Category Archives: swear words

Musical Notes

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When David Letterman took over for Johnny Carson, it was not a

pretty sound heard around the country, possibly the world. There

were four letter words, profanity being blurted out and there was an

inexplicable sadness for ‘losing’ the off stage private person, on stage

hilarious man. Who could replace Johnny?

My parents  were open-minded  and would routinely enjoy ‘new’ things,

which meant they eventually watched, “The Jay Leno Show” and “The

Late Show with David Letterman.”

There was a night owl lurking in both parents, even while completing

their careers, they were ‘stout’ and ‘devout’ late to bed and during the

week, early to risers.

Now, retirement changed this but that is another story!

I was flabbergasted that TONIGHT will be the LAST Christmas show

with David Letterman where he features the fabulous (‘dahling’) woman

known to many as “Darlene Love.” You must have heard her singing, even

if not on this show, but David’s Late Show band leader, Paul Shaffer,

was the one to have discovered her and encouraged David to have her on

his show, particularly singing (should I say, ‘belting out?’) this marvelous

song,

“Baby, Please Come Home for Christmas.”

She came in short hair, blonde hair, long and wavy hair, sometimes even

crimped hair, she changed her octaves over the 18 years of being the one

who heralded in the Christmas season’s last week before evening show.

 

David Letterman has declared her (or ‘dubbed her’) the Christmas Queen!

 

There is someone or something that brings Christmas into your heart,

if you follow the tradition to celebrate this holiday. . .

Who or what makes the holiday come true?

David Letterman sometime almost 30 years ago said,

“It’s just not Christmas, without Darlene Love on our show.”

 

If you cannot listen tonight, don’t have DVR to save this momentous

occasion, then find her and look her up on Youtube or listen to her one

one of Phil Sceptor’s brilliant Christmas albums, recorded in 1963…

Beginning a Week of Book Banning Awareness

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From September 21st through the 27th, the American Libraries Association has

declared this “Banned Books Week.” They wish to encourage our freedom to read.

The ALA’s slogan for this week is, “Discover What You’re Missing.” I think it is so

important to remind people of how recently we had books destroyed, censored

and banned in our country.

In my opinion, books on any subject are meant to expand our world views. They

open our eyes where we may hold insulated views. Some have been protected,

kept safe and ‘closed off,’ from what is being presented in their community or

‘tribe’ (or family.)There are some who home school, some who don’t believe

in public news, some who wish that all offensive subjects not be mentioned to

or around their children. I respect their freedom to do so and they have valid

concerns. But they must also be careful for ‘what they wish for.’ After having

a protected Catholic roommate my sophomore year in college go, ‘haywire,’

with her sudden freedom. Also, knowing a relative who sent her 3 daughters to

a Christian college, only to have one get married to a Catholic, a Jewish man

and another to live with a man out of wedlock, I think one must be careful

about what kind of life you are presenting to your children and family.

By the way, just so you don’t misunderstand, I felt all three of these choices

were find and acceptable choices. It is just the fact the parents had tried to

prevent this ‘kind of thing,’ from happening, that I mention it at all.

Creating awareness of censorship and banning books may seem ‘foreign’ to

ones in their twenties who may live in a city where this has not recently

happened. Historically, it is no so far in the distant past, as one may think. It

is also part of many cultures’ and countries’ current practices. Awareness of

the dangers in such behavior, burning books, taking black markers and

removing words, opinions, and whole passages of different perspectives is

so important for everyone to recognize.

The definition of ‘ban’ that applies to this practice is defined as to prohibit

especially by legal means or social pressure some form of information.

Censure or condemning through public opinion.

The definition of ‘censor’ is to examine in order to suppress or delete

harmful or dangerous material.

The major problem in both banning and censoring is “Who is doing this?”

Who has the authority to choose what we are able to read, write or talk

about?

The subjects of McCarthyism, Apartheid, Racial Issues and Governmental

Control are the ones that “leap to mind’ and produce a cold hand upon my

heart.

Do I think the military servicemen should have had their letters censored,

for fear of accidentally getting into the hands of our enemies? I would not

wish to make a decision that might cause death or infiltration of the enemy

in times of war.

Do I think that some subjects are ‘gross’ and upsetting to my mind? Yes,

but again, I would not wish to impose my thoughts upon others. I don’t

feel this would be fair or just behavior.

