Category Archives: rebound relationships

Update on Kissing

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The song, “Amie,” sung by Pure Prairie League haunts me, sometimes.

I tend to sing it aloud, to my friend and coworker, Amy D. She is quite

a lovely individual with a lot of character. She reminds me of what my

Grandfather Mattson would say about a spunky person,

“She has a lot of ‘spit and vinegar!'”

I may still have a few people interested in my coworker’s personal life.

I have to tell you just a little bit more about PPL, which is sometimes the

way that mentioned band, went by, ‘in the day.’ Their roots are from a

town called, Waverly, Ohio. They headed to Columbus, where they first

recorded songs. They view Cincinnati, Ohio as their ‘first successful show.’

They have had a ‘long run,’ starting playing together in the 70’s, taking a

break after the 80’s, then ‘reviving’ again in the 90’s and finally touring

and doing up to 100 shows still in 2013.

Craig Fuller’s song, “Amie,” is an ‘ode’ to an on-again/off-again relationship.

The words go like this, (don’t they seem appropriate to Amy’s relationship

with her Roy?)

“Amie, what you gonna do?

I think I could stay with you…

For awhile, maybe longer if I do.”

(That first line, by the way comes out like this: “what ‘cha’ gonna do?”)

 

Amy seemed frazzled and confused, when I caught up to her on Wednesday.

She had been in a completely different part of the building doing her job

as a Cycle Counter. When I ran into her in the bathroom, around my second

break, I checked the row of stalls for feet. I wanted to get ‘right down to it,’

and ask her about her weekend and possible conversation about why Roy

doesn’t kiss her. He will rub her feet and back, along with enjoying an

intimate relationship with her.

She was ‘feeling down and discouraged,’ she said.

On Friday, July 25th, she had made a nice dinner after she had gone from

work, straight out to the stables, walked and fed both Spirit and Lokie, then

had brushed their coats, talking to them. She calls this her ‘unwinding time,’

also on other occasions I have heard her say that her horses are her ‘therapy

sessions.’ Aptly put, I feel. Animals are good listeners and they accept us for

who we are!

Amy brought up the subject, she admits, “Too quickly into the meal.”

She told me that she “had held her tongue all week,” and was “fed up with

all this waiting for Roy to be ‘in the mood’ to talk.”

Roy told her frankly that he had been concerned that he was her ‘rebound

relationship.’ He also told her he wished his sister had ‘waited to introduce

them.’ He feels that Amy was so excited to have anyone pay attention to her,

that she had leaped into bed with him. Lastly, she heard him express his

serious concerns about her adult children who seem to have a negative

impression of him. This has made him “hold back on really caring about

you, Amy.”

When she had told me all about this conversation, which was mainly his

side of the story, she did not tell me too much about what words she chose

to use, since we were in a ‘hurry’ to avoid any interruptions and to get to

sit down in the break room. For me, to watch the silly soap opera for the

15 allotted minutes of relaxation before heading back to where I was working.

I knew she had gotten quiet, waiting on my reactions.

I told her that I had ‘good feelings’ about how he told her his honest feelings

and that he was more open than he had been in the past. I also, hesitantly,

agreed with Roy. I told her that did not mean I felt that she and he should not

kiss, or move forward in a positive way. He was definitely a kind and supportive

person, from the way she described him. She has lost almost 30 pounds, in less

than 6 months, with his advice to eat more vegetables and also, his choosing

leaner cuts of meats to grill out. I told her that I did not get the impression that

Roy was ‘using her.’ I also told her the points about her just being divorced,

her being ‘vulnerable’ and also, the negative way those kids had blamed her,

despite her ex-husband marrying again, as soon as the ink dried on the papers,

made ME mad. I could just imagine Roy’s angry feelings at them, too.

Amy surprised me by telling me that she proceeded after dinner, to go to a

girlfriend’s house.

I asked her, “Was this to ‘process what you had heard Roy say?’

Amy looked a little embarrassed, she said that she had had a very bad reaction

to what he had said, “I felt like he was attacking first me, then my ex, and then,

my kids!”

I could see it from a more neutral place, but I could see me in my younger days,

doing the same thing!

“So, I have to know, Amy, how did the weekend go?”

This could have been edited or possibly made ‘prettier’ but I choose to let you

know, Amy told him in another way, that she ‘wanted to break up:’

“You may as well get your ass out of my life, Roy!”

You can imagine my surprise!

I told her that maybe someday their paths would intertwine, that their feelings

would be more mature when she was ready for a relationship.

