Category Archives: online dating

Going for Brighter Colors & Changes

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I complimented the librarian in the computer area today.

She has a habit of wearing blacks, browns and grays.

There have been occasionally some varying tones in her

clothing choices, with an addition of little bits of color.

Having talked to her often, observed her grading high

school papers, and knowing she is a volunteer after

teaching all day, I was thrilled to see more color in

her attire today.

The woman looked up from her work, giving me a brilliant

smile. She informed me that her husband had encouraged her

to ‘change up’ her color palette in her wardrobe. She added

this personal detail- she was working on waiting to lose a

certain amount of weight, before buying her new sized,

Spring and Summer clothes.

I mentioned to her that was an excellent reward system

she had going on! I gently suggested to just buy a few

scarves or tops, showing that she had listened to her

husband. Just in case she thought I was being too ‘pushy,’

or opinionated, I added, “It is always nice to have their

‘permission to spend money on ourselves.'”

Then, it was an even more intimate moment we shared. We

both smiled like we had shared an ‘inside joke’ or secret.

I took my seat and then, decided to let all of you out

there, men, women and young people who may be following

my blog in on the secret! Try out a different style,

new color or add patterns to your clothes…

Spice up your wardrobe!

It is fun to pass on a good idea and since some live

on a simpler, tighter budget, like myself, go on over

to your local resale shop or thrift store to rejuvenate

your ‘look!’

As a way to create conversation, my brother, Randy the

artist painted on a white linen jacket, billowing aqua,

turquoise and creamy-colored clouds for an art gallery

opening, held in California. He is one who looks quite

dapper, although his FB page is not so great, he has lost

weight and cut his hair, so he also needs to ‘change up!’

When I thought about my last years of teaching, I had

a rainbow of colors every day reflected in my clothing.

My other brother, the professor, loves it when I buy

him ‘cool’ ties. He likes school related theme ties,

along with ones that just have music, art or jazz

up his ‘look.’ Trying something new is good for all

of us, both sexes, wherever we work or go out and

about in society. It may just create a little magic

for you and your special person, or attract someone

who has not noticed you before.

At my current job, I tend to wear those dismal colors

of black, gray, brown and an occasional dark blue. This

had been my mode of operandi to prevent damage and stains

that are impossible to get out of my work clothes. It is a

dirty place; lots of times I look like ‘Pigpen’ from the

Charles Schulz comic strip, “Peanuts!”

Wouldn’t it be nice to just go ahead and wear some

colorful patterns that are more exciting looking to my

current workplace?

I mean, less drab… Maybe this would encourage others to

‘cross over to the sunny side of the street.’ I definitely

feel the need to get out of my rut!

I read a book recently on relationships written by Sara

Eckel. It was called, “It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons

You’re Single,” (208 pages) If you are thinking about the

current dating scene, if you have someone you know who is,

or if you just are curious about the newer way things are

going out in a different facet of society…

Check this book out! It is a funny, interesting and

enlightening guidebook for the newly single people out

there, for ones who wonder,

“Why on Earth was it so easy back when I dated the last

time? And now, it is nearly impossible!”

The author approaches the subject in a very positive

manner, where she insists it is not you being anyone

that is repelling the opposite sex away. She thinks it

is just you haven’t met the right person yet!

I have paraphrased the following section, in my own

words, with my personal ‘slant’ added:

One of the myths that she ‘de-bunks’ is for example,

1. “You are too needy.”

No. that is not why you haven’t attracted someone to you.

Another one is,

2. “You are unrealistic.”

No, if is okay to have goals, choices and favorite attributes

(and values) in mind when you are seeking to find another

person to possibly spend the rest of your life with.

This one I have heard before,

3. “You are too picky.”

This was something someone said to me recently. That

comment really ‘got under my ‘craw,’ I will tell you!

I think that having been married three times, I should

know what works, what didn’t and hopefully, once and for

all, I should make plans and lists and actually, use them!

I need to understand what are the characteristics I am

looking for and then, not ‘sway’ too much from the

outline. Nice people don’t mean they are good matches.

Not just fall for the next guy who buys me dinner!

The author’s great question addresses why have we become

a society where we assign blame for being particular and

trying to make good choices?