While teaching my first year of middle school, in 1979, I was in a small

town where the principal and the superintendent were from cities. They

said it was important to not feel that parents should dictate how their

students be taught. They made me feel comfortable about approaching

them with topics. Sixth grade Language Arts, along with English, Spelling

and Current Events were part of my instruction responsibilities. We had

team teaching, where the students moved from classroom to classroom.

Once I found out I was expecting my second child (my first miscarriage

had been the year before) I asked when it would be appropriate to tell

the students. We were going to be riding in a bus, in the winter months

to a swimming pool, I would be helping the kids to learn floating and

Life Saving techniques. I would be wearing a maternity bathing suit by

then. They suggested telling the parents in November and I listened to

their more experienced advice. We also were having Sex Ed discussions

in the Science classes. I was a little embarrassed as students would see

my belly expanding, but it turned out they loved getting in a line after

lunch in December to feel the baby move. Then, I would have them put

their heads down, as they rested and listened to the chapter book, “The

Yearling,” by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings.

What books do I think of that have been banned? Without referring to

a list, I imagined “Clockwork Orange,” from my high school readings.

I pictured and remembered that the word, ‘nigger,’ was considered very

controversial and some schools and libraries during the Civil Rights

Movement, mistakenly removed the book, “Huckleberry Finn,” from

their book shelves. The third immediate ‘banned’ book I could think of,

was “The Scarlet Letter.”

Why ban “Clockwork Orange?” Graphic language,  the governmental

control and the futuristic idea of mind control over a criminal. The main

character is injected, I believe if my memory serves me well, with something

that causes him to have pictures of violence and he suffers excruciating pain

from this. Why should we accept this book and not ban it? This is an intriguing

start to a whole new genre of books, which opened our minds to possibilities

and also, made us aware of the dangers of choosing how a criminal should be

punished. Do we have the right to do this? It can also be argued, do we have

the right to kill a man because he killed or committed dangerous acts. Our

legal world, with a ‘jury of our peers,’ makes those kind of powerful judgments.

Why ban “Huckleberry Finn?” I think fear of repercussions and misunderstandings

during a very dangerous, emotional period of our times. We can look at this

rationally, knowing the language was supposed to depict what was acceptable

during Mark Twain’s time. Why accept the book? Because it is an outstanding

story that does cross racial barriers and shows a black man and a young boy in

a fantastic piece of American literature. Their unique friendship and reliance

on each other shows a trust unexpected between two such characters, prior

to Mark Twain’s writing this book.

Why would “The Scarlet Letter,” which has a 19th century woman wearing a

red “A” across her chest be considered censorable? I think some would say

go ahead and promote this book. It holds their own judgments of the situation

on adultery. I am not sure if it is on the banned books list, which I had decided

when I set out to write this, that I would not ‘peek’ at the list until I finished my

opinions or had a chance to ‘editorialize.’ I think it may have been on the list

but would take it off, due to my determination that usually the WOMAN is

given the scarlet letter, not the man who was part of the couple engaged in

adultery. This is an antiquated viewpoint, but sadly this is still held in some

form or other, which is not the time nor place to talk about why this still goes

on.

 

The Office of Intellectual Freedom gets reports and complaints. They usually

get the most “challenges” to freedom from the public wishing to ban books

after the Top 10 Book List is published.

Here are the Top 5 out of a list of Top 10 the OIF received after the 2013 Top Ten

List was published:

1. “Captain Underpants,” by Dav Pilkey.

The complaints were: Offensive language and unsuitable for age group.

2. “The Bluest Eye,” by Toni Morrison.

The complaints were: Offensive language, sexually explicit, violence and unsuitable for age group.

3. “The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian ,” by Sherman Alexie.

The complaints were: Drugs, alcohol, smoking, offensive language, racism, sexually explicit and

unsuitable for age group.

4. “Fifty Shades of Grey,” by E.L. James.

The complaints were: Nudity, offensive language, religious viewpoints, sexually explicit and

unsuitable for age group.

5. “The Hunger Games,” by Suzanne Collins.

The complaints were: Religious viewpoints and unsuitable for age group.

Hmm…I would have added violence possibly.

Overall, there are large numbers given on the official website of the Office of Intellectual Freedom

of the population that wish to restrict our reading materials.

