My coworker and friend’s words stopped me in my tracks yesterday.
Amy said, “Roy doesn’t kiss me.”
I turned to look at her, my beautiful and lively horse-backing friend,
owner of Spirit and Lokie.
I have worried about her, since the beginning of the year, when her
divorce was finalized. She has been a single woman trying her ‘wings’
lately, with a man named Tom and another named Roy.
Her grown children have been more on the side of her ex, even despite
the fact that he is the one who has notably, in over 25 years of marriage,
Twelve years ago, he had children with another woman, for Pete’s sake!
Amy allowed the twins to visit at her home, living proof of his rampant
unfaithfulness. She would have tolerated this forever. She was a believer
in marriage and its lasting forever, ‘for better or worse!’
This last time, her husband had chosen a woman who was a neighbor,
who had been a so-called ‘friend.’ This would have been my ‘last straw!’
Only after this ‘other’ woman ‘made’ him get a divorce to marry her, was
Amy released from a private ‘hell’ that she had been in, for so long. It is
hard for her to know what to do with her new freedom.
Men have been coming ‘out of the woodwork’ to ask her out on dates.
She has been enjoying all the attention. I have been happy for her, listening
to her different stories.
So, what was this about kissing?!
I thought every man who dated a woman, would eventually kiss them!
Roy has been in her life for about 5 months, the brother of the stable
Roy is a past rodeo cowboy and his photograph shows a sturdy, thin
attractive Clint Eastwood type. Amy likes him a lot more than the Tom
I have been listening to her ‘soap opera,’ for many months, while most
of the other order fillers have begun to ‘tune her out.’
Or worse, make fun of her, behind her back!
I have ‘been there, done that,’ as far as my dating history and failed
So I understand the need to validate behaviors along with needing a
‘listening and sympathetic ear.’
I used my stern voice to exclaim,
“What in the world are you talking about? You have had multiple dates
with Roy! You go to Indian Lake and stay in a cabin with him!”
She looked at the ground, saying,
“I was afraid you would lecture me about this! He never kisses me.”
I answered in an upset tone,
“Well, I think about Julia Roberts’s prostitute role, explaining to Richard
Gere’s character, how people aren’t allowed to kiss on the mouth, no
matter how much they pay their prostitute.”
(“Pretty Woman,” movie reference.)
I added hastily,
“You are not one, of course!”
Amy looked sheepishly at me,
“I was really hoping you were going to give me an example of someone
who did this, who was intimate with you but still preferred not to kiss!”
I could feel my brow creasing, my furrow between my eyes deepening
with my concern and caring for her. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or
make a hasty judgment about Roy, but. . .
“No, haven’t experienced this one before, Amy! I honestly have had only
one man who didn’t like to open mouth kiss, but that didn’t last long.
Sorry, as time went on, it got annoying kissing someone like I did my Dad
And I knew this would not be what she wanted to hear but I had to add this:
“Amy, you need to back away from Roy. There is something seriously wrong
that you two have slept together and never kissed!”
Amy came to Roy’s defense,
“But Robin, he gives great foot and back massages!”
I told her that once my ex-husband and I broke up, I dreamed about being
kissed. I wanted those lingering, sweet trembling moments that would make
my knees quiver and shake!
I even had daydreamed and pictured special kisses, where my soul would
glide into another’s soul, finally knowing what the concept of “Being One”
I also wondered aloud,
“Don’t you want the silky, sexy kisses which turn into passionate, arousing
My brothers are very different in their hugging modes, one is a sideways,
pat on the back or shoulder kind of guy, while the other gives great, warm
bear hugs. Both love me and are my best guy friends in the world! I did not
want to go into past men in my life or details. It is best to keep the
past in the past.
I told her my personal thoughts about ‘romance.’
“I feel slow dancing and passionate kisses are foreplay!”
I saw her shoulders drop and she turned to what she had been doing,
since her job is to count products in the bins, (Cycle Count department.)
I passed her with my long hampers, filling them with cords, wipers and
other longer items. The line was going the other way, away from Amy.
When it came time for break, she was happy again, telling me that Roy
had her to do something with him later that night. She felt that he was
going to do something special.
She thought, maybe they would talk about the lack of kissing.
“Maybe he is a ‘germaphobe?'” she wondered.
I nodded my head and told her the most validating thing I could think
of at the time,
“Whatever floats your boat, Amy. Remember to always be true to
Have you ever been in a relationship where one of you didn’t like to kiss?
Was there any psychological or meaningful reason for this?
I could give Amy some explanation, if I were better prepared!
Or is it like I fear? That this is a way to put distance between them, like
a wall between them? Is Roy doing this so that Amy isn’t bound to him?
I worry about her being ‘used’ by someone who is not appreciating her
the way she deserves to be.