Category Archives: matchmaking

The meaning behind kisses

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My coworker and friend’s words stopped me in my tracks yesterday.

Amy said, “Roy doesn’t kiss me.”

I turned to look at her, my beautiful and lively horse-backing friend,

owner of Spirit and Lokie.

I have worried about her, since the beginning of the year, when her

divorce was finalized. She has been a single woman trying her ‘wings’

lately, with a man named Tom and another named Roy.

Her grown children have been more on the side of her ex, even despite

the fact that he is the one who has notably, in over 25 years of marriage,

had affairs.

Twelve years ago, he had children with another woman, for Pete’s sake!

Amy allowed the twins to visit at her home, living proof of his rampant

unfaithfulness. She would have tolerated this forever. She was a believer

in marriage and its lasting forever, ‘for better or worse!’

This last time, her husband had chosen a woman who was a neighbor,

who had been a so-called ‘friend.’ This would have been my ‘last straw!’

Only after this ‘other’ woman ‘made’ him get a divorce to marry her, was

Amy released from a private ‘hell’ that she had been in, for so long. It is

hard for her to know what to do with her new freedom.

Men have been coming ‘out of the woodwork’ to ask her out on dates.

She has been enjoying all the attention. I have been happy for her, listening

to her different stories.

So, what was this about kissing?!

I thought every man who dated a woman, would eventually kiss them!

Roy has been in her life for about 5 months, the brother of the stable

owner.

Roy is a past rodeo cowboy and his photograph shows a sturdy, thin

attractive Clint Eastwood type. Amy likes him a lot more than the Tom

guy.

I have been listening to her ‘soap opera,’ for many months, while most

of the other order fillers have begun to ‘tune her out.’

Or worse, make fun of her, behind her back!

I have ‘been there, done that,’ as far as my dating history and failed

relationships.

So I understand the need to validate behaviors along with needing a

‘listening and sympathetic ear.’

“Amy!”

I used my stern voice to exclaim,

“What in the world are you talking about? You have had multiple dates

with Roy! You go to Indian Lake and stay in a cabin with him!”

She looked at the ground, saying,

“I was afraid you would lecture me about this! He never kisses me.”

I answered in an upset tone,

“Well, I think about Julia Roberts’s prostitute role, explaining to Richard

Gere’s character, how people aren’t allowed to kiss on the mouth, no

matter how much they pay their prostitute.”

(“Pretty Woman,” movie reference.)

I added hastily,

“You are not one, of course!”

Amy looked sheepishly at me,

“I was really hoping you were going to give me an example of someone

who did this, who was intimate with you but still preferred not to kiss!”

I could feel my brow creasing, my furrow between my eyes deepening

with my concern and caring for her. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or

make a hasty judgment about Roy, but. . .

“No, haven’t experienced this one before, Amy! I honestly have had only

one man who didn’t like to open mouth kiss, but that didn’t last long.

Sorry, as time went on, it got annoying kissing someone like I did my Dad

and brothers!”

And I knew this would not be what she wanted to hear but I had to add this:

“Amy, you need to back away from Roy. There is something seriously wrong

that you two have slept together and never kissed!”

Amy came to Roy’s defense,

“But Robin, he gives great foot and back massages!”

I told her that once my ex-husband and I broke up, I dreamed about being

kissed. I wanted those lingering, sweet trembling moments that would make

my knees quiver and shake!

I even had daydreamed and pictured special kisses, where my soul would

glide into another’s soul, finally knowing what the concept of “Being One”

would mean!

I also wondered aloud,

“Don’t you want the silky, sexy kisses which turn into passionate, arousing

ones?”

My brothers are very different in their hugging modes, one is a sideways,

pat on the back or shoulder kind of guy, while the other gives great, warm

bear hugs. Both love me and are my best guy friends in the world! I did not

want to go into past men in my life or details. It is best to keep the

past in the past.

I told her my personal thoughts about ‘romance.’

“I feel slow dancing and passionate kisses are foreplay!”

I saw her shoulders drop and she turned to what she had been doing,

since her job is to count products in the bins, (Cycle Count department.)

I passed her with my long hampers, filling them with cords, wipers and

other longer items. The line was going the other way, away from Amy.

When it came time for break, she was happy again, telling me that Roy

had her to do something with him later that night. She felt that he was

going to do something special.

She thought, maybe they would talk about the lack of kissing.

“Maybe he is a ‘germaphobe?'” she wondered.

I nodded my head and told her the most validating thing I could think

of at the time,

“Whatever floats your boat, Amy. Remember to always be true to

yourself!”

 

Have you ever been in a relationship where one of you didn’t like to kiss?

Was there any psychological or meaningful reason for this?

I could give Amy some explanation, if I were better prepared!

Or is it like I fear? That this is a way to put distance between them, like

a wall between them? Is Roy doing this so that Amy isn’t bound to him?