She interrupted me, by saying,

“I just don’t see how he will ever forgive my over-reacting to his analysis of my

life!”

“Everything is personal. If he cares about you, doesn’t want to be a ‘rebound

relationship,’ he will give you time. Everyone says things they don’t mean,

Amy. Believe me, every one of the long-term men in my life, whether I broke

up with them, or they broke up with me, all ended up on my doorstep once

again. You will just have to decide if you want him back again. Believe me,

this isn’t over!”

“Amy, what you going to do?” (I sang to her.)

She answered, in a singsong way,

“Move to South Dakota with my horses!”

 

Somehow, I don’t think that is the ending of this!

 

Thanks again, for all of your opinions, personal stories, along with examples

from friends that you knew about whether or not, kissing is a ‘deal-breaker.’

 

 

The meaning behind kisses

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My coworker and friend’s words stopped me in my tracks yesterday.

Amy said, “Roy doesn’t kiss me.”

I turned to look at her, my beautiful and lively horse-backing friend,

owner of Spirit and Lokie.

I have worried about her, since the beginning of the year, when her

divorce was finalized. She has been a single woman trying her ‘wings’

lately, with a man named Tom and another named Roy.

Her grown children have been more on the side of her ex, even despite

the fact that he is the one who has notably, in over 25 years of marriage,

had affairs.

Twelve years ago, he had children with another woman, for Pete’s sake!

Amy allowed the twins to visit at her home, living proof of his rampant

unfaithfulness. She would have tolerated this forever. She was a believer

in marriage and its lasting forever, ‘for better or worse!’

This last time, her husband had chosen a woman who was a neighbor,

who had been a so-called ‘friend.’ This would have been my ‘last straw!’

Only after this ‘other’ woman ‘made’ him get a divorce to marry her, was

Amy released from a private ‘hell’ that she had been in, for so long. It is

hard for her to know what to do with her new freedom.

Men have been coming ‘out of the woodwork’ to ask her out on dates.

She has been enjoying all the attention. I have been happy for her, listening

to her different stories.

So, what was this about kissing?!

I thought every man who dated a woman, would eventually kiss them!

Roy has been in her life for about 5 months, the brother of the stable

owner.

Roy is a past rodeo cowboy and his photograph shows a sturdy, thin

attractive Clint Eastwood type. Amy likes him a lot more than the Tom

guy.

I have been listening to her ‘soap opera,’ for many months, while most

of the other order fillers have begun to ‘tune her out.’

Or worse, make fun of her, behind her back!

I have ‘been there, done that,’ as far as my dating history and failed

relationships.

So I understand the need to validate behaviors along with needing a

‘listening and sympathetic ear.’

“Amy!”

I used my stern voice to exclaim,

“What in the world are you talking about? You have had multiple dates

with Roy! You go to Indian Lake and stay in a cabin with him!”

She looked at the ground, saying,

“I was afraid you would lecture me about this! He never kisses me.”

I answered in an upset tone,

“Well, I think about Julia Roberts’s prostitute role, explaining to Richard

Gere’s character, how people aren’t allowed to kiss on the mouth, no

matter how much they pay their prostitute.”

(“Pretty Woman,” movie reference.)

I added hastily,

“You are not one, of course!”

Amy looked sheepishly at me,

“I was really hoping you were going to give me an example of someone

who did this, who was intimate with you but still preferred not to kiss!”

I could feel my brow creasing, my furrow between my eyes deepening

with my concern and caring for her. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or

make a hasty judgment about Roy, but. . .

“No, haven’t experienced this one before, Amy! I honestly have had only

one man who didn’t like to open mouth kiss, but that didn’t last long.

Sorry, as time went on, it got annoying kissing someone like I did my Dad

and brothers!”

And I knew this would not be what she wanted to hear but I had to add this:

“Amy, you need to back away from Roy. There is something seriously wrong

that you two have slept together and never kissed!”

Amy came to Roy’s defense,

“But Robin, he gives great foot and back massages!”

I told her that once my ex-husband and I broke up, I dreamed about being

kissed. I wanted those lingering, sweet trembling moments that would make

my knees quiver and shake!

I even had daydreamed and pictured special kisses, where my soul would

glide into another’s soul, finally knowing what the concept of “Being One”

would mean!

I also wondered aloud,

“Don’t you want the silky, sexy kisses which turn into passionate, arousing

ones?”

My brothers are very different in their hugging modes, one is a sideways,

pat on the back or shoulder kind of guy, while the other gives great, warm

bear hugs. Both love me and are my best guy friends in the world! I did not

want to go into past men in my life or details. It is best to keep the

past in the past.