 

 

The funny thing that someone in my life mentioned about censorship, I am

not quite sure who, but he asked this thought-provoking question:

What book has many adult themes within its pages, including adultery,

fornication and murdering one’s family members, but is considered

‘acceptable’ by those who wish to forbid and censor books?

(The Bible, he answered.)

What books came to mind, when I first started this post, that may be on past

banned books lists?

 

Nelson Mandela’s quotation seems apropos:

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains,

but to live in a way that respects and enhances

the freedom of others.”

 

Bureaucracy

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This will be an angry post, one where frustration sometimes is best

relieved by venting! It can be about the fact that it’s quite challenging

to get a hold of an actual human being on the phone! It can be your

own disappointment or disgust at the way businesses seem to give you

the ‘run around!’

I can only hope you will add to this, with your own examples of

“Bureaucracy!”

(There is a reason why there are so many people throw the word, “idiocy”

around! Also, I do know there may be some people who may mention the

dreaded word, “politicians, ” too.)

Tomorrow will be my smiles and chuckles post. . .

 

I would like to start the ball rolling with a look at a small example of how

business in my workplace, at the good ‘ole warehouse, is run.

Last Monday, while about 20 people were lining up to ‘clock in,’  at our

time clock there was an obstacle to walk around to get to the clock. It is a

small ‘vehicle’ or ‘cart’ that has an engine, which the ‘bosses’ scoot around

on.

It would ‘crack you up,’ to see them get on one of these, only to go about 30

paces, to get to another office or to use the rest room.

In each of these cases, no one else is allowed to ‘touch or move them.’

On last Tuesday, at the morning meeting, a fellow coworker mentioned that

whoever is parking their little mode of transportation in the way of the time

clock, was actually ‘breaking a safety rule.’

Then, my friend added, it is unsafe, due to the way people have to ‘clock in’

and then try to get out of the way of the next person in line. ‘There isn’t any

room to do this safely.’

Then, he mentioned that someone ‘almost tripped over it!’

Well, what do you know?!

That darn cart was once again parked in the location directly under

the bins order fillers’ time clock. I wish to note, at this time, I never get

in this long line, no patience for such nonsense. I enter the hallway by

the lockers, ‘clock in’ where there is usually only five people getting

their last sips of coffee, filling their water bottle, or something like this.

It is located by the break room.

No one blocks the break room!

Anyway, at the morning meeting on last Wednesday, one of our immediate

bosses, (one is for heavy bulk fillers and the other regular ‘bins’ order fillers)

made a proud announcement,

“We sent out a memo to whoever is leaving their cart by the time clocks.”

(In this case, he meant an ’email.’ There are no more memos, unless the

boss’ boss prints out an email and checks it for any facts that may not be

disclosed to us, (‘paeans.’) By the way, how many people would have put

an ‘o’ in that? Since everyone says ‘pee-ons’ I struggled with the spelling!

Out of practice!

On last Thursday, the cart was moved, presumably due to the ‘efficiency

and effectiveness’ of the email!

Another minor example of ‘Bureaucracy,’ came in a rather smelly way!

I went away to my Mom’s on June 27th and arrived home on July 6th.

I had a grand time, some challenges but overall, a nice escape from my

everyday life.

When I arrived home, I smelled an odor in the hallway, quickly sped up

to get into my apartment, presumable to be in my old, familiar, cinnamon

and other kinds of homey smells. (I love Yankee Candle Company’s scent

of “Home Sweet Home,” use it in my candles, warmers, and in my car, too.)

Oh my!

It was my apartment that truly stank! Yuck!

I quickly went to the nearly empty fridge, it held only pleasant condiments

and the baking soda box held any of the odors. No spoiled foods, check!

I then ran into the bathroom, and as I got there, I was splashing in the

hallway! The carpet was soaked and yes, it smelled horrific. Like a dead

animal, no none of those in evidence!

I called my apartment manager’s phone number, leaving a message.

I went out into the hall, stopped across the hall. The friendly woman, who

is still nameless, since my good friend, “Bo” and daughter “Amyah” moved

out, I have not attempted to know this one. I miss the grandmother friend

and her granddaughter, too. (I gave her a lot of my Dad’s porcelain light-

houses and other nice things, like a ‘throw’ blanket with the 12 Lake Erie

lighthouses on it.)