I worry about her being ‘used’ by someone who is not appreciating her

the way she deserves to be.

Going for Brighter Colors & Changes

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I complimented the librarian in the computer area today.

She has a habit of wearing blacks, browns and grays.

There have been occasionally some varying tones in her

clothing choices, with an addition of little bits of color.

Having talked to her often, observed her grading high

school papers, and knowing she is a volunteer after

teaching all day, I was thrilled to see more color in

her attire today.

The woman looked up from her work, giving me a brilliant

smile. She informed me that her husband had encouraged her

to ‘change up’ her color palette in her wardrobe. She added

this personal detail- she was working on waiting to lose a

certain amount of weight, before buying her new sized,

Spring and Summer clothes.

I mentioned to her that was an excellent reward system

she had going on! I gently suggested to just buy a few

scarves or tops, showing that she had listened to her

husband. Just in case she thought I was being too ‘pushy,’

or opinionated, I added, “It is always nice to have their

‘permission to spend money on ourselves.'”

Then, it was an even more intimate moment we shared. We

both smiled like we had shared an ‘inside joke’ or secret.

I took my seat and then, decided to let all of you out

there, men, women and young people who may be following

my blog in on the secret! Try out a different style,

new color or add patterns to your clothes…

Spice up your wardrobe!

It is fun to pass on a good idea and since some live

on a simpler, tighter budget, like myself, go on over

to your local resale shop or thrift store to rejuvenate

your ‘look!’

As a way to create conversation, my brother, Randy the

artist painted on a white linen jacket, billowing aqua,

turquoise and creamy-colored clouds for an art gallery

opening, held in California. He is one who looks quite

dapper, although his FB page is not so great, he has lost

weight and cut his hair, so he also needs to ‘change up!’

When I thought about my last years of teaching, I had

a rainbow of colors every day reflected in my clothing.

My other brother, the professor, loves it when I buy

him ‘cool’ ties. He likes school related theme ties,

along with ones that just have music, art or jazz

up his ‘look.’ Trying something new is good for all

of us, both sexes, wherever we work or go out and

about in society. It may just create a little magic

for you and your special person, or attract someone

who has not noticed you before.

At my current job, I tend to wear those dismal colors

of black, gray, brown and an occasional dark blue. This

had been my mode of operandi to prevent damage and stains

that are impossible to get out of my work clothes. It is a

dirty place; lots of times I look like ‘Pigpen’ from the

Charles Schulz comic strip, “Peanuts!”

Wouldn’t it be nice to just go ahead and wear some

colorful patterns that are more exciting looking to my

current workplace?

I mean, less drab… Maybe this would encourage others to

‘cross over to the sunny side of the street.’ I definitely

feel the need to get out of my rut!

I read a book recently on relationships written by Sara

Eckel. It was called, “It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons

You’re Single,” (208 pages) If you are thinking about the

current dating scene, if you have someone you know who is,

or if you just are curious about the newer way things are

going out in a different facet of society…

Check this book out! It is a funny, interesting and

enlightening guidebook for the newly single people out

there, for ones who wonder,

“Why on Earth was it so easy back when I dated the last

time? And now, it is nearly impossible!”

The author approaches the subject in a very positive

manner, where she insists it is not you being anyone

that is repelling the opposite sex away. She thinks it

is just you haven’t met the right person yet!

I have paraphrased the following section, in my own

words, with my personal ‘slant’ added:

One of the myths that she ‘de-bunks’ is for example,

1. “You are too needy.”

No. that is not why you haven’t attracted someone to you.

Another one is,

2. “You are unrealistic.”

No, if is okay to have goals, choices and favorite attributes

(and values) in mind when you are seeking to find another

person to possibly spend the rest of your life with.

This one I have heard before,

3. “You are too picky.”

This was something someone said to me recently. That

comment really ‘got under my ‘craw,’ I will tell you!

I think that having been married three times, I should

know what works, what didn’t and hopefully, once and for

all, I should make plans and lists and actually, use them!

I need to understand what are the characteristics I am

looking for and then, not ‘sway’ too much from the

outline. Nice people don’t mean they are good matches.

Not just fall for the next guy who buys me dinner!

The author’s great question addresses why have we become

a society where we assign blame for being particular and

trying to make good choices?

Here are Sara Eckel’s own words on the subject:

“We’re a nation that believes strongly in personal efficacy–

if there’s something in your life that isn’t working quite

the way you’d like, then the problem must begin and end

with you.”

The myths include how we view ourselves through other’s

eyes, instead of relying on our own common sense.

Here are two more myths, to share with you.

4. “You’re too intimidating.”

5. “You should have married that guy.”