I told her my personal thoughts about ‘romance.’

“I feel slow dancing and passionate kisses are foreplay!”

I saw her shoulders drop and she turned to what she had been doing,

since her job is to count products in the bins, (Cycle Count department.)

I passed her with my long hampers, filling them with cords, wipers and

other longer items. The line was going the other way, away from Amy.

When it came time for break, she was happy again, telling me that Roy

had her to do something with him later that night. She felt that he was

going to do something special.

She thought, maybe they would talk about the lack of kissing.

“Maybe he is a ‘germaphobe?'” she wondered.

I nodded my head and told her the most validating thing I could think

of at the time,

“Whatever floats your boat, Amy. Remember to always be true to

yourself!”

 

Have you ever been in a relationship where one of you didn’t like to kiss?

Was there any psychological or meaningful reason for this?

I could give Amy some explanation, if I were better prepared!

Or is it like I fear? That this is a way to put distance between them, like

a wall between them? Is Roy doing this so that Amy isn’t bound to him?

I worry about her being ‘used’ by someone who is not appreciating her

the way she deserves to be.

The Opposite of Fix is to Break

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As a counterpoint essay on a subject opposite of the “fix” post, I thought that it

would be fun to use the word, “broke” and all of its variations. This will follow the

pattern that I used last time, analysis, wordplay and include a popular song, which

has an unusual use of ‘broke’ within its lyrics. Like last time, I would like you to

help me to determine if this detracts from the friendly, caring tone it is trying to

set. I feel the One Direction’s song, “The Story of My Life,” is quite lively and goes

at such a quick pace, that you may not have noticed the words I heard the other

day.

If you watched, “American Idol,” 2014, you may have caught Alex Preston

singing this song. I am not sure, since they edit the song to fit a timed format,

if it included the phrase that concerns me. I will show the passages before this

and let you know by using *s to indicate the phrase which include the word,

“broke inside.”

“The Story of My Life”

The story of my life,

I take her home

I drive all night to keep her warm

And time is frozen

(the story, the story)

The story of my life,

I give her hope

*I spend her love

until she’s broke inside.”*

I found myself pondering this long and hard. It seems that the author loves

and cares for the woman, but then that just feels like hurtful words to say

in amongst the love messages. It seems rather ‘cold’ instead of depicting

‘warm’ feelings.

What do you think? Let me know…

The words, “break, broke, break-up and broken” all have a variety of

definitions. Most have emotions and feelings attached. I allowed myself

to add “Heartbreak” to this post, while listing positive and negative

meanings.  I had several positive reactions to the “fix” post, so hope

you will like some of the brain-storming that my coworkers did between

the first post and this one.

POSITIVE uses of the variations of “Break, etc.”

We all enjoy ‘breaks!’

From school- Summer Vacation!

From work- Vacation!

During school-

Recess,

Gym,

Music,

Art

and

Lunch.

At work in an office- The Water Cooler.

Almost all jobs have Vending Machines for snacks.

Lunch,

Break-time

and

Daily stretches.

Some of us wished we lived where “Siestas” were a daily afternoon event!

Breaking bad habits (always a positive)

Break from Ordinary Routines = Extraordinary Experiences.

Making a “clean break” is good from a bad relationship.

When two people are having some rough patches, they may wish to “take a break.”

When two people are in a committed relationship and are raising children, they

may wish to have a “break” which is otherwise known as, “Date Night!”

A “break” during a long movie or play is called “Intermission.”

When you are putting all your money into the Pot, in a game, you may say these

words, “I’m going for Broke!”

“Breaking barriers” is a good way to allow communication and relationships

between cultures, countries or other situations to grow and develop.

“Breaking Bad” was a good and entertaining television show.

“Breaking the Ice” is also good, to allow people to have more fun. One game

that was an “ice breaker,” in the old days, while a teenager, was “Spin the

Bottle.” One my parents ‘approved of,’ was “Twister!”

NEGATIVE uses of the word, “Break, etc.”

Being “broke” (when not playing a game of Monopoly) is a bad thing.

Being ’emotionally broke’ may mean you are empty inside or possibly

unemotional.

“The Break Up” was the title of a not so funny movie with Jennifer Anniston

and Vince Vaughn. (Maybe it was just me!)

Melvin mentioned that one of his favorite Clint Eastwood ‘war themed movies,’

was “Heartbreak Ridge.”

Broken hearts are so sad.

Broken engagements may leave one of the two parties involved, happier. One

much sadder.