Here are Sara Eckel’s own words on the subject:

“We’re a nation that believes strongly in personal efficacy–

if there’s something in your life that isn’t working quite

the way you’d like, then the problem must begin and end

with you.”

The myths include how we view ourselves through other’s

eyes, instead of relying on our own common sense.

Here are two more myths, to share with you.

4. “You’re too intimidating.”

5. “You should have married that guy.”

Don’t listen to the ones who tend to place the blame

on you. Make sure that you surround yourself with

supportive people who are cheering for you and wish

that you will find someone to be your partner or

close friend of the opposite sex. The important thing

to remember isn’t,

“Why are you still single?”

but “Why are near strangers so often compelled to

comment or demand answers.” I wish to add, sometimes

family members and your best friends may be part of

the naysayers. You need to develop a positive attitude

where you can deflect their comments and act like you

are doing ‘just fine’ without the negative opinions.

Hope this helps everyone in some aspect of their life.

I highly recommend this ‘no nonsense’ book and trying

out a new way of doing something. Hair style, clothing

style or the way you walk, with your confidence showing,

shoulders back and a broad smile to carry you and others

through their days.

Insult to Injury: Reasons not to date a much younger man

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Just to start out with a bit of information I found out recently,

that Dick Van Dyke has married at age 87, a woman who is a makeup

artist, of 42 years of age. Now, I ask you, what will they have in

common? Will he “catch her up” on the oldies but goodies that he

enjoyed? Will she “fill him in” on all the new technology and new

musical groups that he may have never listened to?

This all is so upsetting! I was match made by my youngest daughter

with a man who is 47 years old. I have been 58 since November. I

think we would have a lot in common. We are not that far apart and

as I was driving to meet him at the Polaris (Shopping area, north

of Columbus, Ohio) Panera Bread, I was given a pep talk by my

youngest daughter.

First of all, she led with the fact this man had been ‘stood up’

at the restaurant that she works at on High Street. (Cameron

Mitchell’s The Pearl Restaurant.) He was sitting at the bar,

looking at his watch or his cell phone and seemed rather tired

and cranky. His impatience had led him to ordering a few drinks

while waiting, ultimately ending up with wings and French fries.

Not the typical healthy fare that the restaurant is known for,

and my daughter, the hostess with the ‘most-est” (the spell

check would not accept the word without a hyphen, it wanted to

make it moistest! Smile!) Anyway, she wandered over, asked

the bartender/server for a hot tea, she was like me all

week, voice-less or nearly so.

She introduced herself and asked him who he was waiting for,

he openly declared himself, “stood up.” He also looked within

a short time at my photograph. This is how my family and friends

approach absolute strangers… He said I looked ‘too young’ to

have her as a daughter. She was asked to ‘guess my age’ and she

guessed the man as ’61.’ I have to grin now, as I type this, since

alas, she ‘forgot’ my age and said I was ’55.’ He said he was only

47 and yet, since I looked ‘younger than 55’ he would take a chance

and he gave her his phone number.

Sunday morning, I did not have to work. I did not try to ‘earn my

Tuesday off,’ and just took my already ‘free’ Wednesday off. I

texted him, “Would you like to buy this girl a coffee?” He texted

back, that he did not have any plans, was relaxing and reading the

Sunday newspaper. I texted him at ten a.m. after my daughter had

let me know his phone number on Sat. into Sun. early hours. I

figured I would wait until I was ready to go brave the cold,

also allowing him to sleep in, if he were that type of guy.

After ten minutes of texting back and forth, trying to decide

where a halfway point would be, we agreed to meet at 11:00 a.m.

I drove across town in Delaware to feed my friends’ kitties,

then hurried back to S.R. 23 southward bound. I was sipping on

my second cup of coffee, having eaten a light breakfast. I was

nervous!

When I entered Panera, he had been told I was wearing a red,

down coat and he said he would have a gray and red sweater

on. He had chosen a booth, arriving a minute earlier. I had

texted him from my friend, Jenny’s house, telling him that

it may be closer to 11:15 but it was only 11:02, so I made

good time.

We shook hands and then went up to the counter, I offered to

go ahead and purchase my coffee. He said he would pay for it.

I glanced at the pastries, my ‘downfall’ and passed. He went

ahead and ordered what appeared to be lunch. He said I could

order more, but I declined.