Don’t listen to the ones who tend to place the blame

on you. Make sure that you surround yourself with

supportive people who are cheering for you and wish

that you will find someone to be your partner or

close friend of the opposite sex. The important thing

to remember isn’t,

“Why are you still single?”

but “Why are near strangers so often compelled to

comment or demand answers.” I wish to add, sometimes

family members and your best friends may be part of

the naysayers. You need to develop a positive attitude

where you can deflect their comments and act like you

are doing ‘just fine’ without the negative opinions.

Hope this helps everyone in some aspect of their life.

I highly recommend this ‘no nonsense’ book and trying

out a new way of doing something. Hair style, clothing

style or the way you walk, with your confidence showing,

shoulders back and a broad smile to carry you and others

through their days.

Insult to Injury: Reasons not to date a much younger man

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Just to start out with a bit of information I found out recently,

that Dick Van Dyke has married at age 87, a woman who is a makeup

artist, of 42 years of age. Now, I ask you, what will they have in

common? Will he “catch her up” on the oldies but goodies that he

enjoyed? Will she “fill him in” on all the new technology and new

musical groups that he may have never listened to?

This all is so upsetting! I was match made by my youngest daughter

with a man who is 47 years old. I have been 58 since November. I

think we would have a lot in common. We are not that far apart and

as I was driving to meet him at the Polaris (Shopping area, north

of Columbus, Ohio) Panera Bread, I was given a pep talk by my

youngest daughter.

First of all, she led with the fact this man had been ‘stood up’

at the restaurant that she works at on High Street. (Cameron

Mitchell’s The Pearl Restaurant.) He was sitting at the bar,

looking at his watch or his cell phone and seemed rather tired

and cranky. His impatience had led him to ordering a few drinks

while waiting, ultimately ending up with wings and French fries.

Not the typical healthy fare that the restaurant is known for,

and my daughter, the hostess with the ‘most-est” (the spell

check would not accept the word without a hyphen, it wanted to

make it moistest! Smile!) Anyway, she wandered over, asked

the bartender/server for a hot tea, she was like me all

week, voice-less or nearly so.

She introduced herself and asked him who he was waiting for,

he openly declared himself, “stood up.” He also looked within

a short time at my photograph. This is how my family and friends

approach absolute strangers… He said I looked ‘too young’ to

have her as a daughter. She was asked to ‘guess my age’ and she

guessed the man as ’61.’ I have to grin now, as I type this, since

alas, she ‘forgot’ my age and said I was ’55.’ He said he was only

47 and yet, since I looked ‘younger than 55’ he would take a chance

and he gave her his phone number.

Sunday morning, I did not have to work. I did not try to ‘earn my

Tuesday off,’ and just took my already ‘free’ Wednesday off. I

texted him, “Would you like to buy this girl a coffee?” He texted

back, that he did not have any plans, was relaxing and reading the

Sunday newspaper. I texted him at ten a.m. after my daughter had

let me know his phone number on Sat. into Sun. early hours. I

figured I would wait until I was ready to go brave the cold,

also allowing him to sleep in, if he were that type of guy.

After ten minutes of texting back and forth, trying to decide

where a halfway point would be, we agreed to meet at 11:00 a.m.

I drove across town in Delaware to feed my friends’ kitties,

then hurried back to S.R. 23 southward bound. I was sipping on

my second cup of coffee, having eaten a light breakfast. I was

nervous!

When I entered Panera, he had been told I was wearing a red,

down coat and he said he would have a gray and red sweater

on. He had chosen a booth, arriving a minute earlier. I had

texted him from my friend, Jenny’s house, telling him that

it may be closer to 11:15 but it was only 11:02, so I made

good time.

We shook hands and then went up to the counter, I offered to

go ahead and purchase my coffee. He said he would pay for it.

I glanced at the pastries, my ‘downfall’ and passed. He went

ahead and ordered what appeared to be lunch. He said I could

order more, but I declined.

Once we sat down, I mentioned that my daughter had told me

he was a political consultant. I asked if he had a particular

client? He answered that he had been closely affiliated and

liked Ted Strickland. I mentioned that I had met John Glenn

and his wife a few times, along with Gene Branstool. He told

me both politicians were ‘fine men.’ I told him that Gene had

presented my battered women’s children funding grant to his

subcommittee. That he is like the ‘salt of the earth.’ Turns

out that Bill knew his son. That was cool, I thought, I like

to hear about connections between people. Also, told him why

I knew John Glenn.

Bill was very understated and not a bragging man, but he did

mention that one of the pictures of himself on match.com,

(where the woman who stood him up had ‘met him’) he was

wearing a tuxedo. He says he has to own one to go to the

Inaugurations and Inaugural Balls. I was fascinated by the

subject, but he did not pursue or reveal much more.