The neighbor opened her door, asked me had I been gone long? She had

noticed my absence and admitted to smelling my odor. She also told me

that her air conditioner pipe from the upstairs (floors 2 and 3) had somehow

gotten clogged. The overflow or pressure had leaked into her apartment,

hallway and into her bedroom, too. She said this happened on June 30th,

that the manager had provided a fan to dry it, would be cleaning her carpet

sometime around July 11 or 12th.

I was ‘freaking out!’ That meant he clearly knew others were having this

problem and had not bothered to knock and check around to see if there

were other instances of this. Just while I was talking to her, Pete called.

He lives on the second floor with his wife, Nancy. It is not like he is off

the premises, surely he would have smelled this, since they are supposed

to vacuum the halls and wax the chair rail in the hallway.

I approached this with caution, remembering my Mom’s favorite expression

for handling irksome circumstances:

“You can attract more positive responses with honey than with vinegar.”

(There are variations on this but this is how she would say it.)

I told Pete, that I had come home from vacation and found my apartment

very ripe smelling, think it has to do with the water heater leaking or the

air conditioner pipe. He said he would bring me a fan.

I called my oldest daughter, she came over. I was sure I would have a fit,

if someone would not be there to keep me from over-reacting!

I boiled tea for the two of us, I lit about ten candles around the apartment.

I put a little of my vanilla scented lotion inside my nostrils.

When Pete came down, he knocked and then opened the door. He did not

admit to me that there was any odor. (I miss my old landlord, Ron, he would

have sympathized and also, maybe offered to help find out the root of the

problem.)

Pete said, “I will have to call a maintenance man tomorrow. He is also good

with the electrical stuff. He can check your heater and air conditioner.”

Carrie was walking in, saw my look and asked me to come in the hallway

while Pete set up the fan to blow air into my wet carpet and then he opened

the doorway to the ‘electrical stuff.’

Carrie ‘admonished me:’  “Don’t use your teacher look or your teacher voice,

Mom! But you may ask him if there are any avenues to proceed to, if it were

an ’emergency,’ mention that mold is not healthy for you to sleep in.”

I re-entered my apartment, almost knocking him down. Pete was going to

leave! I had to take a short breath not to let my steam blow!

“What would you do if this happened to yours and Nancy’s apartment?

Would you think there may be a solution that could be chosen tonight?”

 

(Inside my head I was yelling,

“So I won’t have to sleep knowing that there is water with possible mold

or e-coli, lying inch thick in my hallway!!”)

Pete asked me twice in quick succession, had I run my air conditioner

while I was on vacation?

Each time, I answered, “No.”

I am not sure if that would have somehow made it ‘my fault’ that the air

conditioner’s condensation had run into my apartment, but he seemed to be

focused on this point. Now, later, I wonder if I had it so that it would run

while I was gone, would that have somehow alleviated their responsibility?

 

An emergency plumber came that night.

 

I am thankful that he said to Pete, “This place smells disgusting! It would

be hard to sleep with this in the hallway!”

He said to me, “Maybe you could spend the night at your friend’s apartment,”

looking at my 34 year old daughter. (God bless his heart!)”

He also explained how there is a perpendicular pipe, that had filled with

mold, where the condensation from others’ air conditioners siphons down

into this. Normally, going into a drain. I was glad he explained that the

whole thing was ‘not your tenant’s fault’ to Pete.

In this case, as I talked to my coworker the next day who also happens to

live in my apartment building, he feels that Pete should have offered to

pay something towards a motel room. Another coworker says, he would

have insisted on getting the carpet cleaned and suctioning off the water,

too.

I have a good thing to tell you! My carpet did get cleaned on July 1oth,

so I only had to live with the stench for Sunday through Thursday nights.

Another good bureaucratic occurrence is to be announced.

I got a refund from the Cable company!

What? You heard me right!

I called them to tell them I did not get my Time Warner Cable Channel

Guide for the months of June or July! I wondered if I needed to go to

the Post Office and ask for a trace on it? The first woman that I talked to,

used a businesslike tone, saying that they were no longer publishing this

lovely television guide, that was quite a bargain for less than $3. It had

the look of a magazine, with at least ten pages of colored paper, then the

rest of it, in black and white newsprint. I would pore over that, circle and

use two different colors of highlighters, too!

When I did not get a significant explanation nor confirmation of the bill

being changed, since I had sent both June and July payments by this time,

I asked for a manager!

