ‘power’ or ‘control’ in the couple.
This can be quite upsetting, when you see one or both covering up this
but other times, the truth slips out. Control and abuse are both forgivable
situations for separation or divorce, in my mind.
(Not going to worry about the Bible, since there are not any passages to
support this. It is okay to leave if your partner leaves ‘first’ and you don’t
need to follow. This is the only example of infidelity being a reason for
leaving, that the Bible addresses. No words about if the person is being
abused, emotionally or physically.)
They fester, rot and eventually tear apart the foundation of trust and love.
There are many ways to have a wonderful relationship and it is no one’s
business but the two of you, unless it is a confidential, impartial member of
the clergy, physician, counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist or member of the
My friend, Melvin, is not embarrassed to talk about how his girlfriend has
undergone different surgeries, outcomes of having cancer in her internal
‘private’ areas. He doesn’t broadcast them, but when she had a colostomy
bag, due to her having colon cancer, she and he dealt with this. When she
had an ileostomy, due to having something go seriously wrong with her
urinary tract, they managed to get through this, too. She has improved her
health, taken steps to have both chemo and radiation, so now the “stoma’s”
are the only physical remainders of her having both urine and fecal ‘bags.’
Melvin once confided in me, that he and his girlfriend have found ‘ways
around the different complications’ to ‘express their love for each other.’
After 15 years together, that is wonderful and admirable, that they realized
that they still needed to feel physically connected.
We have had a few comments back and forth, last summer when I brought
up that I was contemplating intimacy with a man I had dated for over a month.
I was hesitant, I gave a few humorous examples of how three women plus
myself had told on our more embarrassing parts of ‘growing older.’ That post,
with different stimulants, varied physical challenges ended with one of the
women sharing a strange and uncomfortable position. Anyway, hope that it
is okay to tell you that I agree with Melvin.
There should be ‘no limits’ to the ways you would engage in closeness, with
another person. As long as Both Parties are comfortable and agree. If there
are parts that are not satisfying, then being open to changing the parts but
adding something else to enhance the happy feelings and connectedness
one feels while engaged in romantic activities. When there are physical
challenges, “there are always alternatives for both parties involved,” my
friend Melvin shared with me.
After we talked out in the parking lot, Melvin asked me if I felt like we
should not have ‘stepped into this area of discussion,’ being friends and
coworkers. I felt very blessed and happy by knowing them. Melvin’s girl
friend and he were able to overcome their obstacles, working like a ‘team.’
I told him I had high hopes to have someone who treated me with the
same respect and consideration that the two of them expressed for
each other. They were ‘blessed’ for this union of lives together. I am so
happy that Melvin kept with Diane, despite these physical challenges.
Melvin then reminded me Diane no longer has them, since they hung
on, through it. He said,
“We may be not married, but we treat our feelings like ‘vows,’ and the
one about ‘for better or worse,’ continues to apply to us.”
I ended the ‘personal space’ dialogue by saying,
“Of all the things my parents talked about and what I learned from their
own personal lives, sex is not the weirdest topic covered!”
He burst out laughing and we got into our own separate cars. Happy to
have an open-minded friend to share some personal moments with, once