When I told him my real age, he backed off, pushed himself

away from the table, leaning back to study me. I began a

short summary of my relationships. I have a very shortened,

humorous summary which usually gets a few smiles. When I

said I had three children and one of my children had

married a woman with two children and then had two more,

which made the total go up to four. He muttered, not very

quietly (if you watch, “The Middle” think of the character

Brick who looks downward, but you can hear his comments0:

“Four too many!”

I looked a little stunned, he looked at me, no blinking and

said, “I don’t have children, am an uncle and do that well.”

I went on to say that both my brothers didn’t have children

but were very involved in my children’s lives and also, now,

with the grandchildren. I did not pause, but I am a little

aghast.

Later, I did get up the nerve to ask, “Do you date anyone

with children?”

Bill said, “Most of the women I date have children in the

range of 11 to 15 years old.”

At that point, again emphasizing our age difference I should

have left…

But, I am kind of stubborn! I said, “This past summer I dated

a 46 year old man for about 6-8 weeks and we didn’t part due

to my being a grandmother. I enjoyed our trip to Cleveland

and we watched the Indians play.”

He did not pursue the subject. He did say that he had tickets

for the Blue Jackets that night.

I mentioned that I used to love watching the BGSU hockey team

play and had taken in a few Blue Jackets’ games.

When he was looking at me again, he said, “I wonder if we have

met.”

I told him I have that “girl next door” look, that I have been

blessed with a few complimentary comparisons to Marlo Thomas

and Sally Fields.

He asked me, “Who is Marlo Thomas?”

I answered, “She was the star in a television show called, “That

Girl.”

He shook his head, ‘no.’

I said, “She is Danny Thomas’ daughter and has been carrying on

in his support for the St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital charity.”

He looked at me askance, like I was talking a foreign language!

I looked at him and my last two feeble identifying questions were:

“Do you know who Phil Donahue is? She has been married to him for

years!”

Head shaking ‘no’ again.

“I don’t suppose you have heard of ‘Free to Be Me’ a musical that

has several different freedom of choices in it. It was made for

children and there is a fairy tale where the princess wants to

choose her husband, instead of one that kisses her, or wins her

hand in marriage from the King.”

I smiled and said, “Oh well! My sister in law jokes around that

my brother was in junior high school when she was married and

having children.”

He did not smile back.

I told him I liked to blog, that filled up a lot of my thinking

processes while at my basic, manual labor job. He told me this,

I hope you get to this terrible comment, my dear fellow blogging

friends,

“Bloggers are twits and idiots.”

I looked at him, telling him that I write on wordpress.com.

He shrugged and did not retract the insults.

I said, “I have a byline that says, “Relationships reveal our Hearts.”

He did go into a few political areas of why he dislikes bloggers.

He added about the ones who ‘disagree’ with his politics, are

particularly ‘big mouthed’ and ‘not very informed before they

write just about anything.’

I did not try to tell him about the humor, essence of humanity,

creative forces that write posts or the friends I have made

through my blogging community.

I stood up and closed with my one of my final thoughts to get

us separating our paths,

“Well, you mentioned at least one good thing will come of having

to meet me at Polaris, you have a gift card from Brooks Brothers,

and you will find that across the street at the Mall.”

He said, “Nice to meet you,” and shook my hand.

As one of the first words I had said while asking him to meet me

for a cup of coffee settled into my mind and I walked towards my

car,

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

The latter part, unfortunately was true of my time and energy.

Juggling Acts

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I have had a few unspoken or unwritten recent dating experiences that

you may be interested in knowing a little bit about! Since Labor Day

weekend, knowing I was coming home to a coffee “date” I asked my

dear Mom what she thought would be a good word of advice. She

told me in no unflinching terms, “Robin, you need to be confident!

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, this time!”

Not one to turn down any offers of matchmaking or setting myself

up, I met a nice man who was a friend of a friend’s husband. He is

going to be called, “The New Mark.” Since his name is Mark and there

have been posts with the fisherman named Mark, this is a man who

is also, “The New and Improved Mark.” I mean it! He is interesting

because I have never dated a chemist before. He is also more serious,

but I have been telling my guy friends, (Bill and Gary) that I needed

a “Nerd!” or a “Brainiac!”

Seriously, I had such wonderful boyfriends and friends in high school

that were deep and thoughtful. I was very happy, but also, nervous

when I planned to arrive home from Mom’s, dash inside with my

baggage, shower, change and get to the closest coffee shop!

The assignation was chosen for its close proximity and walking

distance from my apartment building. This place has creative

juices flowing in its appearance and the seating with sofas, comfy

chairs in contrast to the utilitarian silver metal tables and chairs

along the wall is a uniquely contrasted locale with a wide variety

of clientele. I enjoyed playing cards one time on the metal table

with a male friend. I also, have tagged along, while my daughter

and also, my brother, with their laptops used the free wi-fi along

with imbiding in their homemade featured treats and drinking a

“cup of joe,” also.  It used to be known as “The Mean Bean” but it

is currently named, “Something Sweet.” It still has Scandanavian

blue glass light fixtures and unusual art displays of local artists.