I used a plaintive tone, almost whiny, but was almost beside myself, really

upset about this. I wanted to know if there had been written notice of its

discontinuation? I wished to have an explanation why this happened? I

wondered was I the only person who felt it was well worth paying for this

monthly guide?

The manager was like a psychiatrist, she had a bell-like tone to her voice,

very sympathetic, kind and saying, “Oh, that is too bad!” and then, “Oh,

I can understand how important this was to you!”

I actually got a $30 refund, she felt this was well worth using her power

to use “discretionary funds.”

She was looking at my years of being an “Outstanding customer,” and

telling me she did not want to lose me, that I was “Valuable” to Time

Warner Cable!

I may have to call HER next time something else goes wrong, somehow

she imparts some warmth and love to the whole ‘bureaucracy’ and gives

me hope after all!

Let me know you worst case scenarios with bureaucracy and I will kindly

impart my “Oh, that is too bad’s” to each and every one of you! I have a

good feeling that this post may help you ‘vent’, ‘rant’, and you will feel

much better!!

Fellow bloggers ‘therapy’ begins when I hang my ‘shingle up!’

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday Hobbies

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When my parents married, my father didn’t really like ‘jocks.’

He was, and always will be, a ‘nerd,’ in some people’s books. I

laugh at the line in Shania Twain’s song, “That Don’t Impress

Me Much,” when it talks about a ‘rocket scientist.’ My father

could have easily been a mechanic or a carpenter. He was good

with his hands. As a hard-working pre-teen, he hitchhiked to

Covington, KY to work, sweeping White Castle out, for his and

his mother’s rent money. Once a kindly truck driver took him,

(I have mentioned this before) to the top of the hill overlooking

the ‘ghetto’ or poor section of town. My Dad was told the magical

(paraphrased) words, “You can be somebody, if you go to this

college,” (University of Cincy) and ‘rise above your roots.’

My Dad took those words to heart.

I won’t repeat my parents’ love story but I will tell you another

facet about my Dad’s life.

He was not interested, once married to my Mom, in extra-curricular

activities. My Dad enjoyed hobbies, such as painting, building and

fixing things around the house.

Working first at Oak Ridge, Tennessee on the nuclear reactor, then

settling into Sandusky, Ohio working as a team leader at Plum Brook,

he was happy to ‘putter’ around the house, ride bikes with us, go

on hikes or build treehouses, sandboxes, bookcases or other things

that made our lives enriched. He was a Boy Scout leader for my brothers’

troop and gladly square-danced with my friends and me, at our annual Girl

Scout’s “Father-Daughter Dance.”

He was not asked to golf or go out for drinks after working at NASA all day,

since he was known to be a ‘straight shooter.’ Sometimes, my Mom will lately

wonder what would have happened with his career, had he done these simple

activities with coworkers. Would he have not chosen to retire at age 55, when

he reached his thirty years’ mark?

Later, when he wrote a semi-autobiographical book called, “Hot Lab,”

he did it under a pseudonym. He didn’t want to get in trouble, but

he predicted nuclear reactor’s breakdowns, like “China Syndrome” (film)

and Chernobyl (real life). But probably most of the purchases of his

book were by coworkers and neighbors. I was proud, at age 15, to have

been the one he turned to, to be his ‘editor,’ since he wanted it to

‘flow’ and be readable. He included a part of the semi-autobiographical

book, where the main character indulges in ‘feeling up’ a secretary.

My mother never gave it a second thought, she knew it wasn’t possible

for her husband to engage in adultery. She did get upset, during one

period of my Dad’s career, the way a secretary flirted outrageously,

with my father. There is a post, where I wrote about this, but my Mom

‘put a stop to that nonsense!’

My parents, like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, were very loud

and raucous, at times, before I took over the editing and typing the

manuscript on one of those old black, gold letter typewriters. Maybe

it was a Royal, but it could have been a Remington?

In other words, had my Dad given any advice at all about marriage, he

would have said to be passionate, involved and ‘don’t fool around.’