Once we sat down, I mentioned that my daughter had told me

he was a political consultant. I asked if he had a particular

client? He answered that he had been closely affiliated and

liked Ted Strickland. I mentioned that I had met John Glenn

and his wife a few times, along with Gene Branstool. He told

me both politicians were ‘fine men.’ I told him that Gene had

presented my battered women’s children funding grant to his

subcommittee. That he is like the ‘salt of the earth.’ Turns

out that Bill knew his son. That was cool, I thought, I like

to hear about connections between people. Also, told him why

I knew John Glenn.

Bill was very understated and not a bragging man, but he did

mention that one of the pictures of himself on match.com,

(where the woman who stood him up had ‘met him’) he was

wearing a tuxedo. He says he has to own one to go to the

Inaugurations and Inaugural Balls. I was fascinated by the

subject, but he did not pursue or reveal much more.

When I told him my real age, he backed off, pushed himself

away from the table, leaning back to study me. I began a

short summary of my relationships. I have a very shortened,

humorous summary which usually gets a few smiles. When I

said I had three children and one of my children had

married a woman with two children and then had two more,

which made the total go up to four. He muttered, not very

quietly (if you watch, “The Middle” think of the character

Brick who looks downward, but you can hear his comments0:

“Four too many!”

I looked a little stunned, he looked at me, no blinking and

said, “I don’t have children, am an uncle and do that well.”

I went on to say that both my brothers didn’t have children

but were very involved in my children’s lives and also, now,

with the grandchildren. I did not pause, but I am a little

aghast.

Later, I did get up the nerve to ask, “Do you date anyone

with children?”

Bill said, “Most of the women I date have children in the

range of 11 to 15 years old.”

At that point, again emphasizing our age difference I should

have left…

But, I am kind of stubborn! I said, “This past summer I dated

a 46 year old man for about 6-8 weeks and we didn’t part due

to my being a grandmother. I enjoyed our trip to Cleveland

and we watched the Indians play.”

He did not pursue the subject. He did say that he had tickets

for the Blue Jackets that night.

I mentioned that I used to love watching the BGSU hockey team

play and had taken in a few Blue Jackets’ games.

When he was looking at me again, he said, “I wonder if we have

met.”

I told him I have that “girl next door” look, that I have been

blessed with a few complimentary comparisons to Marlo Thomas

and Sally Fields.

He asked me, “Who is Marlo Thomas?”

I answered, “She was the star in a television show called, “That

Girl.”

He shook his head, ‘no.’

I said, “She is Danny Thomas’ daughter and has been carrying on

in his support for the St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital charity.”

He looked at me askance, like I was talking a foreign language!

I looked at him and my last two feeble identifying questions were:

“Do you know who Phil Donahue is? She has been married to him for

years!”

Head shaking ‘no’ again.

“I don’t suppose you have heard of ‘Free to Be Me’ a musical that

has several different freedom of choices in it. It was made for

children and there is a fairy tale where the princess wants to

choose her husband, instead of one that kisses her, or wins her

hand in marriage from the King.”

I smiled and said, “Oh well! My sister in law jokes around that

my brother was in junior high school when she was married and

having children.”

He did not smile back.

I told him I liked to blog, that filled up a lot of my thinking

processes while at my basic, manual labor job. He told me this,

I hope you get to this terrible comment, my dear fellow blogging

friends,

“Bloggers are twits and idiots.”

I looked at him, telling him that I write on wordpress.com.

He shrugged and did not retract the insults.

I said, “I have a byline that says, “Relationships reveal our Hearts.”

He did go into a few political areas of why he dislikes bloggers.

He added about the ones who ‘disagree’ with his politics, are

particularly ‘big mouthed’ and ‘not very informed before they

write just about anything.’

I did not try to tell him about the humor, essence of humanity,

creative forces that write posts or the friends I have made

through my blogging community.

I stood up and closed with my one of my final thoughts to get

us separating our paths,

“Well, you mentioned at least one good thing will come of having

to meet me at Polaris, you have a gift card from Brooks Brothers,

and you will find that across the street at the Mall.”

He said, “Nice to meet you,” and shook my hand.