They can be metal, paintings, chalk or photographs and remain to

decorate the walls for only a month, you may purchase or then,

if not bought, they are gone!

I recognized the man with the striped white button down collared

shirt right away as the new Mark. He appeared very calm and I felt

peaceful in his company. I tend to chatter at a fairly fast pace, have

mentioned that I acquired this habit, first as a young mother, then

through the years as a mother, babysitter, then teacher and now,

grandmother. I have found comfort in my best friends totally and

completely understanding this mode of conversation. I am glad

that once Bill said, pausing to study my face and giving me a

worried look, when I was actually quiet and listening! He asked,

“Are you okay? You seem ‘down’ today!”

I replied, “This is me, when I am being your good friend and

listening!” (We both burst into laughter over that exchange!)

Mark asked me about my Labor Day weekend, I gave him some

of what I summarized with my post back then. I did not know

how this would proceed so I did not put any of this on my post.

I think I have learned my lesson, my Lenny lesson, how excited

I had been for that six weeks period. Even blogging about my

personal thoughts!

Mark told me that he analyzes paint at PPG as a chemist, he

is also “on call” sometimes on weekends, in case of emergencies.

He talked about movies with me, he likes serious ones, also. I

told him about my Mom and how she ended up in the senior

living apartments. Also, about my 6 months on match.com. He

told me that he appreciated Lu and how her husband had come

up with the idea of meeting me. He was complimenting my attire

and I complimented him back. He has hair! He has nice brown

eyes and brown hair. He wears glasses. I confessed that I take my

contacts out after I am finished with my job and my blogging. I

would have to wear bi-focals if I didn’t have a wonderful eye doctor

who suggested soft contacts withmy strong eye wearing the far

sided one, the weaker (lazier) eye wearing the close up/ near

sighted one. I wear a pair of wire rims in my apartment and I have

those transitional glasses for walking in the summertime.

We talked about books, I am not a serious book reader, I like

mysteries, some romances, and historical fiction. I used to read

the Bible more, I have worn the cover off mine and have so many

pages that are written all over the edges.

I shared my politics and my open mindedness. I am sure this is

not a “first date’ regular subject. But he asked the questions and

I was free with my opinions. Best to be “myself” no sense in trying

to hide myself.

Been there, done that!

I told him I would like to be better at “going with the flow.” I have

that goal to be one that would become my “mantra” if possible.

I have been a lifelong worrier, some of you have read why. I won’t

go into it, didn’t then on the “date” that ended up turning into a

nice Monday night dinner at Opa’s where the gyros are made with

a combination of beef and lamb or you can have grilled chicken.

You are given two choices of potatoes, I like the ones that taste

like “fair fries.” I like the garlic sauce and the special cucumber

sauce. We each had iced teas, then switched to coffee. This Greek

restaurant is across the street from my apartment so we could look

out the window and I could tell him he could park there “next time.”

We walked out into a chilly night, the sky was cloudy but I tilted my

head up, I told him about my Dad’s life work. How he is up there

in the Heavens, rearranging stars. My youngest daughter and I

have looked out across Lake Erie where he loved to fish, seen the

shooting stars and were amazed that it happens quite often while

together. She is very close to his memory, she had no father, so

my brothers and her Grandpa Oldrieve are her male role models

and ones she loves the best.

The New and Improved Mark is a good man, he has two teens so

he will be busy every other weekend. We will talk on the phone

but I told him I am not a big “texter.” We have gotten together

one other time, since his busy weekend, I was not and then my

busy weekend, he was not busy! I had my son’s big camp out,

#32 birthday and his wife and his fifth anniversary party. I was

there before the thirty guests arrived but had fun for awhile

seeing the food, the kids running wild, then I took four of six

grandchildren home to my house.

Our last date was on a Sunday and I told him I liked having

Sunday “dinners” with someone special. I appreciated that

we went to Bun’s Restaurant. I told him the history and how

it burned down and the new owner being a different kind

of man than the German roots of old. He talked about his

family history, his ancestors and we had a nice conversation

while I ate a spinach salad with grilled chicken, the West

Winter Street salad. He had a salmon dinner, salad and baked

potato. As we left, I bought two frosted cookies and told him

the reason; it used to have a bakery and the homemade buns

are still here.

When I ate more recently with Gary, we talked about his most

disastrous date that he had in the past five or so months since

we had eaten together. He made it humorous, but it was very

much a disaster. I told him about looking at the 40th high school

reunion as being an impetus to find someone who would know

my past, my thinking period of my life, and maybe find the man

of my dreams. I told Gary I wanted a deep thinker and that I hoped

he would understand that I did not feel he was one. We are just

meant to be friends.

