Category Archives: sarcasm

Some Humor among the Sarcasm

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I laughed at a real life news story, where a mother of four children

came out from shopping with her kids, of one of those ‘box stores,’

having a cart load of groceries and necessities. She walked over to

where her car was supposed to be, and it was gone!

Stolen!

She managed to catch a person who allowed her to use their phone.

She called “9-1-1” and then turned to the sympathetic man, who had

been asking, “What else he could do?”

 

The single mother, smiled, as she asked him,

“One more favor, may I use your cell  phone just one more time?

It’s local!”

 

She then asked her kids and the man to move away.

Go back on the sidewalk and get far away.”

Again, she promised to make it quick!

 

This true story was told on the news on Monday, so there may even be a

video of the next part of the story. . . You know how Youtube catches the

news!

 

The woman called her own cell phone, knowing she had left it in the cup

holder. Like idiots, the thieves opened her phone and asked, “Hello?”

She blurted out a blazing trail of swear words, saying that she was a

single mother with four kids and “Why in the world would you choose

my  ‘piece of junk’ car to steal, anyway?”

 

She then added to the unfortunate robbers of her van, “You morons,

I know that my phone has some kind of a chip in it for locating where

you are at. Get back here NOW!”

 

Supposedly, the van was returned, before the police had arrived, and

they even handed her the keys before they took off, through the busy

shopping plaza, on foot.

I was smiling all the way to work on Monday, due to this genius move

by a desperate single Mom!

 

Another funny part of the news was that supposedly “Mr.T” had to show up

at his local courthouse, since he got an official letter telling him the date to

go and serve  on Jury Duty! He actually  was dismissed. He was very

disappointed that he was not asked to serve on a case. There was a group

of people in the waiting room, having coffee and talking to him. They had

some selfies taken with “Mr. T,” too. The funny thing that someone asked

him, was would he ‘pretend hit him,’ posing for a picture. Now, the radio

announcer for this ‘news flash,’ used a comical voice, imitating “Mr. T.”

in his response,

(Using the unique and amusing way that “Mr. T.” use himself  in the third

person, too.)

“Mr. T.”  cannot look like he is hitting you, because “Mr. T.” don’t want any

trouble with the ‘po-lice.'”

Of course, he did not actually say this but the gist of the situation is true,

that a young man wanted him to pretend fight with him, for his cell phone

but “Mr. T.” politely declined and instead gave him a hug.

 

Now  this one is from my friend, Melvin, who was on a ‘rant’ so excuse the

angry sarcasm. Our mutual young friend, Cody, who we have both given rides

home, in the heated afternoons and early evenings, after what we consider

‘grueling’ days, got too many ‘points’ and lost his job.

Here is the way the excited tone and words were exchanged in the parking

lot today:

Melvin uses a Martin Lawrence/Chris Tucker shrieking voice that is very

indignant in this rampage:

“So, Robin, we have three situations here. All three are given the exact SAME

Number of Points, am I clear on this?

First, Tina, who is a ‘white girl,’ gets 9 points but has no other points so she

gets to keep her job, after hitting a security guard and leaving.

(And honest to Pete, he did add this ‘racial’ clarification. Sorry, don’t be too

offended because under the rant, there is an element of truth. I am upset, too.)

Second, our good friend, Peggy, turned 60 and we had a grand party for her,

but she gets assigned to using one of those awful heavy bulk riding machines.

(He is really stretching the high pitched tone, which makes me laugh, despite

myself.)

Poor Peggy, unwittingly trips over her feet getting off the machine, falls and

hits her head on the concrete, and gets the SAME number of points, ‘white

girl’ gets no breaks. 9 points! She had to go to the hospital, get X-rays and

set up for an MRI tomorrow, and she will get Workman’s Comp, which means

she will not have to pay for this accident, EXCEPT Peggy will have to be careful

for the rest of the next 12 months, or she will lose her job for hitting her head.

Do I have this right, Robin?”

I looked at him, expressing disgust with the unfairness of these two very different

situations. Peggy should not have had to be on equipment, without any kind of

re-training. She should not get any points, in my opinion! (And Melvin’s, too.)

Then Melvin concludes his story, with his agitated distorted voice, since you

would think normally he were an “upper crust” New Englander, being raised

by his island parents, going to school in Boston and having served in the Army

in Europe:

“Robin, my man Cody, arrives late to work and has accumulated the one point

for poor attendance, Right? Then, my good boy who is very good in his position

in Heavy Bulk, is parking his equipment, runs the metal fork into a metal rack.

He is done with his work, just parking it. There rings out a metal ‘Clash!” and

someone runs to the Bin Order Filler office, someone who for some Ungodly,

Unholy reason ‘has it out for my black young friend, my ‘brother’ Cody gets

9 points today and is ‘walked out,’ like a common criminal!”