As one of the first words I had said while asking him to meet me

for a cup of coffee settled into my mind and I walked towards my

car,

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

The latter part, unfortunately was true of my time and energy.

She Put a Price Tag on Their Love

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Some stories break my heart, I am so sensitive. I have a male friend who shared

his painful childhood and I wrote about it. But this new story he was embarrassed

to share with me. No names, but the story is one that will make you think twice

about “kept women.” This is one about a kept man, who has been waiting a long time

to escape the “chains that bind him.”

It started about six years ago that my friend met a woman who seemed to really be

interested in him. She became his “tutor” in all aspects of his life. She shaped and

molded him in his appearance. She instructed him on the “proper clothes, shoes,

watch and hair style.” This attention managed to make him feel important. He wanted

to please her in all of the ways that a loving relationship would include.

He learned to cook her native foods since she was Asian. He started to learn how to

use a French Press to make his coffee. He learned first how to grind his coffee, put it in

the clean, washed press and add “Pur” water to it that had been boiled in a percolator.

When I visited him one day, I saw him scurry around the kitchen like a squirrel, he

was trying to also please me, his new friend. I worried about this obsession for it made

him nervous. He says he is “ADHD” and he would be this way, with or without this

influential woman.

He learned he needed to take care of himself more frequently so he bathed twice a day,

used an electric toothbrush and got his nails manicured. There would be more of these

requests as time went on. He was from a simple family with numerous siblings and a

single mother. He had learned how to make a bed, “military style” while in the Army.

He now was learning how to follow orders and make someone happy, sometimes he felt

“complete joy” in her company. He felt special, loved and “chosen.”

When he was asked to attend the opera or symphony, the woman purchased the tickets.

Together they went to the best stores where she chose his clothes, his black leather dress

shoes, and his woolen pea coat. He enjoyed the “Nutcracker Suite” performed in Columbus

and he also remembers the Italian opera but not the name of it. He was making average

wages but did some odd handyman jobs to earn more money. His goal was to try and be in

a committed relationship for the rest of his life with this woman.

Four and a half years went by, he in his simple life at his apartment. Going to her house for

daily dinners and television time with the woman. They would go out only once or twice a

year, never to a restaurant because she considered them “dirty” and “expensive.” The man

felt ready to propose. Surely this is what she would enjoy and revel in their love becoming

permanent.

He planned a nice meal, all of her favorite foods. Earlier in the week, he had bought a ring

with credit payments for the next four years so that it would be adequate. He had listened

carefully to the jeweler and asked for advice on size, clarity and so forth. He really hoped and

felt he had chosen the most beautiful ring in the world for her!

The woman enjoyed her homecooked meal and she liked watching her boyfriend wash the

dishes. She sat and chatted about her daughter and also, about a mutual couple that she

had introduced him to, who hired him as their painter and “jack of all trades.” She was very

quiet when he walked over to her and got on bended knee. She must have known, because

even he saw a flash of panic come across her face.

She saw the ring and was close to tears, her answer as plain as day shown in her eyes.

“No, I could NEVER marry you!”

Those words slapped the man across the face and he then collapsed, tears in his eyes.

She said that she had worried he had gotten the “wrong idea” but had hoped he knew

it would be impossible to marry. She lived in a “$500,000 townhouse that she owned.”

He lived in an apartment that she only visited once, over the years, and he paid “$900

a month’s rent.”

She ended it that night. They would remain close friends but he must get on a dating

site to find another woman and start a new life.

He felt very depressed for a month. Then, he reluctantly got online. He met a friend of

mine and they hung out. I met him also but did not think he was my type. The story of

his childhood made me think differently about his being outgoing and kind of a ‘smart ass’

guy. That did not mean I would like him or that my friend thought him ‘dating material.’

The recent revelation is that a year and a half after the proposal, this man was called to

the woman’s house. She answered the door, with a robe and request. Would he come back

and be her boyfriend, exactly as before? No public places except once or twice a year where

the symphony or a theatre production would be their indulgence.

When he said, “No, I cannot come back as I was, I want a full commitment or nothing” she

went into her expensive and perfectly decorated condo and came out with a typed bill! This

bill listed the four and a half years’ worth of expenditures that she had spent to keep him

attired, coiffed, and fed in the best style possible.

I will not hesitate to tell you the given figure:  $19,000 was the total!