To emphasize my point,  I left him a text message that said:

“I am turning on PBS to watch “Masterpiece Theatre.”

Gary quickly responded back, “I am going home to watch Looney

Tunes cartoons!”

(Maybe I hurt his feelings but he is, after all, a sports editor,

and I have often told him I would attend one game of each type,

during each season, but am not a “die hard sports nut!”)

Meanwhile, I do have the “best of two worlds” due to a long term

friendship with Bill (who dates Heather) and Gary (who is still on

match.com looking for a woman to be his future partner. He has

two children who are in high school that take a lot of his time

and keep him company, too.)

Oh, and by the way, my oldest daughter has a man who looks

like Christopher Walken in mind, if this one “fails!”

My love life is a “Work in Progress!”

I wish for my good male friends, much luck!

And here’s to my new adventure in dating!

Wish me luck (again)!

Its Not Meant to Be

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An Analysis of Recent Dates

My world is spinning, things have spun out of control.

Here is a bit of advice and wisdom from someone who has

been around awhile, past fifty years.

Wearing a t-shirt to a possible picnic, okay.

Wearing a t-shrit with holes and too short so when arms

are raised, belly shows, not okay.

Bringing a gift to meet someone’s mother, appropriate

and shaving is always nice, too.

Not thinking at all of these polite gestures, seems ‘out of

touch’ and possibly lacking respect.

My Dad was a “diamond in the rough,” Mom shares on the

phone.

I prefer not to tell her the “nitty, gritty” details…

After a wonderful date, mentioning how “horny” one is,

when in your teens or twenties, okay.

When same thing happens at age forty-six, not okay.

Spending time driving home from a far off place, nice.

Driving home and saying three days are ‘just too much

time spent together’ and would ‘like to get a 12 pack’ to

help a guy move into your apt. building, to get a “buzz

on,” not nice.

Focusing on texting about my surface appearance, sounds

very sweet,

But not looking deeper, means that I am an “object.”

Daily texts exceeding 40-50 times, even while I am mentioning

I have other plans, (including relaxing), not so sweet.

Keeping in touch through phone calls and texts for confirming

plans and saying “hello,” “good morning,” and “have a good

time!” are wonderful and reassuring.

Keeping in touch, and when I don’t answer within an hour,

asking if I am “mad” or breaking up,” not normal reactions.

Dependence deserves time,

independence needs to be the “norm.”

Keeping the “ship afloat” by daily contact is a friendly habit.

Keeping “even keel” helps the boat keep moving forward

and staying “cool” is the best kind of temperament.

Constant contact prevents the fun and interesting “longing” and

“missing” each other.

Anticipation is such a sweet emotion!

I enjoyed the fun, attention and youthful energy shown for the past

month. Sometimes, though, there were some “warning signals” that

I tend to always ignore.

Steps to build and create a relationship takes lots of time and effort,

but not all at once. Establishing ground rules must be done in a way

that both parties are contributing their thoughts, values and their

preferences.

Nothing permanent for this man who really tries hard to please.

Someone out there will benefit from the shower of attention and

be happy with the possibilities.

We were faced with almost ‘polar opposite’ personalities and habits.

It would have taken too much work to make these two puzzle pieces

fit together.

There are women who don’t mind spending time and indulging their

younger men. Both sexes have those who tend to want to “mold” their

partners. There are the “cougars” who are famous for this. Then, there

are the men like Svengali and Henry Higgins (character), for example.

But, I have been the “acceptor” and the “fixer” so many times in the

past. These roles wear thin quickly at my age.

It was “fun while it lasted.” I had my hopes up but gradually, I saw the

concerns forming.

Nothing personal and I hope all who read this can find their way and

find their partner. I had parents who felt the other one was their

“better half” and “soul mate.” I wish all, out there, to have this, too.

 

Although good friends are great to have, my search continues…

 

Kim and Sunny from India

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I almost entitled this the post about a great and fun man named

Kim who sent off a request for a “Mail Order Bride from India!”

My ex-husband while in college, worked with a wonderful staff

of cooks, servers and a lively manager at a Frisch’s in Bowling

Green, Ohio.

My boyfriend at the time was very friendly and open minded to

all kinds of people and always inviting anyone who didn’t have

plans to join him with his floor mates for a Friday or Saturday

evening party. In fact that is how I met him, I was asked,

“Do you like to party?”

At the time I was innocent and unaware of the significance of

those particular words strung together. (For those not growing up

in the seventies, that meant: “Do you like to smoke pot?”)

So, on one Saturday evening that I was in the boys’ dorm, Rodger’s

Hall, doing my boyfriend’s and his roommate’s laundry, his head

stuck into the hot and airless room with a big smile on his face.

He said, “Are you almost done?”

I replied, “Things are in the dryer, so not too many minutes more!

