Category Archives: Puns

Wisdom Through the Ages

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Sometimes philosophy can be found on posters, bumper stickers,

t-shirts and other forms of public media. I found these precious

and funny bits of wisdom tucked into a circulated email. If you have

already received this set of “Great Truths” before, please don’t give

up on my writing original material very soon. . .

 

“Great Truths Little Children Have Learned:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3. If you sister or brother hits you, don’t hit your sibling back. They

always catch the second person. (“She did it first” doesn’t work in

school either.)

4. Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato or a wriggly

kitten.

5. You cannot trust dogs to watch your food. Even if they are guard

dogs.

6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7. Never hold a Dust Buster and a pet or a bowl of cereal at the same

time.

8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Cutting brussel

sprouts into tiny bits doesn’t make it appear invisible either.

9. Don’t wear patterned underwear (polka dots) under white shorts or

slacks.

10. The best place to be when you are sad is Mommy, Daddy, Grandma

or Grandpa’s lap.”

 

“Great Truths Adults Have Learned:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.

3. Families are like fudge. . . mostly sweet but a little nutty.

4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for its fiber content

rather than the sweet flavor, coupon or toy inside.”

(Did you notice the list is getting smaller, as we age?)

 

“Great Truths About Growing Old:

1. Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.

2. Forget the health food. We need all the preservatives we can get.

3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you

are already down here.

4. You are getting old, when you get the same sensation from a

rocking chair or a porch swing that you once got on a merry go

round or a roller coaster.

 

Hope you also enjoy the following word plays and don’t mind

if they are a little “Pun- ny.”

 

1. “The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he or she can

tell when he is really in trouble.”

 

2. “Birds of a feather flock together. . .

and then use your car as target practice.”

 

3. “The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,

because by then your body and your fat have gotten

to be really good friend.”

 

4. “The easiest way to find something lost around the

house, is to purchase its replacement.”

 

5. “He who hesitates is probably right.”

 

6. For those over 40 years old, did you ever notice the

Roman Numerals for forty are:  “XL?”

 

7. Did you ever notice when you put the two words

“THE” and “IRS” together they spell, “THEIRS?”

 

8. Going along with this thought:

“A penny saved is a Government oversight.”

 

Now, to close with two “Maxine” comic strip comments:

9. “I can rise and shine,

but not at the same time.”

 

10. “Ever feel like you’ve had too much coffee?

Me neither.”

 

Happy Valentine’s Day funnies from “Maxine”

illustrated and written by John Wagner:

 

~**~ “The only thing better than a guy (or gal)

with chocolate is just the chocolate.” ~**~

 

~**~ “A box of chocolates is calling me. . .

which is more than my last boyfriend did.” ~**

Word Play Chuckles

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Using a post combining aphorisms, puns and some humor I always

hope to send readers a good time. Word play is a way I enjoy others

who utilize unique ways to get your mind to travel. Sometimes, you

have to think a bit before you ‘get it.’ Other times, they are so corny,

you may groan. . .

 

The Family Tree

of

Vincent Van Gogh

(Note:  His members included a few ‘stereotypes’ which I left out.)

 

His hardworking Brother at the convenience store known as “Stop N Gogh.”

His dizzy and kooky Aunt known as “Verti- Gogh.”

His magician Uncle otherwise known as “Where Diddy Gogh.”

His Nephew who drove a stage coach out West was named, “Wells Far Gogh.”

His bird watching Cousin who went by the name of, “Fla Min Gogh.”

The beautiful, exotic Aunt was named, “Tang Gogh.”

The little girl Cousin who liked to eat fruit known as “Mang Gogh.”

The positive Teacher and Aunt was nicknamed, “Way to Gogh.”

The Grandfather from the Old World country, “Hugh Gogh.”

The little bouncy Nephew named Poe Gogh.

(This depended on whether or not you have heard of Pogo sticks?)

The lively Sister who loves disco and dancing- Go Gogh.

And Vince’s Niece whose family travels in an R.V.- “Winnie Bay Gogh.”

 

I saw you smiling over there, almost snorting your coffee:

“There Ya, Gogh!”

 

Maxine gives you this Intermission Thought:

“Take every birthday with a grain of salt. . .

This works much better if the salt accompanies a

Margarita!”

(Thanks, John Wagner!)

 

“No Pun Intended”

Ten “Punography” Entries

(I could have had twenty!)

1. What does a clock do when it is hungry?   It goes back 4 seconds.

 

2. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  Thesaurus.

 

3. Plans for the class trip to the Coca Cola factory:  I hope there won’t be

a Pop Quiz!

 

4. Broken pencils are. . .   pointless.

 

5. Old school Bible pun. . . How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

 

6. I tried to catch some fog.  I mist.

 

7. When chemists die, they barium.

 

8. This woman said she recognized me from the club for vegetarians.

But I’d never met herbivore.

 

9. I was in a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

 

10. The hospital told me I had Type A. . . . It was a Type O.

 

Now, drum roll please: An encore Pun!

“A dyslexic man walked into a bra.”

 

You may wonder what an aphorism is:

A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or

a general truth. I used to love George Carlin’s aphorisms. Here are a few

to hold you over until you can read G.C.’s brand or style of humor.

1. The nicest thing about the future is. . . that it starts tomorrow.

 

2. Money will buy a fine dog,  only kindness will make him wag his tail.

 

3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense

at all.

 

4. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

 

And the old standby, often expressed aphorism:

5. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark

to become a teen who wants to stay out all night?

 

And as Bugs Bunny would say with a stutter and a big smile…

“That’s All, Folks!”