Tammy and I have listened to Melvin’s tirade. We have had sympathy for

Tina (awhile back her hit and run was a subject of a post) and Peggy, just is

devastated, having never received more than 2 points in the 15 years of working

here.

Tammy was the one who stopped laughing over Melvin’s hysterical rendering

of the unfairness of it all, first. I was just shaking my head. I have a feeling that

Peggy’s sister or brother, both having been to college and have attorneys, will

be looking for a settlement. This will all ‘back fire’ on the administration. I just

hope that Peggy will come back since she has not reached 62 nor retirement age.

Melvin’s summary is (again NOT politically correct), “So, if you are a ‘white lady,’

you can hit a security guard, leave the scene of the crime, keep your job and not

serve time. You get 9 points.

You be a ‘white lady,’ you have been getting a little on the ‘old’ side of things,

you trip and fall, hurt your own self, and get 9 points.

Then, you show up late once for work, as a black boy needs his sleep, you get

1 point. You hit a rack, no injuries whatsoever, no one even close by, you make

some noise, someone notices, and you get reported on. You get 9 points, make

it to that darn 10 you lose your job!! Gimme justice!”

 

Melvin wanted to come up with a better ‘punchline,’ but this was it:

“The inequitable number of ‘9’ must have been pulled out of someone high up in

the organization, to be used three times in three different situations. They must

have pulled it out of their high falutin’ behinds!”

If you had heard his vocal impression of the irritated actors then you may be

laughing. (I think he does a great job of Chris Tucker, from those movies with

Jackie Chan.)

But you know this one is not a laughing matter!

As Melvin got into his car, he raised his arm in the old “Black Power” fist

and said, “I want Justice for my man, Cody!!”

 

The continuing saga of  work, just glad I have received no points this year!

If you are a minute late from lunch you earn a ‘point’ and are considered,

‘tardy.’ If you miss work on a day that you are supposed to have a doctor’s

excuse, (Mondays and Fridays) you will earn that random number of 9 points.

 

 

Summer Laughs

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Thanks to Mark, who gave me this title on a Hump Day, a week or so, back.

It was where I had little funny jokes or stories, where a witty comeback line

‘closed’ each one of them. I love the idea of looking for ‘summer’ chuckles

so here are some that I found for you to enjoy!

Now, if Mark will guffaw loudly enough to be heard by all, from his Syracuse,

New York location, this will make my day!

http://markbialczak.com

 

After the jokes, there will be a musical moment, since Mark’s posts include

sports (which I am ‘sketchy’ on), entertainment and his perspectives on Life.

 

In the days when I was a single Mom, I discovered the quaint and the very good

idea of bringing children and being a faithful Christian by going to church every

Sunday and Wednesday nights!

One summer Wednesday evening, I heard our pastor catch my attention and the

whole congregation’s by exclaiming out loud:

“Sex!”

The congregation quit fidgeting and suddenly were giving their full and rapt

attention!

Everyone had fallen into total silence.

Then, they started to look nervously at each other, afraid to say anything.

In the back of the church, one of the elderly women stood up, she was a

sweet and beloved member of the church.

She started singing in her soprano voice,

“Memories.”

(This is a joke, hope you liked this first one of my Summer Laughs’ Series!)

 

2. “One lazy summer morning, a long married couple were sitting

over their coffee, toast and cereal, being quiet and thoughtful.

The husband was reading the newspaper, they had the radio on

and this was a nice way to begin one of their many retirement days.

The husband looked up from the paper and happened to say to her,

“Dear, when I die you may go ahead and remarry. I just hope you

don’t choose a jerk the next time around.”

The wife sat, chewing her breakfast, drinking sips of her coffee and

then, stunned  her husband by replying:

“Honey, what makes you think I would make that mistake again?”

A few funny summer jokes, found in pieces of mail from my Mom’s

friend, Pookie, from California follow!

 

3. In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was wearing

a tight skirt, approached the bus.

As it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was

too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step

of the bus.

She was slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus

driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking

that this would give her enough slack in the skirt to raise her leg.

This time she still wasn’t able to raise her leg high enough to

embark on the bus.

She looked at the bus driver, embarrassed again, reaching behind

to unzip her skirt.

She tried this one more time attempting the step.

Once again, to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

About this time, a tall Texan who had been standing behind her the

whole time, waiting himself to get onto the bus, picked the young

woman in her tight and fashionable pencil skirt and placed her

gently on the bus.

The young woman exclaimed,

“How dare you do this? I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled,

“Well, Ma’m, normally I would agree with you. After you

unzipped my fly three times, I kinda’ figured we were friends!”

 

4. A “Maxine” Fourth of July joke:

This older woman, wearing an American flag on her shirt,

from the comic strip created by John Wagner, “Maxine” says:

“Until you almost lose a finger helping set off fireworks,

you can’t really call yourself a Patriot!”

My 85 year old Mom liked that one, but added:

“If you haven’t had your whiskers singed by a sparkler,

then you really haven’t had a ‘blast’ for the Fourth!”