How was work tonight?”

He answered, “Fun, as always, and guess what? Kim has his new

girlfriend from India! She will feel so much more comfortable when

you get done with the clothes and get up to the floor. Hurry up!”

He came in and leaned in for a kiss and added, “Thanks for doing this,

honey!”

When I got upstairs, lugging the clothes up the elevator and dragging

the basket down the hall. Until I ran into my high school friend, Jimmy,

who picked the basket up and easily got it back to the room. I chatted with

him about math homework as he was tutoring me. If he ever sees this, I

will admit he would have been the BEST boyfriend or future husband! He

was always a very good listener and friend.

Anyway, when I walked in I noticed right away the music was a low key

Pink Floyd song, (not the raucous noise of Alice Cooper or the Stones!)

and there on the one bed that was not made into a bunkbed sat a pretty

girl who stood out in her nice long skirt that resembled batik art work.

Kim, who really was a “party-er” (please check back what that means if

you have lost track of this point!) was sitting with his arm around the

girl and stood up to introduce the young lady as “Sunny.” The other

change in the atmosphere this evening was the lack of dense pot fog

that emanated usually out of all the rooms on the floor.

Side note and sad news:  Rodger’s Hall got taken down in 2012 on

BGSU campus.

I was very happy to meet her and had hopes of going places together.

I mentioned that we all should go up to Toledo or Maumee and have

dinner together soon.

We started talking and both Kim and my ex did not have to work the

next day. We all agreed to get together at around 1 p.m. to walk around

a mall and then eat afterwards on Sunday.

When we got up at noon the next day, I hurried back to my dorm (Kreisher

Quadrangle, my sophomore year would have been Ashley part and my

freshman year would have been Batchelder section.) I got my nicest long

skirt out which was in a paisley pattern with rust, dark blue and cream

lace at the bottom and I wore a nice lacy top with it.

When I got back to Rodger’s, the still awkward and unfamiliar couple was

waiting for the elevator up. I rode up with them chatting about some of the

sights that might have been of interest and asked Kim if Sunny had seen the

downtown yet. Kim mentioned Sam B’s and the Elder Beerman’s store that

they had shopped for a few items of clothing for Sunny. He also spoke for

her about the living arrangements. Sunny was staying at his aunt’s house

that was in Bowling Green in a trailer park. She was the designated woman

who would be their chaperone at nights, supposedly. Of course, his aunt was

not there the previous night but I could vouch for the time they were there,

“No hanky panky was carried out in my presence!”

While we drove up north to the mall, the men rode in the front seat and we

sat in the back. I asked Sunny how long she had been there, what she thought

of Ohio and if she had been anywhere else in the United States yet?

Sunny was very soft spoken and answered in halting English. She understood

me well and yet, was a little unfamiliar with the language so it was not flowing

out of her mouth yet. Occasionally I noticed that gregarious Kim was answering

for her.

When we got out of the car, the men took off walking briskly and I almost wanted

to shout, “Slow down!”

But that would not look too smooth nor did I want to appear too bossy.

Once the men got to the doors of the mall, they did slow down and held the door open

for us to enter. Inside, again the men walked in front of us. I was kind of used to this

when out with other couples, our friends, Rich and Laurie C. were always separating

into the men and women. I liked to walk slower to window shop.

I asked Sunny if she had anything she was looking for. Maybe an item she had still not

found in the local B.G. shops?

She could not think of anything. When I passed a “Sale” sign in a popular clothing store

for younger people, I raised my voice and called out to tell my ex, that I was going into the

shop to look for a pair of jeans. I have to also mention to younger readers, in my high school

days we (girls) were not allowed to wear pants except on Fridays for pep rallies. Once I got

to B.G. the two purchases I made on the first weekend after my parents left me there, were

a two piece bathing suit (my Mom forbade me to wear anything but a ‘baby doll’ suit or a

one piece) and a pair of jeans! I was still working on adding jeans to my wardrobe at this

point in time.

Sunny told me nicely, after I shared this information about my past and current wardrobe

changes, that she did not own a pair of any type of pants! Not even dress pants! Nor did she

have a bathing suit or a pair of shorts or ‘pedal pushers.’ (A lot like capris now look.)

I was not too shocked since I was not too far “ahead” of her in my fashion awareness but I

insisted that she had to come into the dressing room with a pair of jeans, a bathing suit and

a pair of pedal pushers. She was easily persuaded and agreeable to see how she looked in each

choice. I had grabbed a cute red bandana top for her and a white dotted swiss backless top for

myself. We stepped outside to “model” them for the men who we had heard out in the area. Kim

did not smile at me nor did he look directly at Sunny.

I almost asked him, “What’s up with you, Kim?” He was very well known as the biggest FLIRT

in the whole men’s dormitory! And yes, he would look the girls up and down!