Broken objects.

Cars broke down or breaking down.

Broken bones do hurt.

(Sticks and stones may break your bones,

And words DO hurt you, too!)

Marriage Break Up’s:

1. Accidental-

Unplanned, fall out of love, curiosity or boredom

may lead to an affair. Lack of interest with partner.

Situational and sometimes out of anger or a rash

reaction.

2. Intentional-

Separation. One or both parties chooses to leave.

Counseling ‘didn’t work.’ Too many problems, wide

disparity in personalities.

3. Emotional-

Grow apart. Reaching a breaking point. Some habits

that are not mutual, possibly addictions. The statistics

for two people, raising a child with disabilities, chances

of divorce goes from the “norm” of 50% up to 75%.

Stress and depression can be part of this ‘break up.’

When you ‘tame a horse,’ you have to ‘break’ them of

their freedom. I put this under negatives, but can see

it going either way. Depends on the perspective, the

horse or the owner.

I loved the way my coworkers helped me to compile a

list of songs with ‘heart break’ as its core. If you wish to

add some more, please do so in the comments section.

1.  “How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?”

This song was released in 1971, by the Bee Gees. Robin

and Barry Gibb mainly are the ones who wrote the lyrics.

2.  “Heartbreak Hotel”

This song was released on January 27, 1956 by Elvis Presley.

3.  “Heartbreak Hotel”

This song, totally different from Elvis’ in its lyrics and melody,

was released in 1998 by Whitney Houston.

4.  “I Can’t Make You Love Me”

Sung by Bonnie Raitt, more recently by Adele. Written in 1991.

4.  “Heartbreaker”

This was an exciting title for many famous songs!

a. Led Zeppelin, in 1969, English rock band.

b. Pat Benatar in 1979, totally different song.

c. Dionne Warwick in 1982, another song.

d. Mariah Carey in 1999, another song.

e. Justin Bieber in 2013, his own song.

Lastly, when googling this subject, I had no idea it would include

such a diverse group of performers singing the one I knew best,

Pat Benatar’s, which also was sung by Jena Irene, on “American

Idol,” 2014. We cannot go too far on this, it would generate a

whole other post!

5.  “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”

a. First title song, one I did not remember was Dionne Warwick’s

singing this in 1976. This was written by Burt Bacharach and Hal David.

The one that I saw performed in Cincinnati at what was then called,

Riverside Stadium was written by Elton John and Bernie Taupin. It

was with two ‘youngsters’ born in the same year of 1947:

Elton John and Kiki Dee.

6.  “Cecilia”

Sung by Simon and Garfunkel. This song was on their album in 1970.

An ‘oldie but goodie!’

The first line in the song goes like this, “Cecilia, you’re breaking

my heart. You’re breaking my confidence daily….”

(Notice two uses of the word, ‘breaking.’)

The part where the man gets up to use the bathroom and comes

back to bed, to find someone else taking his place; made us all laugh

hysterically, thinking that we had gotten away with listening to this

rather wild, risqué song! (And our parents had all liked S & G!)

7. “Achy Breaky Heart”

First sung in 1991, by the Marcy Brothers. Don Von Tress wrote this

song, that was later made famous by Billy Ray Cyrus, of course!

What song would you include from the band,

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Going for Brighter Colors & Changes

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I complimented the librarian in the computer area today.

She has a habit of wearing blacks, browns and grays.

There have been occasionally some varying tones in her

clothing choices, with an addition of little bits of color.

Having talked to her often, observed her grading high

school papers, and knowing she is a volunteer after

teaching all day, I was thrilled to see more color in

her attire today.

The woman looked up from her work, giving me a brilliant

smile. She informed me that her husband had encouraged her

to ‘change up’ her color palette in her wardrobe. She added

this personal detail- she was working on waiting to lose a

certain amount of weight, before buying her new sized,

Spring and Summer clothes.

I mentioned to her that was an excellent reward system

she had going on! I gently suggested to just buy a few

scarves or tops, showing that she had listened to her

husband. Just in case she thought I was being too ‘pushy,’

or opinionated, I added, “It is always nice to have their

‘permission to spend money on ourselves.'”

Then, it was an even more intimate moment we shared. We

both smiled like we had shared an ‘inside joke’ or secret.

I took my seat and then, decided to let all of you out

there, men, women and young people who may be following

my blog in on the secret! Try out a different style,

new color or add patterns to your clothes…

Spice up your wardrobe!