This man came to my friend, desperate, wondering did he need a lawyer? Does he have to

pay for the lifestyle that SHE kicked him out of?

This story may astound you but this is totally true. The man is working off his debt slowly

but surely. He would not listen to us! We told him, “Those were GIFTS! You gave her Love!”

Twisted ending to a NEVER to be happily ever after story.

Love is the Air!

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There is love in the air recently with the warm breath of Spring coaxing it along!

There are two stories to prove it is happening close to us around here!

Scott C. (worker at Advance Auto) who recently went through a divorce, had

some good news. I had written a story about him mentioning his young age

of 30 years old and being a childhood friend of my middle child, and only

son. Scott had been online talking to a woman who is a teacher. Scott came

up to me at work to tell me first he had been chatting for almost a month.

Recently, Scott and his online acquaintance had been Skypeing. When he

heard she was going to Pennsylvania for Easter he felt an impulse to act!

He looked up her hotel online and started to think, “Hey, my kids are with

their mother for the holiday and my parents are going out of state to visit my

brother and sister in law… Maybe, I could meet her for the first time and

surprise her in PA!”

Well, if that isn’t a sweet thought, I don’t know what is! I realized to go over

7 hours driving one way would be a truly romantic gesture that only a young

and impulsive man might do! (Would a middle aged man do that for me?

Hmmm…. I wish!) Scott also made a hotel reservation at the same hotel for

himself where she would be staying at with her two Kentucky friends. The

three women would be traveling together since her friends had been invited

to her parents’ house.

This surprising her could have gone either of two ways! He could impress her

and make her very happy or he could embarrass himself ! (OR it could go over like

a lead balloon!) I was so happy to hear the end of the story and the pleasant results

that everything went smoothly. She said she already had a “big crush” on him and

now, she was beginning to “fall in LOVE” with him! He got to meet her family and

he said they really liked him also. Her friends that were staying at the hotel due to

her parents’ smaller home and tight quarters, also liked him. Scott did not expect to

be invited to the dinner, just had hoped to be able to go out with the three women on

their first night there (Good Friday).

Scott C. is a good catch and he stumbled upon her in an online chat room for

singles. Just a word of encouragement for those looking and using these places.

Another happy start to his new life as a single man, is a story involving a nice

man named Chad A. He is also a coworker of mine. I have become over time his

second mother. He is probably vaguely referred to in my posts that include my

breakroom and lunch table mates. Jill, Anna, Peggy and David are some of the

rest of the fellow group members.

Chad had married three years ago after meeting a woman named Pat at a friend’s

party. He had taken his bride to the hospital to see his mother who was not doing

so well with chemo treatments for her cancer. He had felt closer to Pat in a short

time than any other relationship from his post high school days. He now looks back

and can see the signs of future trouble but did not pay attention at the time. He feels

being distraught over his mother’s ongoing cancer and rapid health deterioration

made him make a rash decision to get married while she was alive. He and Pat made

uncomplicated arrangements with a short amount of time with help from Pat’s parents

and some financial help from his father. We, at work, were happy for Chad to have Pat

to support him through a lot of his mother’s ailment.

Chad asked his mother if she was really sure she wanted his bride and he to go on their

honeymoon after the wedding? His Mom said, like the amazing mother she was,

“It is my only source of joy, Chad!” These words created a powerful effect on all of us

while listening to his plans three years ago.

They had had their family’s pastor marry them in the hospital chapel.

The two families had their small reception with finger sandwiches and cake served in

a conference or gathering room. Chad’s mother was tired but able to attend.

Chad and Pat hugged her frail, upright body in the wheelchair and said they loved her.

She replied, “I love you both. Now go and celebrate your marriage!”

While Chad and his bride were on their Caribbean cruise, his mother died. Unusually

so, his father and brother did not call him. This took courage and a lot of love on his

small family’s decision to wait until the newlyweds came home. They met the couple

at the airport and then, still waited to take them out to a quiet restaurant. That is where

they told Chad and Pat that his mother had passed away. His father emphasized,

“This is what your mother wanted for you, Chad! To be happy, to be married and to not

know if she died until the honeymoon was over.”