I passed this on recently to my handsome son, who could easily choose

to go down the ‘wrong path’ his own father chose. My first husband,

first love and meeting on the first day of college, my only chance at

a lifelong marriage, chose after we had children, to wander off on

weekends, after work to bars and basically, not be ‘engaged’ in his

children or wife. My son is quite the opposite, works all day as a

cook (now a ‘chef’) and comes home to clean the kitchen, make dinner

and plays with his children. He loves to hike, climb on the toys and

I have two pictures of him, up in a tree, one with his five year old

and the other with his three year old girls, (My M & M granddaughters.)

So, don’t take this personally, guys. You may go off and make your wives

‘golf widows,’ and that may be their means of escaping to the grocery

store or malls, watching romantic comedies with girlfriends, or other

ways to show their freedom, too.

My youngest daughter and I watched, “The Other Woman,” movie last night

at the Polaris Rave Theatre. The audience included mostly women, along

with a few elderly couples. A lot of raucous laughter ensued! I would

recommend seeing this with a daughter, niece or if you are young, friends

who are heading to the altar. The trio of comedic actresses are Cameron Diaz,

Leslie Mann and Kate Upton. Don Johnson plays Cameron Diaz’s father. The

best actress in a comedy role, since Melissa McCarthy, is Leslie Mann! She

is hilarious! If there is a part of the movie, that will burst you into

roaring laughter is the ‘bit’ where Leslie’s character is getting ready to

be a burglar, private investigator and follow her husband around; That

sneaking ‘bastard!’ (Excuse the swear word!)

At the end of the movie, we hugged and smiled. But then, as we walked out

to the ladies’ restroom, my only ‘single’ daughter, age 28, said these

serious words, “Mom, how did you do it? How did you trust again, after

you were in a couple of marriages with men who put their own personal

life ahead of their family?”

Great question! I should not have married the fraternity man, the one

who loved the Bengals and who was the quarterback on his high school

football team! What was I thinking at age 22?

I believed that it was possible for my ex, to be like my Dad, with

absolutely no ‘frame of reference,’ and choose to be a better person.

It still to me, constantly amazes me! (I mean, who “falls in love” on

the first day of college, age 18?!)

My second husband, came from a family of a father with a stepmom, who

met all the qualities of the “Evil Stepmother.” She had cream carpet

upstairs, so she put the three boys in a cold, cement basement with

beds and an area rug. They were aged 3, 5 and 7. I think about my

wishes for ‘saving him’ from his past. You cannot sometimes ‘fix’

someone, no matter how hard I tried to pour love, sex (lots of it!)

and my family who accepted this ‘broken man.’ It didn’t work.

You may wonder where I am going with this, I am heading to the humorous

part. My daughter will find a much better man, having my life to be an

example of ‘don’t do as I did, do as I say…’ policy.

She sees her brother doing a great job, braiding My Little Pony’s tails

and manes. She knows a Doctor, who she worked for as a babysitter first.

Later, she worked on breaks from college, in his office. This man will

be one she can focus on. He cherishes and adores his wife and kids.

And, yes, on Saturday mornings, he walks the two boys down the street to

eat breakfast at Hamburger Inn. He allows his wife and baby daughter to

sleep in, to indulge in a few extra minutes of rest. While he is ‘building’

two fine, young men by setting an example of a good husband and father.

While building a relationship with his family, he is also setting a role

model for my daughter. My children had a grandfather, but no great fathers,

to set these examples for them.

Here are two golf jokes that are stories, but not true! Mom found them:

1. “Ed and Nancy met while on a singles’ cruise. Ed fell head over

heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart,

Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got

home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants,

concerts, movies and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed

his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship,

Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting

for their salad, Ed said,

‘I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little

serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So,

before I get out of my jacket a little box for you, I think it is only

fair to warn you, I am a total golf ‘nut.’ I play golf, I read about golf,

I watch golf, in short, I eat, sleep and breathe golf!

If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now.”

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a

problem. I love you as you are and I love golf, too. But, since we’re

being honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five

years, I’ve been a hooker.”

Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight

when you hit the ball.”

2. Subject: Golf Joke

“Wife: ‘Where the heck have you been? You said you’d be home by noon!’

Husband: ‘I’m so sorry, honey… but you probably don’t want to hear

the reason.’

Wife: ‘I want the truth, and I want it NOW!’

Husband: ‘Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the club-

house, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at noon, on the

button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age, struggling

with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she’s offering me

money. Of course, I refuse it. Then she tells me she was headed to the

bar at the Sheraton Hotel, and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.