It is fun to pass on a good idea and since some live

on a simpler, tighter budget, like myself, go on over

to your local resale shop or thrift store to rejuvenate

your ‘look!’

As a way to create conversation, my brother, Randy the

artist painted on a white linen jacket, billowing aqua,

turquoise and creamy-colored clouds for an art gallery

opening, held in California. He is one who looks quite

dapper, although his FB page is not so great, he has lost

weight and cut his hair, so he also needs to ‘change up!’

When I thought about my last years of teaching, I had

a rainbow of colors every day reflected in my clothing.

My other brother, the professor, loves it when I buy

him ‘cool’ ties. He likes school related theme ties,

along with ones that just have music, art or jazz

up his ‘look.’ Trying something new is good for all

of us, both sexes, wherever we work or go out and

about in society. It may just create a little magic

for you and your special person, or attract someone

who has not noticed you before.

At my current job, I tend to wear those dismal colors

of black, gray, brown and an occasional dark blue. This

had been my mode of operandi to prevent damage and stains

that are impossible to get out of my work clothes. It is a

dirty place; lots of times I look like ‘Pigpen’ from the

Charles Schulz comic strip, “Peanuts!”

Wouldn’t it be nice to just go ahead and wear some

colorful patterns that are more exciting looking to my

current workplace?

I mean, less drab… Maybe this would encourage others to

‘cross over to the sunny side of the street.’ I definitely

feel the need to get out of my rut!

I read a book recently on relationships written by Sara

Eckel. It was called, “It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons

You’re Single,” (208 pages) If you are thinking about the

current dating scene, if you have someone you know who is,

or if you just are curious about the newer way things are

going out in a different facet of society…

Check this book out! It is a funny, interesting and

enlightening guidebook for the newly single people out

there, for ones who wonder,

“Why on Earth was it so easy back when I dated the last

time? And now, it is nearly impossible!”

The author approaches the subject in a very positive

manner, where she insists it is not you being anyone

that is repelling the opposite sex away. She thinks it

is just you haven’t met the right person yet!

I have paraphrased the following section, in my own

words, with my personal ‘slant’ added:

One of the myths that she ‘de-bunks’ is for example,

1. “You are too needy.”

No. that is not why you haven’t attracted someone to you.

Another one is,

2. “You are unrealistic.”

No, if is okay to have goals, choices and favorite attributes

(and values) in mind when you are seeking to find another

person to possibly spend the rest of your life with.

This one I have heard before,

3. “You are too picky.”

This was something someone said to me recently. That

comment really ‘got under my ‘craw,’ I will tell you!

I think that having been married three times, I should

know what works, what didn’t and hopefully, once and for

all, I should make plans and lists and actually, use them!

I need to understand what are the characteristics I am

looking for and then, not ‘sway’ too much from the

outline. Nice people don’t mean they are good matches.

Not just fall for the next guy who buys me dinner!

The author’s great question addresses why have we become

a society where we assign blame for being particular and

trying to make good choices?

Here are Sara Eckel’s own words on the subject:

“We’re a nation that believes strongly in personal efficacy–

if there’s something in your life that isn’t working quite

the way you’d like, then the problem must begin and end

with you.”

The myths include how we view ourselves through other’s

eyes, instead of relying on our own common sense.

Here are two more myths, to share with you.

4. “You’re too intimidating.”

5. “You should have married that guy.”

Don’t listen to the ones who tend to place the blame

on you. Make sure that you surround yourself with

supportive people who are cheering for you and wish

that you will find someone to be your partner or

close friend of the opposite sex. The important thing

to remember isn’t,

“Why are you still single?”

but “Why are near strangers so often compelled to

comment or demand answers.” I wish to add, sometimes

family members and your best friends may be part of

the naysayers. You need to develop a positive attitude

where you can deflect their comments and act like you

are doing ‘just fine’ without the negative opinions.

Hope this helps everyone in some aspect of their life.

I highly recommend this ‘no nonsense’ book and trying

out a new way of doing something. Hair style, clothing

style or the way you walk, with your confidence showing,

shoulders back and a broad smile to carry you and others

through their days.

Two Wrongs Made a “Right”

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I have known Steve for over five years and his wife, Rachel more like

ten years. It is a great match that I thought was made in “Heaven.”

I taught only one year with Rachel before leaving Mt. Gilead, but was

pleased to run into her husband, not having paid atttention to where

he was working, when I started at Advance Auto distribution center.