Fast forward  to only one year ago, Chad was struggling immensely with the burden of a

virtually psychotic wife. He was at his wit’s end and had asked for his Dad, his father- and

mother- in- law along with his brother to join him at his small house out in Kilbourne.

Chad had these people wait on the porch until all were gathered, he served them iced tea

and cookies.

Chad said he started to weep but would not tell them what was wrong. He had them enter

the house together. This was during Spring, 2012 and it was already hot and we had started

working our ten hour days. He was worn out in more than one way.

What the families saw shocked them! Chad’s wife had allowed clutter to pile to the ceiling

in their short two year marriage. She did not work at all, so Chad had decided to be the

‘chief cook and bottle washer.’ Chad had tried to decide what responsibilities to carry out

and what he had decided would be a fair amount for Pat to do while she stayed at home

not working at all. Finally, with some periodic conversations with us at work about

where he  should draw the lines. He had decided not to touch or handle all of Pat’s clothes

and magazines that she seemed to accumulate daily into big messes. He enjoyed taking the

dog outside. He also drove Pat to the psychiatrist for her weekly visits.

On this Spring day, he had asked this close knit family group here that day to see for

themselves what he had been living with for the past two years.

He wanted to ask for forgiveness, he did not want to carry on any longer the charade he had

kept hidden.

We had counseled him at our work between the five of us, three older divorced women

and Anna, the widow, plus occasionally a man named Melvyn. We all had helped him to

decide to take Pat to a counselor.

This action had not been easy for Chad to almost force Pat to leave the house to go to the

mental health center. We had suggested him to seek Christian counseling for their marriage

from their pastor. Chad had felt guilty and done a lot of worrying about his not having a “good

reason for seeking a divorce.” We had compassion and also, most importantly, we felt as his

‘surrogate mothers,’he needed permission to give up the sinking ship!

None of the family had gone to their house since they had been married. Mostly, Chad had

chosen to always go to Pat’s or his Dad’s house. Only a few times had they been able to afford

to go out to eat or meet at a restaurant.

The intervention lasted an hour with Pat sitting on the sofa listening. Chad continued to show

remorse and cried throughout. When his Dad said, “Whatever my son wants to do, I am 100%

behind him!” Chad was shocked because in his few times he would complain about Pat to his

Dad, his father had always said, “You need to try harder.”

His brother and his mother in law were in sympathy for Pat. His father in law, in contrast,

almost yelled at his daughter,

“What is the matter with you? You never were allowed to make such a mess under our roof!”

Chad gave them a final tour of the house. None of Chad’s clothes were in piles, he walked

them to his closet where even his work t-shirts were on hangers. He had no mess on his

half of the bedroom and the kitchen was very clean. The area where Pat sat and watched

television all day was cluttered and dirty with dishes, food wrappers and magazines.

Chad explained he gave her $40 for groceries and she almost always would buy junk food

and only a few good choices. He had gotten in the habit of stopping by a Subway to get his

lunch food, sandwiches or soup and a salad. We had noticed some of this and heard of most

of it over the years.

Anyway, the love found on the internet last Fall, 2012 after the divorce was “just a friendship.”

Chad had found a woman who listened to all his recent troubles. This remarkable woman who

was 26 years (Chad is 31 years old) was willing to be his friend. They went to parks and engaged

healthy, outdoor activities together. She had drawn a line with any kind of romance. She really

wanted him to be soundly single and not make her the “rebound relationship.” Chad is a trusting

man so we worried when he started this so soon after the summer’s divorce. But we did encourage

him to relax and have some fun!

Last Friday, while walking around Delaware, Anna and I ran into Chad and Miranda! We were

so pleased, they approached us holding hands and looking all “moony” at each other. We waved

from a distance and Chad said something to her and then waved back. We crossed the street where

the laser tag and different games were going on, surprised we even spotted him through the crowd.

They are both tall and Miranda has strawberry blonde layered hair. They looked perfect together!

We are so glad that  we had helped him to move on in his life. It was an enormous decision to

make:

By giving up a marriage that was weighing him down, mainly holding on because his mother

had given her blessing. The last thing she had emphasized had been to say their marriage was

her reason she would hold onto life. We have to hope she sees Chad is happy and would want this

to be the way it ends up.

Being the angel Chad’s mother was, she may have changed her blessing to “Be happy!”