She’s such a sweetie, I said ‘yes,’ before you know it– one beer turned

into 3 or 4. I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she

tells me she has a room there, less than 50 steps from our table.

She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand.

Now, I’m in her room… clothes are flying… the talking stopped…

and we proceed to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone

on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30.

I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am!

There. You wanted the truth. You got it!

Wife: Bull —-! You played 36 holes, didn’t you?!”

Hope you got a few laughs out of these! Imagine, my Mom (age 86),

saving these for me to share with you!

The M & M girls!

Standard

The youngest pair of “wild children,” “keep me on my toes constantly,”

and cutest little darlings are my two granddaughters, Marley and

Makyah. We have taken to calling them the M & M girls!

I write more frequently of my oldest daughter’s son’s, Micah and Skyler

and about our fresh, unique conversations. I feel bad that I don’t write

quite as often about the two girls who just completed more than a

twenty-four hour long visit!

I have wonderful times with my daughter in law and son’s two youngest

children. I also, when the older ones are home from their visits with

their own father, treasure the older two! (Lara and Landen) Last time I

posted about Lara and Landen, it was on their Grandparents’ Day and

my individual experiences in their classrooms.

We could say I am not partial to any of my grandchildren, but I have

to admit that while with whichever ones I am with, I follow that old love

song’s advice:  “Love the one you’re with!” (Just in case you were not

familiar with this one, it was originally a single by Stephen Stills, later

performed with Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, and there also exists a

Luther Vandross’ rendition.)

During our first exciting part of my visit with the M & M girls, I intended

have the girls try on “fancy” dresses and take photographs of them. I

had lost the shots done about a month ago, due to a glitch or override

on my old digital camera. My youngest daughter gave me a recent gift,

since I am the family chronicler of photos,of a new digital more finer

tuned camera. I was all set to do a fun photo session.

Rounding the girls up from looking at the Halloween decorations,

playing with the baby dolls and other distracting things was became a

monumental event! Marley is great in her second year of preschool,

the “teacher’s pet.” She tries to “mother” (or smother) Makyah and that

just puts Kyah’s “brakes” on! This is a stubborn, willful, and very smart

young two year old! She can go potty, put on and take off her clothes

and prefers the latter procedure best!

So, I enticed Marley by showing her the “princess” dress which would

have made her the cutest flower girl ever in my oldest daughter’s

wedding, had her partner had gone through with it! I am still paying

on the wedding dress and other attirements, as her father is paying

for the reception deposits!

Marley’s parents went the more economical way, a back yard wedding

out by a stream at my daughter in law’s grandmother’s house. Her

son, Landen, was the ring bearer and Lara, was the flower girl. Theirs

was all paid for by themselves, except my donation towards some of

the food and the children’s attire. My brother generously footed the

alcohol bill.

Marley’s dress is a deep lavendar, I put her hair up on her head in

a bun and got pictures of her holding a posey bouquet with white,

pink and yellow. I then gave her a tied together collection of deep

burgundy roses, white roses and baby’s breath. I will probably end

up developing both, since she is just so cute. Kyah kept walking

around us in her undies, took a turn in the bathroomand cried a bit.

Since her dress was Marley’s from when she was 2 and is a cream

satin one. She wanted to wear purple! (or “poople,” as her little voice

wailed!)

I came up with another way to shoot Marley, not to make it such

a wedding attendant’s but as just a “fancy” dress, by getting one

of my English bone china tea cup sets down and asking her to

pretend to drink from it. She did the cutest thing, even with her

prim expression, at first, maybe she has seen a movie with someone

doing this? She looked “British” in her head held high, chin up and

tea cup in one hand, the other one holding the saucer. I had her sit

sideways for her last, more relaxed shots and she was just leaning

on the back of the chair with one arm on the light oak back, feet

tucked up under her. Her poses with the whole gown covering her

bare toes while standing sideways and looking at me, looked like

a “pro!”

What got cooperation out of Makyah? The arrival of her cousin, Micah,

who my oldest daughter had thought arranged a play date with and

he was suddenly at “loose ends.” She was on her way to bowling alley

with my oldest grandson, Sky. They were rushed and Micah looked

at the one girl nearly naked and the other dressed to the hilt and

exclaimed, loudly, I may add, “What in the heck is going on here?!”