I noticed Steve’s last name on his name tag, asked if he was married to

Rachel and once we were “connected” through his wife, have had many

nice conversations.  Having heard for the year I knew Rachel, lots about

his studying first to get his “LPN” and then, more recently, to get his “RN”

from OSU. I had heard a little about their marriage in the teacher’s break

room, during lunch, but never heard how and when they had met.

Steve works in the PDQ room and fills E-Commerce orders sometimes,

too. When he was showing me, the week I was heading to my Mom’s

for vacation, pictures of his son, Alexander I thought I would like to

surprise Steve and Rachel with a “baby” name picture of his now one

year old. Steve was telling me about his son and how he reacted to the

zoo animals recently. I made a mental note to pay attention to the

details of this little one, otherwise know as “Xander.”

Steve told me since going to the zoo,

“Xander growls like a lion now, frequently when he used to shriek

while mad! We have decided to dress him up for Halloween as a lion!”

While at my Mom’s I worked on “Alexander” and “Dondria.” (Darryl’s

newborn daughter) their name pictures. Darryl had mentioned his

wife likes the cats at the zoo, so Dondria has a cheetah, tiger, and

two tall giraffes, with a teddy bear on her name, Alexander has a

big lion, two little stuffed giraffes and an elephant in his picture.

When I got back to work today, I headed to my boss’ office, greeting

her by saying, “I said ‘goodbye’ to Mom and crie; I don’t know if it was

more due to leaving her or having to come back and work here!”

Katrina laughed! I asked her if it was o.k. to leave the two pen and ink

with watercolor pictures for the two men, Darryl and Steve in her

office. She suggested putting them in the next office over, with her

clerk in charge of them. Katrina was going to help us fill orders today.

Anyway, when I saw Steve he was heading to break and picked up

the name picture. He “oohed” and “aahhed” then sat down to eat

his breakfast snack with me. I had my granola bar and iced tea. I

asked Steve, “How is Rachel doing? Is she loving her new school?”

Steve started to tell me about her new school, then backtracked

to show me Xander walking up to a house to “growl” and his Dad

“interpreted” by saying, “He’s saying ‘trick or treat’ and as he

received the candy, Xander growled again, so his Dad (Steve) said,

“He says ‘thank you.'”

The short video of this whole episode at the front door of a nice

house with pumpkins, Xander, holding his Dad’s hand and the

translations was so sweet! I told him, “You are teaching him very

good manners and believe it or not, this year will fly by, soon he

will at age 2 maybe say the words himself NEXT Halloween!”

Steve smiled, then sighed, “I am frustrated, graduated in May, (’13)

and still working here!”

I agreed and told him what I had told Katrina. He said, “Hey, be

careful, she may really think you don’t want to work here!”

I chuckled, “But I don’t!”

Then Steve started to tell me his love story in only 12 minutes. So,

this is a “speed dating,” “speed relatioship,” and finally a “speed

marriage!” Really the love story evolved over ten years covering

this year.

“Robin, remember when you told me your brothers’ rules for

dating? Rachel and I broke every one of them!”

Here is the rest of the story…

Steve was persuaded by a friend in 2003 to go to a Halloween

costume party. He went as a “bum” or “hobo.” I had not shaved

nor did I think I had taken a bath or shower in over 3 days. I was

a “mess.” When he got there, he saw an angel, someone all in

white, he saw her face, it was beautiful in his eyes. He walked

past Rachel, not thinking of her as any kind of possibility. Steve

had just been through a break up and he did not want to be in

any kind of relationship.

Rachel (Steve’s version of her story) was looking around, kind of

helplessly, since she was told by her sister to meet her at an

address, she did know one other person, upon arrival. Rachel

was dressed as a Victorian woman with a high lacy collar and

upon being asked, had planned on saying she was a “spirit

who was not allowed to drink spirits, due to Prohibition.”

Steve paused and said, “Really, that is what she had cooked up,

wasn’t that a smart woman?” Knowing Rachel as a goofy, fun

loving preschool teacher with her Master’s in Early Intervention,

(Special Education age 3 to grade 3) I could not imagine her

wearing such a straight laced outfit! It made me laugh!

“You’re not kidding, are you?”

Rachel had worn our only year we both taught at the same

school, a big pumpkin costume with her face painted orange

and her facial features blackened into three triangles (nose

and two eyes) and a jagged smile for her mouth. She had

waddled around with that huge thing, meant for someone

over five foot two inches tall!

Anyway, Steve said, at some point he collapsed on the sofa,

with a beer in one hand and a couple of pizza slices stacked

up on top of each other. When she sat down with a graceful

landing, she had a Diet Coke can in her hand. He told me

today, “I really did not even consider this woman my future

anything! She didn’t even freaking drink alcohol!”