(She was a big provider of sparklers, over the years,

to my children, and now, grandchildren!

 

5. This joke should be actually considered a little bit of a ‘rant!’

It could be considered,”Lesson on Changes in Technology!”

It is accompanied by an appropriate photograph!

“All you, young ‘whippersnappers’ will never know…

The satisfaction of slamming down a receiver on a

Rotary Phone!!”

 

(Now, if you are ever in Goodwill or Salvation Army,

check out all those old-fashioned phones. If you have

any grandchildren, grab one or two. They absolutely

LOVE playing with the dials and the buttons on either

the dial rotary phones or the push button ones! I have

a couple and the grandkids call each other. I also wish

to share this fact: In the song, “Five Little Monkeys”

there is a line, where you use the motion of actually

dialing a telephone, “Mama called the Doctor and the

Doctor said, “No more monkeys jumping on the bed!”

My grandkids now understand the reason why you

use one hand up to your ear and the other to make a

circular motion!” Also, my preschoolers, special ed.

teaching experience loved how heavy those phones

were, dragging their cords around behind them, while

“pretend” talking on them!!)

 

 

Oh, if you didn’t see the great article in the Sunday newspaper about

the 23 year old, Ed Sheeran, don’t forget that he did a collaboration

with Pharrell Williams, who I featured in the post, “The Man Behind

Happy.”

Ed Sheeran, who sang, “Daydream,” and was nominated for a Grammy

this year, made it into my 1/28/14 post about the Grammy Awards.

Also, that he is a Brit, who had played with Taylor Swift, on her “RED

tour,” and has been friends with two of the show, “Friends, Courtney Cox

and Jennifer Anniston.

“The Lego House” and “A Team” led him to be in the Top Ten songs’ lists,

along with his becoming close to Elton John, Usher and other famous

singers are helping this young man to soar. I am happy to report that one

of his goals is to be ‘settled down with a family by age 33!’ He is dating a

chef, who he is close to but doesn’t bring her into the limelight. His mother,

father and brother are very important to him, too!

Ed Sheeran, also was in my post about the “Voice” and “American Idol”

season finales, since one or two of his songs made it onto those shows. His

carefree spring/summer song is, “Sing” done in collaboration with Pharrell

Williams.

HAVE A HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!

All around the world:

LET FREEDOM RING TO LAUGH!!

 

Humor and its Impact

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I am chuckling as I open my letter from my Mom. It is

always filled with comics, articles and what she

considers, “blog material!” I had told her about my

plans to post an essay about Sports Illustrated.

I also had written her a letter about my partial summary

of the holidays and my feelings of ‘abundant gifts.’

This received letter had coupons and the famous ‘Maxine’

comics. If you look her up you will see a wacky, older

woman cartoon. She has glasses and sometimes her hair

is purple or blue, they are always a ‘hoot!'(I had a

series of Halloween comics that were about Maxine. It

was a big hit, not sure if it is because it was short

or because it was humorous?)

My first one is rather appropriate ANY Day:

“If you woke up breathing: Congratulations! You have

another chance!”

Here are several clever and witty, age related (and

somewhat female-directed jokes,) written by John

Wagner, who is the creator of Maxine.

There are three that make me think of New Year’s

parties and also, the upcoming Super Bowl! (2/2/14):

1. “Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!”

2. “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder!”

3. “My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself!”

On Driver Safety:

“I can’t use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep

my hands free for making gestures!”

On Housework:

“I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive

to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.”

The Perfect Man:

“All I’m looking for is a guy who’ll do what I want, when

I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait

nearby!”

“Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up!”

“Take every birthday with a grain of salt… this works much

better with a margarita accompanying the salt!”

Oh, for those in warmer climates:

Lawn Care:

“The key to a nice looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend

one who is muscular and shirtless.”

Hope this gives you a few smiles, chuckles and gets your day

going in a positive direction!

Labor With Delivery

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Labor Day Weekend Poem

Once a quarter of a year,

it doesn’t hurt for Mom to hear:

“Thank you for your labor and delivery,

Hope this finds you far from misery!”

Its been three months, in a way…

since Mother’s Day!

 

 

Everybody words hard for their money,

Or the song says so at least,

So grab your sweetie or honey

and all the ‘fixin’s’ to have a picnic for two.

Bring along some watermelon and Mt. Dew.

 

 

Enjoy the day,

Come what may.

Don’t be sad or mad,

There’s so much for us to be glad.

 

 

Freedom comes with a price,

Taxes, humanity and strife.

Love, peace and joy,

Oh boy!

 

 

We can make it through the stormy weather,

Hope your heart is light and floats like a feather.

The air off the lake will rejuvenate my soul,

Relaxation is my destination or goal!

Written by Robin O. Cochran

(9/29/2013)

A pretty simple poem, written in haste.

But it is the thought that counts, even

when tongue is placed firmly in cheek!