(He is four years old and tells me all the time I cannot use the word

shit so I say “shoot” and he also lectures me on saying the “stupid”

tire or “stupid” can or anything inanimate that is not cooperative.

I have had to tell him and the other five grandkids, if they hung out

with my two brothers, we were allowed to say stupid or silly but

no “heck,” “darn,” or “dummit” since there are implications of actual

swear words in those substitutes.)

Anyway, Kyah was told that Micah wanted to go on a flashlight walk,

that we needed to get her portion of the photo sitting done, pronto!

She walked over, got the dress off the bed, stuck her head and arms

into the lovely dress and promptly told “older” sister, Marley to “get

off the chair and leave Nana and me alone!”

I unbuttoned Marley and she went into the living room dressed to

play with Micah. I got a few cute shots with a sort of smile, one with

a smile I had to tickle and do the little chant “This Little Piggy” on

Kyah’s toes and one looking at her hands, pensive shot. I know her

mother, my daughter in law will be happy, since Makyah is a tough

one to get to smile. She is one that when you do get the rare one,

it is like a huge rainbow feeling. You feel successful and in awe, at

the same time!

On our flashlight walk, we had three flashlights and all the lights at

OWU that light the way around their property. We investigated and

looked for the ducks in the creek, crossed two of the three bridges,

looked for walking sticks. (Kyah’s was the thickest and heaviest, of

course. And seeing that stubborn little waif dragging it, rather than

leaning on it as the others did, cracked me up!)

We came to big bright green orbs in the grass, the size of tennis balls.

I saw one half open, knowing there were nuts inside, I pried it with my

fingernails open, there were white mealy worms in there, but finally

I managed to unearth the walnuts! Are you yet realizing how stupid I

was to do this? I am still typing away at the library with pitifully brown

fingers that have endured three soakings in bleach water and every

other kind of cleaning liquid I could find in my house! Never, ever do

this mistake!

When we found some spider web like leaves that were huge and looked

like they belonged in the rainforest, we were excited. Do I know the tree

and am able to impart this knowledge to you? Nope! But each child

wanted to drop their walking sticks and carry these leaves that were

partly green and the rest weblike brown, transparent enough to put

your hand on one side and flash the light through to see the shadow

on your hand. They waved them above their heads like they were

carrying an umbrella made of a leaf. When we got to the tall bridge,

I held each child up to look over the ledge and they shone their light

to see if they could spot a fish or two.

Once home, we made a big effort to clean their hands that “Thank God!”

I had not let them touch the green coated shell of the black walnuts!

We managed to get our p.j’s on, except Micah who would be picked up

around ten o’clock. I served little trays of drinks in sippy cups with lids,

popcorn and 100% fruit snacks.

Nana hates spills! That is when “shit” just comes flying out of my mouth.

I managed very hard to say nothing when, in the morning, maple syrup

was spilled and also, milk. I make fifty cent piece size (some may be like

the old silver dollar sized) pancakes and give little empty applesauce

cups filled with maple syrup. I cut apple slices up to give some extra

nutrition. I was okay with how the two girls ate and wiped them off

fairly successfully. There will need to be a reapplication of carpet

shampoo in one area, but if that is the worst that the carpet endures,

that isn’t too bad!

We watched two movies, one at night: “Hoodwinked” and one in the

morning during our stickers, coloring and making cards for Sweetest

Day time for Mommy, Daddy and Great Grammie Oldrieve. (My Mom)

The animated movie, in the morning, was titled, “Madagascar 3, Europe’s

Most Wanted.” Since this post is overlong, and I really want to review

those two hilarious movies, I will be reviewing and writing their

summaries next post! You can skip them, that way, without having to

go through them, although both can be viewed and enjoyed by adults

only, without accompanying children or grandchildren!

Today, we went to Mingo Park and played for an hour to wear off the

sugar from natural maple, apples and corn syrup served by myself

to youngsters. They loved to chase each other, I helped them go

down poles, followed them on slides and we did the whole Big Toy

experience. We also went back past the Olentangy River subsidiary

and saw lots of ducks and a heron, too.

When I dropped the girls off, they ran inside showing their sticker

and artwork cards and said, “We only ate pancakes for breakfast, mac

and cheese for lunch and we are hungry!” I smiled, because the park

exercise had done its job and worn off all those calories and sugar!

Happy Columbus Day! Enjoy your day off, if you are lucky enough to

have it!