(Side note: Later he found out, that was all part of her tea-

totaler role and that she had a big shot of Rum in her can!)

When she started to talk, Steve thought, “This woman hasn’t

a clue on how to be cool!”

Steve admitted that Rachel did not have any interest whatsoever

in him either!

“So, how did you end up together?”

Steve said, “We ended up together at the end of the night still on

that sofa, having told each other about both our recent break-ups

and we were deciding to be friends. I exchanged telephone numbers

with her, we said we would be there to listen whenever the other one

needed us.”

“After a year of actually being friends and sometimes we shared the

benefits of attraction, sometimes not, our family expected us to

bring the other one,” Steve continued.

“On the other hand, our friends, especially Rachel’s, could not see

the point, I mean, they kept asking why we were ‘wasting time’ with

each other. You have to know, I had not been very good at working

on my LPN classes, probably was still just acting like a dumb kid,

thinking, ‘I am working at Advance Auto D.C. so what’s the big deal

about getting my degrees?'”

I asked Steve if this sounded okay for the summary, so far, of his

relationship with Rachel. “Your family loved Rachel, they had hope

and patience. Her family liked you, they had patience and love, too.

Your friends were trying to get you to venture out and let go of each

other. After all, you were each other’s ‘rebound’ person and should

have been moving on by now.”

Steve nodded, “Exactly!”

Rachel’s girlfriends had found her a date and wanted her to go out

with a man named Dave. She confided in her “best” friend, Steve,

and also he made me snicker at this revelation she had told him

something like this:

“I knew my friends were right, we weren’t going anywhere, but I just

didn’t want to shave and put my nylons on!”

Steve said, “That made me a little hurt! Here I had thought the reason

she didn’t get dressed up was because she was a ‘natural woman.’ It

made me sit up and say, ‘Hey, what am I? Chopped liver?'”

Rachel repeated a line they had told each other awhile back:

“No expectations means no disappointments!”

Steve said, “My line had always been:

‘This is me! Take it or leave it!'”

Steve stopped and again looked a little sad, “I had let those words work

against us. I had treated her like an old shoe. I knew it and I knew she

had not made any effort to fix herself up when we went out to eat or to

the movies. She wore jeans and a holey sweatshirt. Sometimes she even

wore sweat pants! We still would have ‘relations’ or ‘benefits’ but we

had gotten complacent and lazy!'”

“Guess what I did?” Steve exclaimed excitedly.

“I guess that you decided to give her some roses,” I replied.

“No! I asked her out for a real date where she would have to shave

and get fixed up.”

“She looked at me like I was crazy!” Steve said, he worried

then, maybe she truly didn’t see any potential in him.

Steve explained to her that they had “used each other” and

had “taken each other for granted.”

Rachel admitted to him,

“We complained all the time about our exes, never really looking at

each other or trying to make ourselves work things out.”

Steve said that after they started dating, things fell into place. They

already had learned each other’s feelings, favorite foods, and how

each other wanted to be treated.

Steve explained, “We had already found out what didn’t work out

with our last relationships. We had unconsciously stopped doing

things that irritated each other.

They had become “one” in some ways. By treating each other as dates,

the attraction “doubled” and they were more intensely interested in

finding out things like how many children each wished for and which

kind of church they might attend.

They decided one year after dating, two years after meeting at that

fortuitous Halloween party, to get married. It was not a proposal.

It was a decision made together.

Steve and Rachel went to jewelry stores, chose rings and started to

tell people they were engaged. Their parents started the process

of making wedding plans, her mother especially excited to help with

the plans.

“Both families were ecstatic,” Steve said, “My Dad said, ‘FINALLY!'”

Steve would like to let those lonely hearts out there know:

“When people don’t want to be treated like an old shoe, they need

to step up their game!”

I would like to say, “If the shoe fits, wear it!”

Safe relationships

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I have written a few posts about my own personal experiences

with control and abuse, along with the battered women’s

shelter job as the Child Advocate. In my stories, I try to indicate

that everyone should be loved, cared about and treated in a kind

way, whether married or in a relationship. I encourage men also

to find that secure and “safe” love.

I have watched several movies over the years that had good

content, ideas and moving stories about women’s struggles

to get free and improve their lives. My story about the woman,

Maria, who lived in my apartment building was a haunting

one that from time to time, I stop and stand still. A prayer comes

to mind, then I try not to worry about her.