I kept my mouth shut. So far…

My ex always had extra money from his parents and from his working as the cook at Frisch’s so he

offered to buy the jeans and the white top for me.

Kim did not offer nor make any comments and as we walked into the dressing room, I noticed Sunny

had a less than sunny disposition. She had her head down and was disappointed. I caught her sad

look and felt bad for her. She had such a beautiful countenance when she would break into a smile!

 

Just in case you wondered what brought this memory  to mind so long after this occurred? I have a

few reasons, it is Spring and my memory went back to that time recently. Also, my daughter still has

the gorgeous cream, orange, turquoise and gold thread embroidered sari that Sunny gave me that

summer. She showed me how to wrap it. My artistic, oldest daughter loved wearing it for a special

school project where she read a book on India and wore the sari.

As a follow up on this story, Kim did marry Sunny.

Sunny became more assertive and I like to think my tutoring her on American habits and acceptance

of our “women’s liberation” movement helped. Kim was fairly patient with my gradually adapting her

to the culture. We even got to go to the mall three years later, two married couples walking together.

No longer were we 10 or more paces behind the men!

Late Sunday call from Ray

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The call came rather late on Sunday so I had all kinds

of time to think about Ray. I wondered how his nephew’s

birthday party went along with his job as a sheriff. I imagine

that there will be lots of stories to tell, the names withheld to

“protect the innocent.” (Do you remember that line? If so,

what old 60’s black and white show am I quoting from?)

Anyway, we started our conversation with the common phone

pleasantries. “How are you, how has your past 2 weeks been?”

Also, “I still think about how nice it was to eat together at the

Cheesecake Factory and Bon Vie. Both times it was nice relaxing

and walking after our meals together. Thank you!”

We then somehow were talking about March and I mentioned I

had decorated my apt. door with St. Patrick’s day decorations

and I would have to quickly change midway through the month

to Easter. Ray surprised me by calling St. Patrick’s day a “pagan

holiday.” I then said that I had dated a man named Bill who felt

that the word “holiday” consisted of two words “holy” and “day.”

Did he mean it was not a holy day?

Ray said, “No actually if he is Jehovah’s Witness, then Easter would

be also not considered a holiday.”  He went on to explain that his

church is pentecostal and does celebrate Easter and Christmas. But it

does not celebrate the “Catholic holidays” like St. Valentine’s Day and

St. Patrick’s Day nor does it celebrate or even think that Lent exists.

I was a little worried. Trying not to say too much since we were clearly

on two different faith levels. (I am going to risk saying this, but my beliefs

are inclusive and his seemed exclusive.)

I try to stay away from any kind of religious or political discussions on this

blog. I have been known to spout my preferences on other’s blogs which

are discussing controversial subjects and anticipating debate.

Ray got quiet, too. I then told him that my mother was back to following

my grandma’s faith which had been German Catholic. I also told him

that she had been a Methodist while in college. My Dad had been an

Episcopalian, we three kids had gone with both parents who joined that

Episcopalian church in Huron where my parents got involved in their

trip to Washington D.C. They had marched with Reverend Brownlee for

Civil Rights.

I had raised my children in the Presbyterian church in Lancaster, also

taken them to the Presbyterian church here in Delaware. My children

asked to go to youth group at the Asbury Methodist Church in middle

school so we all decided to go there for about 4 years. Later, my ex-

husband, youngest daughter and I rejoined First Presby.

This was all met with more silence. I was hoping sometime soon, I would

shut my mouth!

I came back with, “What is the name of the church that you and your mother

attend?”

Ray said, it is pentecostal and it is probably not a name you would know.

I asked, “Do decorations for holidays bother him?”

He answered, “Sort of.”

I told him as a teacher and mother plus a child care provider in my home, I

had still 4 seasons of tubs here in my apartment. That I had literally 12 tubs

at my old house, in the basement and had to “downsize!”

I asked if passing Valentine’s day cards out bother him? He said that his family

did not celebrate “pagan” holidays.

I asked how his weekend looked, I had some openings that I could meet him

somewhere midpoint…

Ray said, “This is clearly not working out. It was a mistake that your friends

did not investigate my preferences in women better.”

I said, “Oh, I am sorry about that and also, I hope you did not feel it was a

total waste of time. We did have fun part of the time, didn’t we?”

Ray closed with an abrupt, “Gotta go. Take care and God bless you.”

I definitely need some prayers but not sure if his God would even listen

to them! I am clearly a “sinner” in his belief system.

Let’s say, “Back to the drawing board, AGAIN!”

P.S. I did give a call to my couple who played matchmaker. All is fine with

us, at least! They were as surprised as I was to hear of his faith that was

probably a wonderful and caring choice but I am so different. I even celebrated

Hannukkah and Kwanzaa in my classrooms in the past.