I just watched, “Safe Haven” and would recommend it. Although

it is not as wonderful as Nicholas Sparks’ book and following

movie, “The Notebook” which dealt with another serious subject,

Alzheimers and dementia. Both James Garner as the patient elderly

husband and Gena Rowlands make that movie meaningful through

their subtle portrayals of a couple who have been together many

years. The younger actors, Ryan Gosling and Rachel Mc Adams

portray the couple as younger and more impetuous, combatting

some class issues and yet, overcoming them.

Julia Roberts and Patrick Bergen were in the movie, “Sleeping with

the Enemy.” The story made from a book, covered similar subject of a

scary, angry husband as found in “Safe Haven.” Julia’s character has

to “fake” her own death to get away from her abusive husband.

Another fine movie, “Enough,” starring Jennifer Lopez and Billy

Campbell covers the abuse theme but I like the proactive moves that

Jennifer’s character chooses. She begins to train in getting fit by learning

skills called “Krav Maga” which teach her strength. She learns that she

must listen to her own voice and approaches her ex-husband in his own

home, breaking in to scare him one last time to leave her alone.

Jennifer’s character has hidden his guns and weapons. She pretends to be

hurt and weak, then strikes back. I won’t tell you more but I liked the fact

that she did not just hide and try to make a new life. She tries this, but the

movie and story goes beyond running, gives some other areas to develop.

I think that in “Safe Haven” it is interesting to have the “bad” man be a cop.

He makes his way  southward to Atlanta by flashing his badge to get

information. Somehow, he lands in the nice, peaceful town where the woman

lives and had found her “safe haven.” Josh Duhamel and Julianne Hough

are the beautiful actors that depict the future happy couple. The chilling cop

and ex-husband “villain” is portrayed by David Lyons.

Although each movie promotes the idea of freedom from abuse and control,

I find that the dependence on a “new man” a little disconcerting. It is always

nice to have hope of a better life, more friends, and possibly a new love. But

it would be nice to show the women standing on her own two feet, being

happy and secure on their own first. Finding that “safe haven” within oneself

really is the best way to move forward wherever you head after getting out of

an abusive or controlling relationship.

I Was a Rebound Girl More Than Once!

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Lunch Table Talk

While listening to one of my friends talking about how she

had finally met a good “rebound guy” I am thinking back to

my unfortunate experiences of this in a reverse role. I cringe

inside as I listen to her saying things about the “man who is

going to get me over Dave!” (A Christmas through Easter

romance.) I have genuine concern for this recent “nice guy”

who is ‘wining and dining’ her.

I was a “rebound girl” at least twice in my life. I was so caught

up with the first young man, it did not dawn on me,

“This might not last!”

When it was close to being over, I got clingy. When I knew it

was definitely over, I went into near hysterics. I was very bereft

at the time. I thought that my involvement with this man would

be different from his ex-girlfriend’s fate. Although he had been

adamant to express her blame in the break-up, I had my doubts

as the “nails in my coffin” were in place! He had many times

given me some foreshadowing that could have been warnings

to stay clear of this man!

Here are a few of the signs you need to proceed with caution:

1.  Every woman this man has been involved with caused the

break up or created the friction that ended the relationship.

This negativity can at first cause you to lend a very sympathetic

ear. (Oh yeah! I listened and murmured such empathetic

comments into this man’s ears. I vowed to never be as MEAN

as that EX was!)

Or the complete opposite is another possible warning as in:

2.  The woman (or man) is always placed on a pedestal or

held in such high esteem you wonder,

“Why did he leave her in the first place?”

I have run into this one time where she was “Miss Perfect.”

Everyone, including me, paled in comparison with the glowing

description and details that should never have been imparted

to my vivid imagination! I think of the Beatles’ song, “Something

in the Way She Moves Me.” This song depicts this princess who

you need to realize you will try and try to win this man’s love, with

no possibility of overpassing this woman’s fine attributes.

Either way, situation one or situation two, you might as well give

up and move forward.

I lingered too long when the person was in the comparison stage.

I did not realize how many situations this would impact our

relationship. I could not cook the holiday meal as well. I could not

decorate or wrap presents in the wonderful way she did. I did not

like this but somehow it set me up for my competitive self to kick it

into high gear. When it was finally gasping its final gasping breath,

I realized there was relief after not being able to be “Miss Perfect.”

Now, let’s dish! Please tell me, have you ever been the rebound

person? Have you ever had a relationship purely to ‘get over’

another person? (In other words, you got involved to rebound

from that other person?) Now, come on, we are all friends

and confidantes, aren’t we?